Hi, Kat. I don’t think anybody here despises you. All of us have things in our life that are causing us grief. What we’re dealing with affects us in our own individual ways.
It sounds like you’re holding a lot of stuff in? Is there someone at school or elsewhere that you can chat with? It might help to get some things off your mind. After a while, things start to pile up and that isn’t healthy. If you’re having thoughts of hurting someone, it might help to unload some of your thoughts. I don’t doubt that you haven’t hurt a bug. Even the nicest of people can reach a point where they’re simply not happy.
I’ve read your notes and I’m curious as to what’s happening in your world. It might be helpful to share a little bit of what’s going on. This can be quite a supportive site. People here do a good job of listening and, when requested, providing some insight or feedback.
I just want to say that your comment blew me away, because I just can’t wrap my head around. . . I mean, how can somebody be so kind to me after I vomited up so much of my ugly soul in this post? I’m not kissing up, I’m genuinely halted. So many people in this community are so astoundingly kind.
I am holding so much in. Because if I tell anyone anything, they’ll send me to Kempsville, and any part of me that’s still good will die in that place. By this point, I’m so thoroughly rotten that if I were to ever really speak my mind, or be myself, everything will fall apart. I know I’m bad— but if everyone I love we’re to find out, their fear, and hatred, and heartache, and alarm alone would kill me. I’d die in the soul, like I would in Kempsville— final despair, event horizon.
I don’t have it any worse than many others, anyway. My life isn’t perfect but it could be worse. I hope the things I’m saying make sense. I really do.
Hi, Wiskers..that “D” is a real ghost or something?
“None of this matters, really, because nothing is real. Not this screen. Not the room I’m in. Not any of the people I’ve ever talked with. ” – My thoughts from last night .. nothing really mattered for real. All those “friends”, people that thought they know me-it was all just a sad dream. You are right, friend.
All my life in this realm is a joke. Nothing is REAL. And that is the plain truth, think about it. It’s all a show. It’s made up shit by sick people who want to own a “farm”, us being the farm animals for them. Everything is not to be taken seriously, none of it.
D is not a ghost because ghosts are dead people, and I don’t believe in ghosts. He’s a demon, not a ghost. That or he’s not anyone or anything, at all.
I think we are not understanding each other. Because when I say that someone isn’t real, I don’t mean that they are superficial or that our relationship is based on false pretenses. I mean that they don’t really exist. That they’re unfeeling, unthinking fabrications that just act like they’re real. Like a CPU in a game, or a character in a dream. That’s what I mean. But I’m not saying you’re wrong, either. You could be right. I hope the best for you and your situation.
I hope the best for you too. This “D” thing it sounds like a demon. Do you have nightmares? Strange, scary nightmares? I did and many times because of this thing. What they want is to throw you off the balance. Once(1 year ago aprox.) while asleep , I could turn my head and I looked towards the desk in my room. It sat on it, and looked like the ghost of a murderer. “He” was slender. I don’t know how to say it but I knew he killed people. The way his body stood, a little bit bent forwards. Everyone would know if he/she saw this ass=hole. Maybe they see something in certain people. That’s their only occupation-to make our lives hell.
That happens to be my viewpoint too. I don’t believe in ghosts, but rather demons masquerading as human spirits. So, knowing D is a demon, and understanding the nature of demons and how they love to lie to you and reek havoc in your life any way they can, I think it’s best to do like you’ve been and continue to ignore every thing he’s been telling you. You may considering seeing a pastor or priest for advise on how to get him to leave you alone.
To passionforalways: how is it that you seem to know exactly what I’m talking about? I swear I’ve experienced something frighteningly similar! And yes, I do have nightmares, often. How did you make this thing go away? I’m all ears.
To krank: I’m so relieved that you agree with me. So few people do, it seems. Your advice is so very appreciated.
In fact, D has only ever really tormented me twice in my life: Before my religious conversion four years ago, and very recently, now that I’m stuck in this rut of backsliding. I feel too filthy to even come within range of my church. I’m afraid that I’ll bring my demon in with me. Or almost as bad: that nobody will believe me. I’m not Protestant, and they seem to be the only denominations that take the reality of demons seriously.
