(This is a long post, someone please read.)
My name is Brii. I am 21 years old. My birthday is January 11th. I’m a beauty advisor, and I ust to work at the most popular sucessful bar in town not that long ago. I live in a smaller town in Iowa. There’s not much to do here. Everyone knows everyone here, they all know who you are and what you are before even meeting you. There are good people here, but it’s very lonely no matter how many people you know. Who is your friend, your family, anyone. They all seem to live day to day, no care in the world. Everyone tries to make you happy. But it all seems like a lie. They live in bliss. I live scared but yet collected. I hate myself. I hate who I am. I can’t stand living trapped in my head one more day. Every day I’m living just to watch it all go by. These people try their best to keep me happy. I wonder if they know that I’ve been living on the edge all this time. I wonder if they know how much I struggle. I wonder if they believe I’m fine.
I’ve been living for the past 7, almost 8 years batteling myself. There are points in my life where everything is ok. That I look forward to the next day. Then the days where I struggle to get out of bed. When I haven’t brushed my teeth in days, taken a shower, changed any clothing item, and ate or drank anything. I find myself either awake for days when I’m like this. Or asleep for 18+ hours at a time. I can’t help but cry for hours or lay in bed completely numb to the world. But then some days something comes over me and I tell myself I need to surround myself with people. A stranger for all I care. I can’t be alone. The day I want to be alone are the days im clutching on to sever different pill bottles I’ve saved for suicidal tendacies. Sleeping pills, psychiatric pills, and pain killers. I must have over 1,000 pills I’ve saved for years from everything I’ve been prescribed. I’m a fucking disgrace. Im a pansy. Why do I want to go by medication, over dose. I tell myself it’s the easiest way. But everyone knows over does isn’t easy or always sucessful. I know this all too well. I slice my leggs open on days I want to feel like I have control in my life. I lose control so often. Sometimes it’s the only thing I have that I can make a decision on souly by myself. Im tired. It’s been years since ive been fully ok. Even though I have my good periods, it always lingers on the back of my mind. Some days it makes me happy to think about death. It excites me. I’m curious to see how my after life goes. I have an idea. I’ve been announced dead for a few seconds before. It’s unsettiling and calming all in one.
I’ve had one almost sucessful suicide attempt. But I ended up contacting someone I use to hold so close to me. Just so I could say good-bye verbally. He called the ambulance on me. I remember the inital over dose. I took way too many pills to count. I didn’t eat or drink for days, besides the alcohol that night to speed up the process. I laid in bed, with my suicide letter written out on my night stand. I had several letters, each for every person I ever cared about in my life. And one inital letter. I had a will written out, my room cleaned. Everything packed away and ready to be removed from where I resided. I had all of my personal information written down, passwords, important documents, everything. I laid in my bed and I remember the feeling of a tingling sensation throughout my entire body. Like when your foot falls asleep and it’s almost awake again. My ears began to ring. My vission was blurry from either crying for so long or the medications kicking in. My heart started to race, I couldn’t move. My stomach was the most upset it’s ever been. I remember passing out. Then waking up in an ambulance. A paramedic asking me questions. Fading in and out of conciouness. I remember trying to speak. I don’t remember arriving at the hospital. But I remember my best friend at the time being there. I’m not sure if I was hallucinating. But she was clutching my arm and hand, hovered over my bed crying. I don’t know how she got there or found out. Im not sure if she even was there. But I remember telling her that I’m happy, I’m finally happy. Then everything went black. I remember waking up and vomiting. Your stomach being pumped isn’t pleasent. You choke and gag. A tube shoved down your throat. Your stomach, throat, everything hurts for days. I remember before waking up. Hearing sirens, screaming, shaking uncontroably but not being able to move, you feel trapped, enclosed, like the entire univers just caved in on you. And you become nothing. I now know and can concept what exactly nothing is. It’s scary. I found out later that my body quit on me. I remember laying in ICU for days it seemed, hooked up to all these different monitors. I remember being alone. I remember later being wheeled to the MHU. And staying there for over a month. Days turned into months. I didn’t talk to anyone for days. I laid in my provided room for what seemed like forever. I had few to little visitors. My two best friends, Jordan and Heather. My mother and grandmother. I remember leaving MHU, and not even two days later I was at my friends house and was trying to overdose again. I ended up back in the hospital again. I did not want to live anymore.
What drew me to suicide to begin with? I remember starting to have suicidal thoughts when I was 11. And I’ve been dealing with it to this very day. The first attempt I had was when I was 13. I tried to hang myself. But my support for my rope was too weak and broke after a few seconds. Suicide. It’s bliss, it’s the most beautiful thing in life. You either live with it forever, or actually act upon it. I guess why I’m so stuck on suicide is because of my life.
