Home Coping Skills
Report Post

The only thing keeping me here is I really want to find myself again and see if I am any happier. So here is a really long vent.

 

6 years ago I was a teenager. I drove drag cars, I worked 2 jobs, I spent my days off working on my street car, I was a huge canabis smoker. I had a place to live and a room mate, and when I threw a party people came from miles around to be there. I would leave and catch a plane and go places on a whim because I wanted to get away. I was losing weight and working out every day so that I could have the body I wanted. I wanted that body because I wanted to decorate it with tattoos and piercings and be proud to show them off.  I still was depressed but I wanted to live still.

 

6 years ago this month I found out I was pregnant. In December I would take my last trip. I would never step foot on a drag strip again, I took my street car and put it back stock and would eventually sell it for something better for kids. I stopped the drugs and drinking, there hasn’t been another party. I would by a real house, I took most of my piercings out. My friends would never talk to me again. I dressed in yoga pants and t shirts and I gained most of my weight back.

 

I became the person society said I should be as a mom. Two years ago I would have 3 kids and my youngest almost lost his life. I quit my job and became his sole caretaker for his special needs. I dedicated the past two years to doctors appts, living in hospitals, sleepless nights, and keeping 3 kids alive and a house up.

 

I was was married for 3 1/2 years and in another relationship for 10 months and other than that 10 months I have felt so alone. I no longer was referred to as me it was ALWAYS “hey you’re ******’s mom”! When people talk to me it is always to ask me about the kids. On the rare occasions I am out alone I am always asked where the kids are, never does anyone ask about me.

 

After my breakup I have realized that I don’t know who I am anymore. I no longer exist. Guys ask me “so what are your hobbies” or “what do you do for fun” and I sit and think… I do nothing. I have nothing. I don’t really enjoy anything. I hate the way I look, I hate my personality, I hate everything about me. I hate my life.

 

I sit and wonder if I try and find myself. If I start taking care of me again. Would I actually have the desire to live? Would anything change? I have 3 kids that I have came so close to leaving lately and maybe the last gift I can give them is putting me first as a last attempt to stay here with them.

 

I started gauging my ears out again. I plan to go get more piercings before Christmas. I am down 10lbs.  This Friday I will be back on the drag strip! It’s still hard, every day is a battle to literally force myself to even care. Daily I want to give up (and have tried). I don’t want to do all this and at the end it be for nothing. It’s so much work and I am so exhausted. I just hope I can stick it out and if I do I hope it helps.

I think the biggest thing was my mom (who hated the old me) came for a visit and my son looked at me and said “mommy I want to be a princess when I grow up” and I replied without hesitation “and you will be the prettiest princess there ever was” .  That’s when she sat back and realized she had never supported who I was because she was afraid of what society would say and judge me by. She looked at me and said “you support your kids no matter what they want, you stand up and tell them not to care what others think of them but you aren’t happy because you aren’t really you anymore”. My oldest loves to race and just got his first drag car at 5 years old, my son wants to be a princess, and my youngest I push that even with special needs can do and be whatever they want. I am there on the sidelines through it all telling them it’s ok while I’m hiding in a shell of a person I hate because I don’t want others to think less of me.

 

I I really hope I can do this. I want this more than anyone would ever know. I also don’t want to live and am still incredibly depressed and alone. I am miserable.

 

17 comments
0

Related posts

17 comments

Hazy Day Sunflower 11/30/2015 - 9:46 pm

@abiss: I love this post. No really you have no idea how much I felt like a kindred spirit as I read this. You are me 14 years ago. 14 years ago I decided to finally find myself, who I was at the heart of my soul. I had become the yoga pants minicooper driving POS I always hated and I couldn’t even look myself in t he mirror. I was on 2000 mg of depakote just to keep my head from popping off and 20lbs overweight. I looked around at my neighbors and I hated them hated being pigeonholed into this middleclass horseshit of an existence. It wasn’t me, it isn’t me, who I am in my heart.