If you are actively hallucinating and aware of it you are halfway to helping yourself. It doesn’t sound like you are under a Dr’s care or if you are possibly you are not telling the truth, which makes sense since you would rather not be hospitalized. I totally understand the fear of losing that kind of control over my life.
However, and this is just a suggestion, maybe you could get on some medicine that will give you some breathing room? Or if you are on medicine, have it adjusted so it works better.
When I get close to being hospitalized I force myself to just take the medicine. It robs me of who I am and I feel hollow, but it gives me breathing room. If “D” is following you around and causing fear and misery then give yourself some breathing room, even if you feel hollow temporarily.
Thank you. I’m not under constant care or anything, but I do actually have a doctor and a psychotherapist. I’m starting to be more open and honest with them, but you are right: for a long time I was paralyzed with the fear of Kempsville and lied often. I’m so thankful that you understand.
Right now, my doc is trying to put me on an anti-psychotic (Geodon) in addition to my antidepressant. But since it’s such an intense drug and usually is only used on much older people, my insurance is reluctant to give the OK on it. I can’t wait forever.
I feel the same way about a few things: I too do not think that any of this world is real, not even people… That makes it easier for me to decide that I want to kill myself. But I also have the same torturing question: But what if this life IS in fact real…? I hate that thought.
Also, I don’t reciognize my own face either. When I look in the mirror I just stare at myself thinking: “This is me… Why don’t I feel like this is me..”Something’s going on, but I don’t know what… 🙁
I also feel like hurting someone, but not in a serious way. I guess I just want to beat the crap out of someone at school to get all of my anger out. Nothing serious though… Just a fight.
I hope things will get better for you soon. I hope you’ll start to feel the desire to stay with us and live a good life. Maybe talking about your thoughts could help? Here on SP or to some professional, perhaps? Good luck
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Hi, Kat. I don’t think anybody here despises you. All of us have things in our life that are causing us grief. What we’re dealing with affects us in our own individual ways.
It sounds like you’re holding a lot of stuff in? Is there someone at school or elsewhere that you can chat with? It might help to get some things off your mind. After a while, things start to pile up and that isn’t healthy. If you’re having thoughts of hurting someone, it might help to unload some of your thoughts. I don’t doubt that you haven’t hurt a bug. Even the nicest of people can reach a point where they’re simply not happy.
I’ve read your notes and I’m curious as to what’s happening in your world. It might be helpful to share a little bit of what’s going on. This can be quite a supportive site. People here do a good job of listening and, when requested, providing some insight or feedback.
I just want to say that your comment blew me away, because I just can’t wrap my head around. . . I mean, how can somebody be so kind to me after I vomited up so much of my ugly soul in this post? I’m not kissing up, I’m genuinely halted. So many people in this community are so astoundingly kind.
I am holding so much in. Because if I tell anyone anything, they’ll send me to Kempsville, and any part of me that’s still good will die in that place. By this point, I’m so thoroughly rotten that if I were to ever really speak my mind, or be myself, everything will fall apart. I know I’m bad— but if everyone I love we’re to find out, their fear, and hatred, and heartache, and alarm alone would kill me. I’d die in the soul, like I would in Kempsville— final despair, event horizon.
I don’t have it any worse than many others, anyway. My life isn’t perfect but it could be worse. I hope the things I’m saying make sense. I really do.
Hi, Wiskers..that “D” is a real ghost or something?
“None of this matters, really, because nothing is real. Not this screen. Not the room I’m in. Not any of the people I’ve ever talked with. ” – My thoughts from last night .. nothing really mattered for real. All those “friends”, people that thought they know me-it was all just a sad dream. You are right, friend.
All my life in this realm is a joke. Nothing is REAL. And that is the plain truth, think about it. It’s all a show. It’s made up shit by sick people who want to own a “farm”, us being the farm animals for them. Everything is not to be taken seriously, none of it.
