I’m trying to accept that I’ll never have a conventionally meaningful life (see previous posts for why.) I may feel this completely alone for the rest of my time in this world, even if I’m with someone. I will never be acceptable to others as I truly am, or part of any community. No one will ever really know me.
Ending my life still seems wrong though. While it would stop my suffering, it would inflict similar pain on my parents, who certainly don’t deserve it. Ruining 2 lives (3 including my sister) to end my own brokenness doesn’t make sense.
The question then becomes how to get through the next 30 years, until they die, when I really don’t want to be here. How do you go on, giving the impression of a functional human being, when you have this brokenness inside you? When nothing holds your interest or provides real enjoyment, and everything seems like a huge chore. When all of existence just feels…….empty, from the endless stars above to the people below. When you can’t really care about anyone or anything. When you have no goals or aims, beyond just surviving (which you don’t really want to do.) Without hope.
How do you keep getting yourself out of bed, and doing what you need to to survive, when you know that whatever you do, you will still be this miserable?
11 comments
I’ve read a couple of your previous posts, but I don’t think that having a lack of meaning to life is something anyone should learn to live with. I tried and became so much worse. I was always looking for distractions so I could escape strong suicidal thoughts for a while. Accepting them is the start of a lot of coping techniques, but if you’re suffering to a certain extent, I don’t think there is a way to accept that they’re going to stay. You can’t know that you’ve done everything. There are quite a lot of conventional treatments for depression and you might have tried some of them, but there are always others. Depression takes the life away from you. It can be ignored, day after day, until those thirty years are up, but the suffering will remain… Unless you become less depressed, less empty. It’s so much effort to feel it and so much effort to try to live with, I would put some of that effort into looking for cures, however little hope you feel. I know it isn’t the answer you’re looking for, but this kind of suffering doesn’t let up easily.
Thank you for taking the time to read my posts. Thing is, I’ve spent so long trying to invest myself in conventional sources of meaning. It just doesn’t work. All it does is generate anxiety – because deep down inside, I know it doesn’t make sense for me- I know I’m lying to myself.
I know what you mean about constantly looking for distractions – I’ve spent 8 years doing that. I need to find a way to live with the feeling that my life is worthless, without trying to escape it.
I’ve tried most of the conventional treatments for depression (along with many unconventional ones.) But I don’t think I really fit the standard presentation of depression (though my feelings certainly do). It makes perfect sense to me that I should feel this way, given my experience of reality. I don’t see it as an illness – it’s a logical outcome of who I am, what I’ve done, and the reality I live in. There’s no cure for it – it just is.
The challenge now is how to function with that ache inside me – to give the impression of someone still alive.
I know a lot of people don’t see it as an illness, but just who they are. I do believe that anyone can change their reality and feel alive again. Even though we have different approaches, I know how you feel and how difficult it is to survive. I hope you find the answers you need and things get easier. 🙂
Unfortunately I don’t have an answer for your question, I just want to thank you for this post that I’m replying to. I was having trouble explaining how I feel in my post earlier today so I backed off.
You said it perfectly: “I don’t see it as an illness – it’s a logical outcome of who I am, what I’ve done, and the reality I live in. There’s no cure for it – it just is”.
I’m sure that doesn’t apply to everyone but that pretty much says it all for me.
I hope we all find the answers we seek, thank you for sharing.
Thank you. I agree that most people can change their circumstances, or adjust to them, if given sufficient support. But there are some things you can’t change, and some things that cannot be accepted.
I gotten through the years with lies and fun and love and never stopping for long and forgiveness.
Some of the lies are good ones and I make them truths. Some of the lies are bad ones but they help me avoid anxiety.
Even though I’m down all the time I can still appreciate a good distraction, so fun still happens. Once in a while it’s even meaningful fun.
Love is easy for me now. It certainly wasn’t when I was 20. But I kept trying. I learned. It’s nice to cozy up to someone and show them your box of broken dreams and they show you theirs. For a while you both muddle through life together. Eventually you both say goodbye and its OK in the end because you’re nice about it.
Being mobile, standing instead of sitting, walking, running, taking stairs, find ways to expend physical energy is huge for me. I gave up a life built around a desk job. That helps.
I don’t do all these things all the time. Sometimes I do them badly. Sometimes I stop. Sometimes I give up. When that happens I forgive myself. Eventually I get back up.
And that’s how I get by.
I do my share of lying. Though I tend to just omit the truth when it comes to the big stuff. It gets me through social interactions, but every time I do it, I feel the awfulness of the truth more keenly.
I find most of my distractions rely on an underlying assumption of shared human experience, from music to movies. When I feel completely disconnected from that, much of my interest just fades. A piece of music is still beautiful, yet somehow not for me.
I don’t think love’s really an option, much as I want to believe otherwise. Some boxes are just too broken to be shown to anyone. All it could ever be is a pretense.
I do a lot of walking and running. Running can help, if I can go for long enough, with no one around – I can lose myself in it. I don’t often have the energy though, and I keep getting leg injuries (no matter how careful I am.) My body just doesn’t recover like it should.
All good advice though.
“Eventually you both say goodbye and its OK in the end because you’re nice about it.” No one has ever been nice to me when they said goodbye, perhaps because they had an ideal version of me in their head and then they were bitter when it turned out that I wasn’t that person. I never claimed to be perfect so it’s not my fault if others expect me to be. Maybe they just want to put all the blame on me so they can avoid feeling bad, who knows?
Whatever, relationships are too complicated.
@thehusk I hear you. Every day I think about killing myself, one of these days I’ll hopefully get around to it.
Raza, I don’t think either of us should kill ourselves. I think we should look for better ways of living with our pain. I wouldn’t give up on relationships. There are worse kinds of pain.
@thehusk: I don’t place too much importance on social relationships (that’s evidenced by the fact that I do not seek out friendships). No, I’m probably completely fucked in other ways. Kinda doubt there’s any hope for me.
@SeeSmith: saw your comment in moderation. The word p.artner put you there. If you type it like I did (or p*rtner, or whatever), it won’t be censored. They don’t want “suicide buddies” on this site who plan double suicide or whatever.
Yeah, I’m good at “managing my selection pool.” I can tell within a few minutes of meeting someone that I am not and never will be interested in them. There are little things to pay attention to. For instance: men who wear suits or baseball caps in bars are generally dicks. (No offense.)
I am probably a little bit weirder than average but in person, I only show that to people who are also quirky, or if I just want to be weird for the hell of it.
I don’t try to put on facades because that’s exhausting. I just act however I feel like, or however I think the moment asks for.
The Samuel Beckett novel The Unnamable ends with: “You must go on, I can’t go on, I’ll go on”.
This quote always resonated with me. It’s not about hope, that’s long gone, but a more primal trudging. I guess that’s akin to what you refer to as “just surviving”.
I feel it’s a bit defiant going on. I get some satisfaction from that. But most days I question why I’m bothering too.