Its not suicide I’m scared of, its what might happen if I don’t succeed.
What would my mother do? Would she pretend that it didn’t happen just like when she found out I had hurt myself a few years back? Would she disown me? Or would she be there for me and get me professional help?
What would my friends do? Would they call me an attention whore? Would they completely bail on me? Or would they stay with me and help me?
And school. What would happen with school? Would I get looked down upon my all of my teachers? Would they not take any notice at the fact that I didn’t want to live? Or would they help and allow me to see the school Councillor?
No one knows, especially not me.
If I do it, my plan isn’t to fail, but there’s always that little voice in the back of my head asking whether I want to risk the consequence. The truth is that I don’t, but I’ve done nothing but consider it. Replaying different scenarios in my head of how I would do it. Which way would I prefer? Nothing messy. So, over dosing? Hanging myself? Or would I simply just jump from a high building? I’ve considered them all and have never been able to make my mind up. Over dosing would be the most peaceful and painless, but do I want it to be peaceful and painless? I don’t know.
For the when I decide, I’ve been getting myself ready for which ever I chose. I’m constantly switching between where I would jump. The 6 story car park in town, or even my 3 floored high school. Collecting whatever pills I can. There’s a variety of them so far, I have a lot more to get hold of though. Figuring out where I would tie the noose and what I would actually use for the noose, a dressing gown tie? That’s what my dad used. Why not?
Do you think if I carried out all the things my father did when he attempted suicide, maybe then my family would realise how much my past affected me? Maybe they would notice the links? Maybe.
6 comments
I’m sorry that you lost your father.
I think it would be impossible to miss the enormous impact it had on you.
It’s not right that your mother ignored the fact that you hurt yourself. That’s a pretty serious thing. I can understand if she was in a bad state, but it’s not really excusable.
A question comes to mind when reading your possible scenarios.. Do you want help?
I apologise if my writing is confusing but my father did not succeed, he is still here, although does very little to be a father to me as he hasn’t acknowledged my existence properly for over a year. I was 13 when she first found out, she doesn’t know that it is an on going thing, but I guess I just wished she’d have taken notice then, before it worsened.
I do want help, I touched on that in my last post. The matter of the fact is whether my mother will do anything. Whether she will get me help, or if she would even believe me. The main worry would be the fact that I don’t think I’m strong enough of a person to tell her, or ask her.
Young, I don’t think you should kill yourself. Someone I loved killed herself as well, and in my eyes that hopelessness defines me as much as you may feel fathers death defines you.
I just wrote a really long response and deleted it, because I don’t want to make assumptions about how you’re feeling now. Instead, would you tell me? I’m asking because I went through hell after the suicide of a loved one. I only survived because I had someone who guided me back then. If you’re in that same hell, then I want to help, if I can.
I’m really sorry that you’ve been through that. I do apologise if my writing was confusing but my father only attempted. Multiple times, in front of me none the less, but he is still here now. I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through and can relate to a certain extent I guess, so If you ever wanted to talk??? cro0kedyoung@outlook.com, you can email me whenever. Thank you for your concern though.
I’m so glad that you had someone to guide you during that dark period of your life, to help you be here now. You deserve to have survived. You deserve to be here.
I just want to let you know that YES you should be worried about what could happen you you if try to end your life and don’t succeed. I knew of a guy that jumped off a 5 story building and lived through it. But had shattered parts of his skull, broke both arm, his ribs and so forth. What that guy went through was amazingly scary and painful and well you don’t want that to happen to you. I myself tried to kill myself not to long ago and I wound up in a coma for 2 days and that was not a pretty picture either. I came close to death a few times while in the coma but was hospitalized and lived. The idea of winding up messed up but living is a real concern > you can wind up making our life 50 times worse and live through it.
I hope you decide not to end your life.
Exactly! I was very impulsive years ago after getting into an argument with someone. I took a bunch of klonopin + alcohol, OD’d. Woke up in the hospital with family surrounding me. Not fun. Had to stay in the psych ward for days. Hated it. It could’ve been much worst though, I could’ve ended up in a coma or had permanent brain damage. I’m glad that you’re ok!
The only thing stopping me from now on is the fear of being seriously messed up.