It’s BULL
D is not a ghost because ghosts are dead people, and I don’t believe in ghosts. He’s a demon, not a ghost. That or he’s not anyone or anything, at all.
I think we are not understanding each other. Because when I say that someone isn’t real, I don’t mean that they are superficial or that our relationship is based on false pretenses. I mean that they don’t really exist. That they’re unfeeling, unthinking fabrications that just act like they’re real. Like a CPU in a game, or a character in a dream. That’s what I mean. But I’m not saying you’re wrong, either. You could be right. I hope the best for you and your situation.
I hope the best for you too. This “D” thing it sounds like a demon. Do you have nightmares? Strange, scary nightmares? I did and many times because of this thing. What they want is to throw you off the balance. Once(1 year ago aprox.) while asleep , I could turn my head and I looked towards the desk in my room. It sat on it, and looked like the ghost of a murderer. “He” was slender. I don’t know how to say it but I knew he killed people. The way his body stood, a little bit bent forwards. Everyone would know if he/she saw this ass=hole. Maybe they see something in certain people. That’s their only occupation-to make our lives hell.
That happens to be my viewpoint too. I don’t believe in ghosts, but rather demons masquerading as human spirits. So, knowing D is a demon, and understanding the nature of demons and how they love to lie to you and reek havoc in your life any way they can, I think it’s best to do like you’ve been and continue to ignore every thing he’s been telling you. You may considering seeing a pastor or priest for advise on how to get him to leave you alone.
To passionforalways: how is it that you seem to know exactly what I’m talking about? I swear I’ve experienced something frighteningly similar! And yes, I do have nightmares, often. How did you make this thing go away? I’m all ears.
To krank: I’m so relieved that you agree with me. So few people do, it seems. Your advice is so very appreciated.
In fact, D has only ever really tormented me twice in my life: Before my religious conversion four years ago, and very recently, now that I’m stuck in this rut of backsliding. I feel too filthy to even come within range of my church. I’m afraid that I’ll bring my demon in with me. Or almost as bad: that nobody will believe me. I’m not Protestant, and they seem to be the only denominations that take the reality of demons seriously.
If you are actively hallucinating and aware of it you are halfway to helping yourself. It doesn’t sound like you are under a Dr’s care or if you are possibly you are not telling the truth, which makes sense since you would rather not be hospitalized. I totally understand the fear of losing that kind of control over my life.
However, and this is just a suggestion, maybe you could get on some medicine that will give you some breathing room? Or if you are on medicine, have it adjusted so it works better.
When I get close to being hospitalized I force myself to just take the medicine. It robs me of who I am and I feel hollow, but it gives me breathing room. If “D” is following you around and causing fear and misery then give yourself some breathing room, even if you feel hollow temporarily.
Thank you. I’m not under constant care or anything, but I do actually have a doctor and a psychotherapist. I’m starting to be more open and honest with them, but you are right: for a long time I was paralyzed with the fear of Kempsville and lied often. I’m so thankful that you understand.
Right now, my doc is trying to put me on an anti-psychotic (Geodon) in addition to my antidepressant. But since it’s such an intense drug and usually is only used on much older people, my insurance is reluctant to give the OK on it. I can’t wait forever.
I feel the same way about a few things: I too do not think that any of this world is real, not even people… That makes it easier for me to decide that I want to kill myself. But I also have the same torturing question: But what if this life IS in fact real…? I hate that thought.
Also, I don’t reciognize my own face either. When I look in the mirror I just stare at myself thinking: “This is me… Why don’t I feel like this is me..”Something’s going on, but I don’t know what… 🙁
I also feel like hurting someone, but not in a serious way. I guess I just want to beat the crap out of someone at school to get all of my anger out. Nothing serious though… Just a fight.
I hope things will get better for you soon. I hope you’ll start to feel the desire to stay with us and live a good life. Maybe talking about your thoughts could help? Here on SP or to some professional, perhaps? Good luck
I hope things get better for you
It’s so strange to see that we have so much in common. Especially since I’ve never met a single person who had even one of these in common with me.
I hope you feel better too. I’m starting to feel really optimistic about this place.
God bless.