well, unfortunately, not a single soul truly cares about me. i need to understand that. that the only one who cares about me, is me.
As some of u may know, I commute about 2 hours each way to and from work. Part of my journey takes me past my old high school which I left a long long long time ago. I also go thru areas that were my old stomping grounds and even past two houses I used to live in with my parents. most days I pretty much keep my head down and read a book or look and post here on sp. But for some reason today I was casually looking out the bus Window when I got hit with all these memories from my past. It was crazy, I could feel these memories as well see and recall every detail. These were some of the best times of my growing up, I wasnt bullied anymore or teased for been different, I just fit in for once and everything clicked. It was also the same time I started using drugs, which looking back, its no wonder I kept using them. As far as I was concerned these drugs made me become “normal”, & accepted.
Anyway, what I wanted to say was that along with these memories, came a flood of sadness.i almost felt like I was grieving for something. Maybe for all the hopes and dreams of that younger me. Anyway, its true what they say, youth is wasted on the young….. as it should be. So, in case any of u dont kill urself, live it up, take risks, go hard in ur own way and do as much fun shit as u can. In fact, if u are gonna kill urself, do this anyway, cos afterwards. ..Its just black.
As for me, I’ve found mine.
In the warmth of my reaper.
Her hand is gently grasping mine at the gates.
I’ve waited and wanted a true unconditionally accepting love.
Not once have I thought it would be her loving heart that would welcome me home.
She greets me warm. Her smile is intoxicating.
Her grip is strong, enough to break my will and see her true beauty.
Now I will just say good bye.
So, let’s start this off right, shall we? I suffer from psychosis. Meaning, I suffer from hallucinations on top of my major depressive disorder. These voices are evil creatures. James – The ring leader – wants me dead. Hailey wants others dead. Jimmy – The nice one – left years ago, I’m assuming hallucinations can off themselves too. I’m so sick of hearing from them. And yes, I’m on medication. And again, yes, I have been taking it. I’m so sick of this world. Nothing good comes of it. But god help me if I don’t want to live in this filth encrusted world we call home. The one true love of my life left, she brought light to my world but no more. I might give in some day soon. This is not a cry for help, but an outlet for my stress. No one listens to me. They all want me to be locked up in mental bins. F— that. I’m not going back.
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To Airrie. To IamABuilding. To vho. To Soco. To Iwantpeace2.
To joeld. To AnnieBear. To Raven. To Fantajin. To Nathaniel_Morisawa.
To into_the_sky. To rivets. To butterfly1123. To whiskered-fish. To those I missed.
To ALL of you.
I urge you to watch this documentary. No, I am not here to “save” you.
I don’t come here with false promises or magic potions. All I have is me.
I am HERE4UOK.
I just want you to be more aware, more informed, to feel encouraged a little. Maybe. For a moment even. In a positive way.
Don’t let the tunnel vision of entrapment, the wall of people and circumstances around you, block your view of what’s out there.
And what’s out there, out here, is both negative and positive, yes, but I guarantee you, there is more good than bad.
So why do I volunteer in suicide-related support groups? I am no professional therapist. I’m no Psychiatrist or Psychologist, no “shrink”. So why? I’m just me. A father. A son. A brother. A husband. A friend. An acquaintance. A neighbor…
Still why? Well, I love life. I love people. Why? I chose to.
Please do not confuse your desire, your need for pain to end, for your struggles to go away, with wanting to end your life.
You’ve read or heard this before:“To end one’s life is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.”
Cliché? Yes. But true. So true.
Feel like chatting? Just remember, who am I? I’m HERE4UOK
suesyd . nomore at gmail . co m
1 (800) 273-8255
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
1 (800) 273-8255
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
24 hours, 7 days a week
English, and Spanish
0800 068 41 41
It’s a voluntary organisation supporting teenagers and young adults who are feeling suicidal.
Línea de Intervención en crisis: 01800- 290- 00- 24
De joven a joven: 01800- 713- 43- 53
Because my disposition is so heavily suited for very unsavory tasks such as merciless combat and deceit, this makes me ill-equipped for more mundane things like small talk, forming relationships, and creating effective art. However, this statement is a contradiction, as my disposition also makes it possible for me to exhibit fairly uncommon forms of altruism and to stress understanding and communication which are key elements in promoting harmony.
And yet, neither statement is true, because one’s memories (more importantly, the condition of their brain) define the persona that is constantly undergoing development. In this sense, who I am now is merely a result of odds. But such statements imply that my personality reflects an immaterial soul that I do not possess.