My father abused my mother and I physically for years. My father was a meth addict and an alcoholic, my mother was young and in love. My mother was only 1 month and 2 days newly 16 when she gave birth to me. My father not much older. My mother stayed with my father until I was 12 years old. For years I watched my father beat my mother. Including beating me. He never touched my little brother though, only verbally threatened him. I always made sure my brother was never harmed. But now my brother and I are no longer close since our father left. I remember one night my father and mother were arguing, he is once again drunk. I was in my little brothers room holding him. I was about 8 and he was 6. I remember the screaming getting louder. So I told my brother to stay in bed. I got up and walked to the door. I cracked it open, and from the room you could clearly see the bathroom, where my mother and father were. My mother has always found the bathroom her safe place, it was the only door that locked in the house. She still does to this day. But the door to the bathroom was open this time and they were standing in the bathroom screaming at each other. My father ended up gripping my mothers hair by the back of the head and slamming her face in the slice of wall that connected to the shower. Then she collapsed. He then took her head and slammed it so hard into the tiled floor in the bathroom that you could see the basement. I remember running out of my brothers room towards my mom, screaming. And I don’t remember much after that until going to the hospital with my dad and brother after I believe the ambulance picked her up. My mother had medical tape wrapped around her head and a neck brace on, hooked up to macines. I remember staying the night in the hospital with my mom. But in the room next to hers with my brother. She didn’t want us to see her like that. There were nights I was alone with my father as well. And he would hit me or drag me by my hair if I didn’t behave. I won’t get into too much detail about the abuse I went through from him. Because I’m sure every single one of you reading this can imagine what it was like. I have much of my story to tell. After my dad was out of the picture, which I haven’t seen him or talked to him since I was 14, except for the time we walked past each other in Wal-Mart 3 years ago. My mother met a new guy. She had met him over the internet, on myspace. He immediately moved in with us after a few weeks. And my mother got engaged to him after 6 months of knowing him. He had/has a son, and he is around 6 ft. tall, about 300 lbs. Now my mother barely knew this guy. But she is still married to him, and him and his son who is about 11 now still live with my mother. Don’t get me wrong I love my step brother and I wish my mother could keep him. That kid looks up to me like a super hero. But I hate my mother for letting them stay. But I love my mother because she’s my mother. But why. Why mom. Why do you do this to me. I can’t help but think that you don’t love me. I just want to be fucking loved. I don’t know how to put into words how I’m feeling and what I went thought. So I’m just going to say it. I was sexually asulted for 3 years by my mothers husband. My mother even once found a fucked up photo of me on his phone. And she just told herself it wasn’t me pretty much. Why mother. Why. I was getting fondled and anally raped for three years and you were never there for me. Almost every fucking morning for three years! At 5 a.m. Before you would wake up at 6:30 a.m. I wish you would have woke up mother! My room was a loft! I had no door, two walls railing and a cealing! Why didn’t you wake up! I couldn’t scream for you for 3 years mother! I just wanted you to wake up and save me! Just fucking wake up, please I begged of you! And the day I told you, a few days before I turned 18, you didn’t fucking believe me! You chose him over your own daughter, your fucking flesh and blood! Your flesh and blood! I can’t believe you! I need to fucking stop. I need to fucking stop. I need to get over this in this moment and continue my fucking story. I told my ex before you mother. And you know this. I had to let it out before I ended up dead. I told him and two days after I told you. My ex that I dated for almost three years cared a lot more than you ever did at that time. I TRIED TO KILL MYSELF AFTER THE NIGHT I TOLD YOU! I WAS ALONE! My ex, mike, called me when I was in MHU and told me exactly “I can’t do this anymore Brianna, I’m leaving you. I’m in california trying to get through my contract in the United States Marine Corps. I’m so far away and I can’t help you anymore. I’m sorry, I don’t love you anymore.” Then hung up the phone. FUCK! Then you have the never to show up a few days later and tell me! “What about me, what about Aidan, what about Bryant, what about the dogs, where are we going to live, what are we going to do, look at what you’re doing to us, look at what you’re doing to the family.” You never once asked what about your daughter, what is she going to eat, will she have a place to stay, what is she going to do, what about your fucking daughter! If you don’t remember mother the night before I tried to kill myself and you told me you don’t believe me and I need to stop lying. I fucking threw everything in my room, broke a lot of things that night. I was screaming! I was crying! I ran out of my room and threw the dining room chairs, tipped over anything in my path or threw it. I threw everything that was on the kitchen island. I went to the living room and stood in front of the bar for a few