The only thing keeping me here is I really want to find myself again and see if I am any happier. So here is a really long vent.

6 years ago I was a teenager. I drove drag cars, I worked 2 jobs, I spent my days off working on my street car, I was a huge canabis smoker. I had a place to live and a room mate, and when I threw a party people came from miles around to be there. I would leave and catch a plane and go places on a whim because I wanted to get away. I was losing weight and working out every day so that I could have the body I wanted. I wanted that body because I wanted to decorate it with tattoos and piercings and be proud to show them off.  I still was depressed but I wanted to live still.

6 years ago this month I found out I was pregnant. In December I would take my last trip. I would never step foot on a drag strip again, I took my street car and put it back stock and would eventually sell it for something better for kids. I stopped the drugs and drinking, there hasn’t been another party. I would by a real house, I took most of my piercings out. My friends would never talk to me again. I dressed in yoga pants and t shirts and I gained most of my weight back.

I became the person society said I should be as a mom. Two years ago I would have 3 kids and my youngest almost lost his life. I quit my job and became his sole caretaker for his special needs. I dedicated the past two years to doctors appts, living in hospitals, sleepless nights, and keeping 3 kids alive and a house up.

I was was married for 3 1/2 years and in another relationship for 10 months and other than that 10 months I have felt so alone. I no longer was referred to as me it was ALWAYS “hey you’re ******’s mom”! When people talk to me it is always to ask me about the kids. On the rare occasions I am out alone I am always asked where the kids are, never does anyone ask about me.

After my breakup I have realized that I don’t know who I am anymore. I no longer exist. Guys ask me “so what are your hobbies” or “what do you do for fun” and I sit and think… I do nothing. I have nothing. I don’t really enjoy anything. I hate the way I look, I hate my personality, I hate everything about me. I hate my life.

I sit and wonder if I try and find myself. If I start taking care of me again. Would I actually have the desire to live? Would anything change? I have 3 kids that I have came so close to leaving lately and maybe the last gift I can give them is putting me first as a last attempt to stay here with them.

I started gauging my ears out again. I plan to go get more piercings before Christmas. I am down 10lbs.  This Friday I will be back on the drag strip! It’s still hard, every day is a battle to literally force myself to even care. Daily I want to give up (and have tried). I don’t want to do all this and at the end it be for nothing. It’s so much work and I am so exhausted. I just hope I can stick it out and if I do I hope it helps.

I think the biggest thing was my mom (who hated the old me) came for a visit and my son looked at me and said “mommy I want to be a princess when I grow up” and I replied without hesitation “and you will be the prettiest princess there ever was” .  That’s when she sat back and realized she had never supported who I was because she was afraid of what society would say and judge me by. She looked at me and said “you support your kids no matter what they want, you stand up and tell them not to care what others think of them but you aren’t happy because you aren’t really you anymore”. My oldest loves to race and just got his first drag car at 5 years old, my son wants to be a princess, and my youngest I push that even with special needs can do and be whatever they want. I am there on the sidelines through it all telling them it’s ok while I’m hiding in a shell of a person I hate because I don’t want others to think less of me.

I I really hope I can do this. I want this more than anyone would ever know. I also don’t want to live and am still incredibly depressed and alone. I am miserable.