I understand that many people have it worse, but I feel hopeless. I’m young, too young for my experiences, but on the cusp of adulthood. I’m supposed to be planning for my future, but all I can plan for is a way to make it through the day.
My mother is bipolar, my father is dead, my sister is severely OCD, my half-sister is a manic-depressive bipolar manic paranoid hallucinogenic schizophrenic alcoholic with severe and violent anger problems. Her two children, as well as all the others listed, live in the same household as me.
Of course with all of these illnesses in bound to have some sort of problem, right? I’m destined for it. And it’s true. I’m depressed and slightly suicidal. Also I’m one hell of a procrastinator. Oh did I mention I’m at a boarding school? In some ways, it is better for me. I’m the weakest in the family besides my niece and nephew-who my half-sister thankfully doesn’t go after-so I’m usually her target. In others, it’s awful. I miss my home, no matter how difficult it is there. Sometimes I become so overcome with sadness and anxiety I can’t finish school work which leads to bad grades which leads to anxiety and the circle continues.
This entry really has no point looking back, but has made me slightly sleepy. Hopefully I can fall asleep tonight.
3 comments
I find it interesting how welcoming this community has been to me. People like me hear stories like yours and realize that most people here have gone through some really rough stuff. Myself included. It’s actually amazing the connectivity I find even after only being here for a short time. Even if I haven’t lived your life, I hope maybe you can feel this too? I’ve realized I’m not alone in feeling this way. We are all searching for the same thing, and offering each other support to overcome it. There’s nothing wrong with you, or any of us… we’ve just been given burden deeper than we think we can handle. But I hope we can prevail. Even if some of us give up, it doesn’t make us weak. It’s understandable why all of us here have felt like dying, and why some of us have. If anything, I guess… don’t blame yourself for the way you feel. Forgive that part of yourself. Sometimes, getting by day to day is what’s really most important. Sometimes it’s what we need. This may come off as contradictory to what you’re feeling, but you need to take a break. Anxiety is not when you act or move forward, it’s when you pause. Baby steps. <3
Your smarter enough to know making it through the day is the important part. That’s a pretty big deal.
Sorry boarding school is sucky. Never did it but there were times I wished I could of just to avoid my family. My dad did it and he said he was super miserable.
Theoretically I guess your family could have severe issues yet be functional, but it’s been my experience things rarely work that way. Usually what I see is people lurching from crisis to crisis. That takes a huge toll on everyone. People that grow up in those situations tend to lack long term planning skills.
Meh. What do I know? Wanting to be with your family counts for alot. I’m sure they can use the help. Something is going to have to be done about your half sister. Letting someone that disturbed drink is enabling her abusive behavior.
Please don’t think of yourself as weak. You are an adult now and physical conflict us not permitted in our society. If your halfsis physically abuses you when you are home then call the police. There is no justification for that kind of behavior.
If your halfsis is plain old nasty then I suggest headphones.There isn’t much else you can do other than move out. God help her kids!
Try to get as much out of boarding school as you can. You aren’t wrong for being depressed. Also, an adulthood filled with mental illness isn’t a guaranteed thing. I know it may seem that way.
Are you going home for Xmas?
I wanted to let you know I read your post. I don’t have any easy solutions for you aside from getting the heck out of that house as soon as you can manage it. FTR you are in a situation that is terrible at best and life threatening at worst. If I took a poll I’d wager that many do not have it worse than you, at least when I take a poll of people I know IRL. On this forum I don’t know many people’s situation so they would have to chime in on that accounting.
Keep talking with us, it gets better, at least for me, knowing there are eyes out there tracking my progress.