why is it that it hurts so much that the loss of the love of your life, kids and marriage just make you want to die?
does anyone else think like this?
nothing I do seems to take the pain away. I’ve followed all advice concentrate on yourself, give her space, your a good man you will find someone else. I know my problems compared to others including on this site seem small…but to me at least this is everything…yes I have a good job, two fantastic kids, I’m fit and healthy, good friends, but even with this I’m still at rock bottom! What is wrong with me? I’m consumed with fixing my marriage but know its unlikely to happen
I’ve tried everything but now my last approach is to accept what is happening and appear to be ok with it and happy (all lies btw) to try and win my wife back…this was an idea from my counsellor.
so I’m going to give myself a few weeks of this and if it doesn’t work I have my exit bag ready!
11 comments
Did your counsellor mean try to accept what’s happening, or did they actually mean to pretend to accept it? If it was the second, please see someone new.
Your problems don’t seem small at all. You had something very painful happen in your life. It sounds like since then the pain has become overwhelming to the point that you can’t really feel anything else. However it started, feeling like you can’t live anymore is a huge problem in itself.
I’m sorry to hear you have an exit bag ready. It’s probably a comfort to have it waiting, but it seems dangerous too. Any small thing could tip you over the edge to make you go through with it. I don’t think you’ve been given enough help. All the advice you’ve had sounds great, but I think you need more than that. When you’re hurting that much, you need more than general advice like that.
Trying, even pretending, to accept what’s happening might keep the people around you happy, which could be easier for you in the long run. But you need to do more than that, or you might be feeling the same in a few weeks time. Some people go through really bad relationship problems and they need someone to talk about it. Then there are people who go through something like that and get so severely depressed that they’re suicidal, and that’s a different problem that needs more help. I don’t think the people you’ve talked to realise how much pain you’re actually in. Have you told the counsellor you feel suicidal? Or seen anyone specifically about depression? You never mentioned that word, but that’s what it sounds like to me.
Why is a divorce or end of a relation so painful?
The part of our brain that registers physical pain is what is active when we experience rejection. Why? Because it is a death (emotional death). It really is some sort of death, that’s why.
If a spouse dies in an automobile crash while still loving his or her spouse, than that was a physical death. It sounds to me like in your case, it’s been an emotional death; and we all know how painful experiencing some sort of death is.
That person was that certain reference in your life and you have to now suddenly find your new self when, for so long, you have only known who and how to be by referencing that other person.
My friend, if I may call you that. We are in an extreme alike situation. Except I dont have kids. I am mortified over this that happened to me three months ago. And i do not get any better. I will write a longer answer in a couple of hours. In the best case, maybe We can advice eachother.
Better yet, I’ll send you a message.
Errr… anyone.. how does one go about sending private messages on this site..? If the possibility even exists.
Can’t. IMs and PMs are not supported here.
If you want to exchange messages with anyone here, you could trade email addresses that you create exclusively for the site, or you could add each other on some anonymous instant messaging service like Kik.
One day your kids will go through a break up and they will ask this question. Hopefully you will still be around to give them an answer. If not, their answer is going to be suicide. You can get through this.
Probably one of the best responses I have seen. The only reason I have not taken my exit yet is my kids. I have been through a divorce and being left by the love of my life for another person. I try and stay strong for them because I don’t want them to see this as the answer even though it feels like the only one.
Your life ending is not minor. Ending a marriage is a death. I’ve been through it and it was like trudging through mud. Warm thick mud. Someone once said t me that it takes a month for every year you are with someone to start feeling some kind of normalcy. I beg to differ, I don’t think I ever will be the same. And that is okay, because I don’t want to be the same as I was before or during. I’m broken and I’m okay with that.
Be gentle on yourself. Keep moving. No one walks through grief as uniquely or correctly as you can do for yourself. Once I got over the shock of the end I began rebuilding a new life. And it felt like it took FOREVER. But one day I woke up and looked around and somewhere along the way I rebuild a new life. And it wasn’t the same as the old life, there were some new supporting case to be sure, but it is my life. A new chapter.
I’m not going to say don’t do it. God knows I thought about it so many times. But each time I thought about it I found some reason to delay it or something would happen in my life to make it okay for just today, or for just this hour. All I can say is keep moving forward. Life falls into place, sometimes it is scattered at my feet, but it is still in place.
Ok, so apparently there are no private messaging available on this site. Please feel free to send me an e-mail to my (rarely used and “anonymous”) e-mailadress: andaras@spray.se