So I sold everything and moved to Texas and never looked back. I found a place no one knew me where I could get back to basics, who I am in my heart. I don’t care about the house or car, I care about my garden and cactus, paining and dreaming. Listening to music. I have three kids, one who is autistic and brilliant. One that wears a tutu in the mud in my backyard digging for worms and a third who is an adult and just cruising beautifully in life.

And I found myself again, this year finally. It took 10 years of working my ass off to get to a place where I am me again, the woman who is the 15 year old girl so excited by life that she can’t contain it.

I am also bi-polar, and have come to realize that is who I am too. Batshit crazy and on a rollercoaster many days. Man you have no idea how you are me back then, looking at my kids thinking, WTF am I doing???? What kind of roll model am I that I gave up my dreams for yoga pants???

I absolutely love this is post (and you!) *insert appropriate theme song here*

Go get yourself pierced, tatood, gauge your ears, dye your hair pink, who gives a shit? And fuck your family, my mother has second guessed my life all 47 years of it. Now she calls me weeping bitter tears because she is so happy she raised such a smart loving daughter…seriously lady? this isn’t you this is aaaaaaallllll me. Rock on sister, rock on.

abisslover25 11/30/2015 - 10:20 pm

Giving up your dreams for yoga pants is soo true! I have enough miss me jeans in my closet that I probably could have paid for a semester of college, yet I wear yoga pants and t shirts every single day. My oldest is obsessed with country life and wants a farm so I take them to rodeos and buy boots and jeans for them to wear because that’s who they want to be. Yet I won’t take the time to put real pants on myself.

My hair was pink when this all started lol! Now I am a two toned blonde with perfect straight hair. I’m thinking a really bright red next. Lol

Hazy Day Sunflower 11/30/2015 - 10:31 pm

I went to Slipknot this year with my oldest daughter just to check that bad dog off my bucket list. It was amazing I had forgotten what I was missing. Her BF is in a screamo band and we hit the dive bars to hear his band play. I just said fuck it this year, I’m living life on my terms.

Then I had to go fuck it all up and have a massive manic episode, which is what landed me here on SP in a desperate attempt not to get hospitalized. Seems to have worked.

Go pink…is that kinda like going black…. (*insert crowd groan here…)

SeeSmith 11/30/2015 - 9:46 pm

Welcome back.

You aren’t a shell of who you used to be, you just took a detour. You had your reasons. Toning down the partying I understand. But if drag racing was your thing you shoulda kept it. If piercing and tats was who you were then you should continued being who you were.

“maybe the last gift I can give them is putting me first as a last attempt to stay here with them.”

1) No shit, Sherlock.
2) Adulthood = Misery, not a good lesson for the kids.
3) Last Gift? Please, just another wise gift you give them.

These changes aren’t going to cure any deep rooted issues, but, yes, it sure the hell will put some fun back in your life. That’s better than dying.

Jeeze, if some of this hadda been in your first post any number of people would have pointed this out.

Yeah, you should define your motherhoodness. Motherhood shouldn’t define you. Same for marriage and other significant life changes.

You’re still going to need some sort of ongoing therapy or support group. But otherwise, welcome back. 😀

Hazy Day Sunflower 11/30/2015 - 10:05 pm

^^^^^everything SeeSmith said too^^^^^^^

abisslover25 11/30/2015 - 10:16 pm

when I made my first post I thought I was doing what I was supposed to do in life and that something was wrong with me for not being happy. I live in an upper class neighborhood with a nice house and a pool. All mine and my kids clothes are name brand. I have the big screen tv and even have a tanning bed in my bedroom. Why am I not happy? My kids go to great schools and have friends and have play dates all the time. Go carts and race cars for my 5 year old. Every riding toy walmart sells is in my yard. I have a huge yard and the perfect dog. Family pictures and curtains that match. A playroom of toys devoted just for the kids. I should be happy. I have the life most dream for but it is so not me! My happiness is not the house I come home to but in the car I drive (which I hate). I hate the straight out of the catalog house decorations and would much rather have a nightmare before Christmas theme. I hate this life. Keeping up with the neighbors who don’t do “Christmas lights but hang wreaths in their windows and put spotlights on their homes.

