It’s called “chronic pain” for a reason…

So, I want to die.

I am 30, and have been suicidal since I was 12, that I can recall. Why? My mother married a redneck Hitler wannabe when I was 5, and changed my surname to his. All my mother ever did was work to support us, and so I was essentially raised by this racist, psychotic sociopath who ruined me. What I mean by that is: he beat me down physically, spiritually, emotionally, and mentally. (My father was not in the picture, by his own choosing.) My mother’s husband ruined me completely.

I have no self worth, no self control, no self confidence, and no future. I cannot see a future, because I want to die everyday.

I have a daughter, and in some respects she is wonderful. But I am far from an ideal mother, and because of that, I think she’s psychotic. I have ADD, OCD, perfectionism disorder, I have borderline personality disorder, and of course, I’m suicidal. I take medication I don’t want, and some days I’m even a very nice human being. But I’m tired of taking these pills. It’s the oddest thing: the pills have given me the clarity to be rational, but I don’t want to take them anymore.

Many mother is having surgery Friday, and 2 of her sisters are coming here to support her, and my grandmother is already here. Which means in total, 5 people, 2 cats, a puppy, and a suicidal Grinch will be in one house.

I teally, really want to die.