seconds, then slammed my head on the bar repetitively, screaming, crying! I did not want to live anymore mother! And every day I have to fucking live with myself! EVERY FUCKING DAY! I want to die. Everyone I ever cared about left me that night. Everyone I ever thought that loved me left me for dead! I was homeless mother! I had to become a stirpper! I sold my body to people just so I could live! So I could show you all that I can do this. And I relaize that I should have died! I was starving, I had nothing and no one for the longest time! I did so much shit I regret doing! Just to fucking live! And doing all of that wasn’t worth living for but I fucking did it for you, for all of you! Just to stay alive for all of you! When I wanted it all to end so badly! I still want it all to end! But I can’t do that to you! Because if I did it would be my fault! I would be selfish! And no one would still even consider to think of me when im dead and gone. You all would be thinking of your fucking self! I want to be dead, it’s my choice and it would make me happy for once in my miserable life! To this day everyone pretends all of this never happened, how can you! How dare you! How dare you do this to me! I’ve spent the past almost 5 years in hell! A living hell. And not until recently, the guy I first fell in love with, zakk. The guy I dated for two years before mike. The guy I tried to contact for the past 5 years just to go get coffee with and talk. The guy that tried to contact me for 5 years to talk and get coffee with me. The guy I’m still in love with. We finally got back together, and he told me he loved me. And that’s all I ever want in life is to be loved for once. My own father and mother can’t even love me so why should you? You gave me hope. I was happy. I was finally fucking happy after years! Then you have the nerve to tell me you don’t love me anymore? That you dont have the same feeling you did 5 years ago. You had sex with me! I let you in! I accepted you! There were no signs! We didn’t fight, argue, anything. Then you hit me with this out of the blue and leave me! You were here I believe 2 night ago, I can’t even tell how many days it’s been already. I was clutching onto a pill bottel trying to over dose right in front of you! And you left me for dead! You struggled trying to take the bottel away from me. I would not let go until you thretened to call the cops. I let go because I cannot go back there. I figured out then and there that I need to plan my death again. I can’t go back there. You fucking left me. After giving me hope. I WANT TO FUCKING HATE YOU! But I can’t I still love you. But I fucking hate myself, I‘m at the point in my life where I’m ready to end it. Fuck, I’m alone again, no matter how many friends I have I’m alone. Who would want me. Not even my own family does. What would ever make me believe you would. I’m pathetic. I’m ready to end it. I can’t do this anymore. And I haven’t even told you my full story. This is just a small piece of the hell I live in every day. You have the idea.
I just want it to end. I’m tired. All I’ve ever wanted was to be loved. I will never know what love feels like from someone else. I’m almost at my breaking point again. And this time I’ll make sure it successfully happens.
24 comments
I don’t know what to say but I just want to give you a hug after reading that.
http://www.jamesaltucher.com/2012/05/love-yourself-as-if-your-life-depended-on-it/
It sounds like you’re hurting really badly, I’m so sorry. I hope you find peace either in death or in life, whichever you choose.
I skimmed through most of what you wrote-since it was a lot to read. What can one say? I wish for a world where no one harms or abuses anyone else but unfortunately on this crummy planet, abuse of vulnerable people is the norm and evil dominates.
Before you decide to depart from this earth, I’d advise at least getting some justice/revenge on those who have harmed you-particularly that man who moved and raped you for 3 years. I’d recommend reporting him and anyone else that sexually abused you, to the police-fuk up his life, that’s the least he deserves for what he did to you.
No offense, but your mother sounds like an inconsiderate moron-why would anyone risk the lives of their children, esp. a young daughter by marrying a virtual stranger? Is it any wonder he turned out to be a pedophile? I don’t condone violence at all-however your mother deliberately stayed with these abusive men and in a sense she got what she deserved for being with people so terrible.
I’m very sorry you got herpes-you really should’ve thought twice, because that’s for life, until they find a cure. This will make finding someone that much more difficult for yourself-unless they have the disease too. I don’t blame you though-when we’re younger, we make major blunders, sometimes those mistakes stay with us for life.
It’s not all hopeless-people in situations like yours, sometimes even worse have been able to turn their lives around and find happiness and love. Anything worth having requires a lot of effort. Also as much as possible, avoid living under someone else’s roof, because you’ll be under their control-if you’re able to live on your own, that’d be best. Plus I hope you learn from your mother’s example and not repeat her mistakes-avoid abusive guys.
Like you, all I wanted was to find someone to love who’d love me in return. I did find that a couple of times in my life, but things didn’t work out for one reason or another. I didn’t realize it’d be so hard-but you just have to keep trying and eventually it can pay off, best of luck.