By virtue of possessing such a contradictory set of principles, I’ve become the victim to two frequent phenomena: 1) consistent dishonesty and 2) an inability to be taken seriously. As a result, the likelihood of my social selectiveness has been reduced dramatically. This in turn, has rendered me a failed variation, which mandates my eventual death.
Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove.
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wand’ring bark,
Whose worth’s unknown, although his height be taken.
Love’s not Time’s fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle’s compass come;
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me prov’d,
I never writ, nor no man ever lov’d.
Before I leave you all, I have one request.
Let those that I love know I love them. Let those who know me have a blessed life. Let those who I trust know where to speak.
As for the woman I miss and hope to fix one day down another life;
I hope you know that without you my demons overpower me. This is not your fault. Not your battle. As for you, I wish you find yourself. I found me in you.
I also lost myself in your glorious love. In your pleasant surprise of joy and truth. I will stay forever lost in the time that I was happy.
“Any last request for the new one?”, asked the toll keeper.
Other than prior mentioned, one. I’ll have a Guinness and a jameson. Jameson room temperature, Guinness, I’ll have at 56º in a chilled decanter. For that is the true way to soothe a broken soul.
Wow. I realize I only have a week before ya know, but I can’t stop feeling like I have things to do beforehand. I just don’t know if I can go another 6 years looking for someone who can just listen without flipping out and trying too hard to help. But I feel I’ve done too much damage to good people’s lives to stall. Like, for the love of bacon, why me? I used to be innocent and happy, and now I ain’t worth the dirt under my shoe. I guess not all dreams come true.
Someone requested a happier song, so here is a song I wrote in middle school. I had a huge crush on my best friend (nothing ever came of that), so I wrote this dorky love song. I swear, I wrote betters songs at 12 then I do now haha.
I have found my heart with yours
Our colors run together right from our pores
And the paper thin walls between us break so easily
I feel so needy
And I’ve been thinking…
You won’t ever leave me, baby
Ain’t that right?
You’ll stay by my side forever, baby
And even though it seems a little unbelievable,
You’ll never leave my side
My central controls must be on the fritz
‘Cause there’s a flood of emotions where there’s normally a spritz
And they say love is blind, so you’re all I see
My mind is racing just like my heartbeat
And the pitter patter on the window isn’t a curse
We’ll stay warm inside until the storm gets worse
The rain is a blessing right from the big blue
I’d change the weather just to spend time with you
I love you more than I ever thought could be true
I wish I wouldn’t,
I wish I couldn’t,
I prob’ly shouldn’t,
But I do.
You’ll never leave my side
Unequivocally I regret the time spent on the porch. Sitting. Pondering. Contemplating. I’ve never been one to dress up or down. My family being who they are, will inevitably be there for me in my passing. Not dressed up or down. However, they don’t understand who they expect me to be. I’m a loser. A fake. A fraud. Death is my only true companion. And I welcome her with open arms.
I remember researching this some years ago and recall that even though a nation would honor the criteria for euthanasia, it didn’t hold true for foreigners. Where can one go, for a low-cost, where one doesn’t have to be a national, and be primarily guaranteed death with minimal pain?
So to anyone on here that kind of knows me, no I’m still not dead :(, and yes I was supposed to be. Everything imploded and I was all set to get on outta here.
Then things looked up for a brief moment. Hope is dangerous. I was ready to die, why didn’t I just do it?? Now I’m scared again. Because I thought maybe I could stick around for a bit, but that’s turning out not to be true.
I’m right back where I was, only now I’m afraid.
I sit here in utter amazement like I have so many times before, paralyzed stuck on the couch where I’ve been since last night on the down side of this GOD FORSAKEN rollercoaster. It seems like the older I get, there’s not as many highs as there used to be just down, deeper and deeper, when I finally do reach the bottom there’s not even a little bit of light anymore, and it takes so long to reach the top again, I suppose I will get up soon and try and find something, anything to ease the pain like I’ve had to do so many times before, it feels like a cancer eating away at my heart, ( what’s left of it ) my being, my very soul. The only thing that I have left in this rotten world is my youngest daughter, she’s all that is good and pure in my life, but like my other kids, I can’t keep her from growing. I wish that I could because she is the true definition of ” daddy’s girl ” but even she’s getting to the age that she’s starting to wanna hang out with her friends and like my other babies, I am so proud of her and couldn’t love her anymore, lmao she’s the only thing keeping me here, if I didn’t have her I would’ve just bowed out gracefully awhile ago. Unfortunately for me though she’s really smart, and even though I don’t give any clue of how I feel, she knows and I know she knows, the GOOD LORD knows that I’ll never win father of the year and I was young when I first became a dad, I always took care of my family, worked so much so they could have everything that I couldn’t as a child, but I didn’t give them enough of me or my time, wasn’t there for them emotionally. I was selfish and I’m paying the price for it now, because when my oldest son was killed 4 years ago the rest just walked away. In my defense kids don’t come with instruction manuals, so I had to learn from my mistakes and I feel that I have, just too little, too late. Well I guess I’m done with my little pity party, it’s time to go get the stuff to ease my pain, Thank you for letting me post, I wish you all well.
