Where do i start, my life has not been the easiest in terms of growing up. I’ve had problems from all fronts from varying categories. This list of problems I manage to put off everyday, just trying to ignore this world on my shoulders as I go to school and pretend to be happy with people I pretend to be friends with. My life in public is but a mask to hide my face covered in years of abuse and hardships. This list manages to grow with my best efforts of keeping the problems down, and it seems with every jab at the list that I try to fix something, I immediately gain 40 new problems. I put it off by keeping myself distracted by the smallest things in life, just trying to get it off my head until I run out of things to do, then I turn around and see this giant stack of issues that has gotten larger the last time i Looked at it. It doesn’t ever seem to shrink and I can’t handle it anymore. I’ve been trying to outrun the problems by switching around my personality in public, which is where the whole mask thing came from, but I managed to create a version of me that I hate. One that people like, one that people love, one that isn’t me. I’m jealous of this person, who sounds and looks like me, this extroverted funny guy who all the girls love, I even managed to win homecoming King at my high school a month ago, but these people don’t know this lie ive stacked, people think im this funny, popular guy who loves to party and loves sports. In reality I like being at home, reading books, playing games, they can’t know that i’d be hated for living this lie of mine for so many years now. School isn’t the only problem, it’s every aspect in life that hits me. I’m alone, I feel alone, my ‘friends’ can’t relate to em because they don’t know this side, my ‘family’ is the opposite of what I need comfort from. It’s at this point in my life where I have discovered I’m asexual, which in the simplest of words means I have no sexual attraction to either gender. Though I don’t know if this is true because its who I am, or if it’s because i’ve scared myself into thinking this because of my past. Two years ago I was playing CS:GO on my computer when my family was out of town and my brothers were having a party, in walks in this girl who is obviously drunk and she comes over and starts talking to me, doesn’t sound bad but the girl is completely naked. She then tries multiple times to get me to kiss her, or touch her, or to let her sit on my lap, the multitude of times I told her no, i’m fine, please, I don’t want this, after the whole “experience” I just locked myself in my room for a day and cried, I tried telling some people and they just started telling me things like, bro that’s not a problem you got lucky. This situation desensitized me to every getting into a sexual relationship, though you may be wondering why I don’t just go into a relationship that isnt sexual. I bring you to the second problem I faced with relationships. The closest thing I had to a crush was on my friend Callum, he was nice, played the same games, we was everything I wanted in someone. We played and talked everyday for like 4 years, it wasnt uncommon for us to talk everyday on skype for weeks. One thing, I’m an american, he was Australian, never saw him outside of a webcam. One day he doesn’t return my message, I give him space and message the next day, no reply. Weeks, months, a full year of silence till I got an email, from his mother, I knew her because callum introduced us and she was always nice. Callum had died. My best friend, Dead. My only friend, dead. My family never knew callum, nobody I knew even knew he existed because i never told anyone, I had a death of my best friend and I couldn’t talk to anyone. I got the news of his death a year late and it ruined me. I can’t make new friends without worrying that they will die on me, I can’t talk to anyone with this shadow of death lingering over them. I’m alone. Whats above isn’t even 1/4 of the list I have. These problems are ones I can’t fix, these problems are what have brought me so close to the end of the road. I’ve only really managed two friends in real life that I can say I liked and could be myself around, this guy noah, and this girl danielle. I stupidly introduced them to each other, they are dating now and rarely talk to me, I just feel broken and this world is just kicking me while im down, I can’t go on like this.
I’ll probably write up another post for the rest of these problems, But i needed to write them somewhere because I just can’t get them off my head.
1 comment
First off, I want you to know I understand the masks thing well. I started using them around 11 and it was the only way to get through the tough times I faced. I think I was lucky because I was able to integrate them and master them. I even learned to see when other people were wearing masks and that skill served me very well. So I encourage you to understand the masks you wear, why you wear them, and not let yourself be ruled by them.
I also sympathize with your desire to avoid dealing with your problems just so you can make it through another day. I have done the same most of my life and it turned out to make things so much worse. Telling people, friends, teachers, counselors, that you are reaching a breaking point is something you have to do. You have to ask for help when you need it and accept help when it’s offered. It’s a bitter pill, but, ultimately, less bitter than dying.
My son is 20 and asexual. He has no idea what gender he is attracted to. I’m completely fine with this. I’ll love him whether he wants to be with a man, woman, or dwarf circus clown. When it comes to affairs of the heart I know two things for damn sure: 1) worrying about who you will be attracted to solves nothing, and 2) when you find that person you are attracted to, you will have no doubt about it.
I’m sorry your friend died. I know that is tough. You may need to grieve longer. You may need to stop grieving. It’s not for me to say. What I can tell you is that one of the reasons we let grief run its course and let go of the pain is because grief has a way of keeping us from letting new wonderful caring cool sweet people into our lives. You deserve to have as many wonderful caring cool sweet people in your life as you can stand. So do I.
Imagine if you were the one who died instead of your friend. Would you want him to be eternally sorrowful because of your passing? Wouldn’t you want him to have new good friends in his life that he could laugh with, play games with? We honor the dead by carrying on and remembering them fondly.
You may not have the skills to let go of this grief or the fear of losing another friend. These are skills that can be taught by a therapist. Your school should have someone you can talk to about this. I encourage you to do so.
One last point. You did exactly the correct thing by not taking advantage of that drunk woman. Having sex with a mentally impaired person is rape. Full stop. It doesn’t matter if she was drunk or had part of her brain missing or wanted it. She was incapable of making an adult decision. Sex should only happen between people who both completely understand what is going on. It may be 50 years before society accepts this, but that day will come.
I hope I’ve been helpful. Please post more and share your stories. There are even people that visit SP and are more helpful and at the same time not so long winded.