Giving up parties is one thing but I gave it all up. Not even a glass of wine with dinner. I enjoy going to the bars and sitting on the patio having a beer and listening to a crappy live band. My husband and I in 3 1/2 years of marriage had 3 dates without kids. My ex and I had no dates without my kids. I felt guilty leaving them and also it’s REALLY hard to find a sitter for a special needs kid.

I think it affected my relationships a lot too because I couldn’t be myself and the front I put up gets tiring and I lose it.

Hazy Day Sunflower 11/30/2015 - 10:27 pm

I had it all and walked away. Just sold everything and flagged my middle finger at the whole fucking thing. It is NEVER too late to find yourself. You know what children need, you happy, genuinely happy. Give them that and you never have to buy another fucking Walmart ride on toy again.

abisslover25 11/30/2015 - 10:42 pm

Haha god I hate those toys. They are always everywhere!! I can’t just pack up right now because I’m still getting my finances straight from my ex walking out. Also I can’t really move to far from where I am due to my sons special needs. He has one of the top surgeons in the US so in some ways I still have to be a mom and know they come first.

Hazy Day Sunflower 11/30/2015 - 10:46 pm

@abiss: I totally get the special needs thing. If I moved from here (my son was born here) it would take months and months to get him stable again. I’d never chance it. But reclaiming hour true identity? What price, soul?

abisslover25 11/30/2015 - 11:08 pm

It’s still hard to get there because I really don’t want to wait and I am sick of the pain and hopelessness I feel. Not a second goes by I don’t want to end it but I am really really trying.

SeeSmith 11/30/2015 - 11:32 pm

My wife, son, and I lived in a ramshackle tiny apartment in a never gonna be gentrified neighborhood. My son insisted on going to the school in walking distance so he was one of the two white kids that went there. He learned how not to get shot or stabbed just like I did at his age. We didn’t have crap except a ton of art I inherited from my mom. My son’s toys were always the cheapest we could buy because they’d get destroyed in a week anyway. My wife and I drank and smoked and cussed all the fucking time. We read books and played computer games together. We were so happy. Ha! Individually depressed. Happy as a family.

I’m so glad I met my wife and her son. He was the answer to every prayer I never had. Everything fell apart when my wife fell in love with another woman, but it made her happy and that’s what was important.

I beat myself up for *years* because I couldn’t give my son the big house in a nice neighborhood with a pool. Ha! I cringed because I had to dress my son in thrift store clothes like my mom did for me. Ha!

Thank you for sharing those tidbits about your life. It really casts a different light on my haphazard marriage.

abisslover25 11/30/2015 - 11:39 pm

I loved in a tiny double wide trailer before this. Everything was falling apart and I LOVED that place. It’s not what you have, it is what you make of it.

abisslover25 11/30/2015 - 11:41 pm

I actually road by the other day and they had tore it down and I felt really sad. The memories made in that POS will forever outweigh the memories I have in this house.

SeeSmith 11/30/2015 - 9:49 pm

Yep. I knew Hazy was going to get on this before me.

IF HAZY TRIES TO GET YOU TO ADOPT DRAG RACING CHICKENS, DON’T DO IT. THEY’RE LEMONS.

Hazy Day Sunflower 11/30/2015 - 10:04 pm

Delicious feathered lemons.

abisslover25 11/30/2015 - 10:42 pm

I love lemons!!

Hazy Day Sunflower 11/30/2015 - 10:47 pm

@abiss: I almost typed something about squeezing my lemon but didn’t’ think anyone would get the Led Zeppelin reference.

Leave a Comment