The only thing that holds me back is destroying my family and those who love me. My mom would be absolutely devastated. My suicide would probably kill her. And I don’t want to leave my dog either. But sometimes I’m like fuck it all, I don’t care anymore. And then I feel really selfish.
I don’t know if I can take it much longer. I’m gonna tell my therapist about my suicidal thoughts for the first time tomorrow (at least I’m gonna try).
Right now I feel I’m a really weak person. I fucking hate myself.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck this fucking shit.
Sorry I just needed this
8 comments
I know how you feel. You’re not weak. You’re strong to feel like that and still be here to write about it.
5 months ago I felt the exact same way! Take one minute at a time. Do you have any support?
I usually add a few “fuckity”s in there, but that’s a personal taste.
Yes, tell your therapist!
You are not weak. You are not wrong. You are 20 feet down, trapped in a well with slippery stone walls. Nobody expects you to sprout wings. Hold on while somebody gets a ladder.
Please tell your therapist.
It takes a lot more courage to tell then not tell. Be couragious! You can do this.
PLEASE tell your therapist of your suicidal thoughts! And if they freak out or judge you then find another therapist (that’s what I did). My first therapist made a big deal out of it, which made me retract it all. I realized it was THIER weakness, not mine, so I switched therapists. When I told the second one, they were curious but not judgmental and it felt so good to talk about it. Therapists are supposed to be trained to help you through those feelings. Do I still feel suicidal? Yes, some days I do. But I have someone who knows about it now, and who cares and can get me help. It makes a difference.
I think my therapist will not judge me. But it’s very difficult to me to talk about my feelings. It’s not his fault, It’s mine. In a very good session we talk about 10 minutes (just yes and no or short answers). The others 40 minutes are just awkward silence.
I thought of talking to my friends but it would be selfish of me. I don’t want to drag them into my problems. Like the Imagine Dragons song says “don’t get to close it’s dark inside”.
I don’t think it is selfish. I find it much harder to talk to professionals about anything personal, and that’s one thing friends are there for. Depending how you go about it, it could be a lot of pressure on a friend. But people sometimes have more of an understanding than you might think and are even glad you’ve told them.
For the therapist, maybe you could write something down or show him this post?