It’s like a taste in my mouth..
Yes a taste, very faint, but still there
I can just see myself. Released into space
Suffocating from the lack of oxygen
Just so peacefully dying
I don’t want to blink and be dead
No…I want to feel it…to feel it slowly slipping away
I have these day dreams, where I’m in Chernobyl..
Walking down the street wearing the uniform of one of the original fire men..helmet to boots…
Just walking the empty city like a zombie
Letting the radiation turn my skin pail, my veins showing like I’m some kind of junkie,
A Fox walks up and asks? Why do you have that on, you know it’s covered with more radiation than anything else here right?
I turn to the Fox, with a blank face, a cold set of eyes and a dry voice….reply..we don’t eat,,,falling over dead shortly after
The Fox looks to the sky and softly mumbles…the world will never be the same..in a sorrowful way
I’d sell my soul to the devil himself….if he could make that come true…as long as my body disappeared, and no one ever knew…not because I want to shield anyone..simply because I’m cold..colder than the peaks of mounteverest, and deeper than the bottomless pit I fell in,
In the beginning
They were just two kids
One lived with depression
The other lived in bliss
They found a new feeling
On June 26
Their world changed forever
After the first kiss
At times life felt jaded
But they knew
They couldn’t be separated
Throughout their time
Love never faded
But always dissipated
On this one day
He could see red blood
But the sky turned grey
His angel had left
He started to decay
Sweet lovely death
She flew away
The still young child
Wept through the dreamland
He was walking alone
Though he could barely stand
He felt something warm
Grab his cold hand
He fell to the ground crying
He knew it was his woman
I found my true love long ago… she was just -god she was beautiful but that’s not why I love her. There was many factors to why I do, but the biggest was her ability to make me laugh.
We have been dating for almost 10 months and have completely given each other our souls to keep..
There’s one more thing I forgot to mention: she had depression. Really, really bad depression. I don’t want to give a 2 hour long backstory at the moment, but if you’re interested, just ask.
Moreover, I think she killed herself today… “think?” You might ask. The answer is yes. I think because she texted (after a really bad night, last night), “I’m sorry for what I’m about to do.” I haven’t been able to get contact with her since.
I think she might have been sent to a place where she can get “help”… her mom has been acting strange, but she hasn’t told me she’s dead so.. I don’t know.
Just a post to say thank you to the awesome dudes/girls who replied to my first post and helped me out. I am truly grateful that you cared enough to reply and offer me support and sympathy. And especially for not preaching the feel good bullshit that is on 99% of help sites online.
I kind of feel as if I’ve hit a point in life, as if I am waking up to who I really am. It is terrifying but I have to be me. No matter how I am on the outside, my soul and brain are still me. It’s time for me to ditch the fake me, who has brought me nothing but shame, unhappiness and self-loathing.
My life has been mostly shit for ages but truly “to hell an back” over the past 18 months. Yet, some things have happened (or tormented me with the hope) that have been like the highest high – a promise of true happiness and freedom. Destroyed cruelly by life but somehow, it has awoken the true me. It is as if I went through trial by fire and the fire burned away the fakeness.
Two tips for people going through hell. 1) Breathe. 2) Love your pets.
I was going to write a long, motivational post but i just dont have it in me right now, its mid week and im already sick of it. If only there was a way to live without conforming to societies demands that leave you broken and soulless, since when doe living a life require us to trade our souls for enough money to live. I thought there was more to life but we spend the majority of it working, doing things that dont matter for bits of paper that we give away straight away so we can have a place to live, lights to see with and internet to distract ourselfs. I feel true sorrow at what the human race is. we traded our souls for a tv dream. more fool us
It’s your typical existential thought but I think there is a perspective that no one has pointed out. All the good in the world and everything that people consider good is true by their own standards. Humans only have self justification and nothing else. Those who judge suicidal people and think we are wrong for thinking like that dont really have anyway knowing that we are wrong.
For all we know, wanting to end your life is the best thing one can do
Is it better that we have the choice to say goodbye, very possibly for the last time?, Or is it better not to have a goodbye?
Really I’m sure it’s the first one. At least than you can accept when someone goes that it’s true, …maybe
I guess it’s hard either way most of the time,
“No sir, I don’t like it”