@Newname
I tried to file a report to the police. But i was told that they could only preform a rape kit test 72 hours maximum after an assult. It was well past 72 hours and they dropped the case. I tried my best to file a report but they were all dropped in a small amount of time with not enough evidence. He should be in prision right now, getting what he deserves. Shit, he deserves nothing. He shouldn’t even exist.
I love my mother, yet I hate her. Her decisions she has made in life have affected me greatly. And i had little to no control over it. Athorities never really helped no matter how many times i called, and no matter what was going on in my life. The only person who tried their best to do anything about it was my grade school counselor, Mrs. Harding. I saw here once or twice a week. She was my only friend growing up and did everything and anything she could for me. It’s funny how my mother isn’t my motherly figure, but my teachers and school counselor are the people I look up to as a mother.
@Newname cont.
Getting herpes was my concious decision to have sex with him. I thought about it for a long time and decided to make the decision to sleep with him. I even told him that if i were to end up sleeping with him that; I’m making this decision because i decided i know that i want this, I want us. If I end up contracting it I have to live with it for the rest of my life. And I was willing to make that decision. But its screwed up that he hit me blindsided in the end and left me how he did. Herpes is an diseases I have to live with for the rest of my life. And knowing he gave it to me. I was in love with him for 7 years. And i still love him. Love makes you do stupid ththings.
I’ve been on my own since I’ve been 18. Living on my own or with roomates. Supporting myself. Paying for all my bills and needs. Working to be independant. I try not to depend on people. I am self sufficient, I take care of myself as an independent adult. But the only thing that’s been missing is someone else. Love i guess. And i wait for it. I’m very patient when it comes to love. I’ve only been in love twice in my life. But when the love is gone it feels like I’m never going to find it again.
Thank you for the deep thought in replying to me. And i wish the best of luck to you as well.
@Bri,
I’m sorry the cops couldn’t do anything for you. It’s odd though since I’ve heard of people going to jail for molesting kids years after it happened. Also take Bill Cosby’s example, he raped/sexually abused women in the past but is getting in trouble for it now.
There are other ways of getting revenge on people who’ve done such things to you but I won’t say anything and I’m sure you have your own ideas-I just hope you have some guy friends who can help you out on that.
I totally understand how you feel about your mother-but it was wrong of her to put you into this situation but this type of stuff really happens all too often sadly. I’m glad your teachers were able to help, I’ve always held teachers in the highest regard-I wouldn’t have gotten where I am today without their help.
As for the herpes thing, I follow medical news occasionally and they’re always coming out with incredible new treatments for things like cancer and AIDS, hopefully they’ll find a cure for herpes as well, you just never know. You could talk to a doctor and see if there’s any cutting edge treatment out there.
Nice to hear that you’re own your own-I know that can be a real struggle as well. Nowadays it does take at least two incomes to live comfortably. If you have a bestie or someone really trustworthy, might be worth getting a house with them or something-my mother lives with me (retired) and we’re planning to get a house next year. In my city things are very expensive so unless you have a high income job, it’s tough for a person to live alone.
Yes trying to find that special someone is always a challenge…especially when you’re trying to manage everything else in your life, like a job and other stuff. You’re welcome and thanks as well…I appreciate your sincerity also.
Most of us are here because life has dealt us a terrible hand-through no fault of our own, or in some cases, bad choices we made but with the best of intentions. One thing that stopped me from committing suicide in the past is simply knowing that I can-one day-at a time of my choosing, I can decide to end all of this if I wanted.
I’m also not religious and know this is the only life I’ll ever get (don’t believe in an afterlife). So despite all the bad shit I had to go through, I figure I’ll keep going and who knows, find happiness and in the end, I’ll feel that it was all worth it. Even if that never happens, at least I tried. Fortunately in my case, things have been dramatically improving so I think things will get good for me next year. But it’s still along way to go, I have a lot of work ahead of me to get me to that next level.
Hi there. I’ve stoped to read the full text.
I’m not sure about what to stay to you, because im kind of person that doest not sell the shit that i dont buy myself.
But i wanted to let you know that you are not alone, theres people that cares about you, even estrangeiros like us.
I do have my own problems yes, i know parte of that feeling, being traped inside your own body.
Anyways, im not sure how i can help, but feel free to talk to me about it.. Maybe , but only maybe, all we need is to talk about and to feel that some1 trully cares about US, to build a relationship.
I read your post, Bri. It makes me very sad to see that things right now have degenerated so far in your life. You’ve really done nothing wrong. It seems to me that you’ve done your best; sure, maybe having sex with someone who you knew had herpes was a little impulsive, but that’s what love does. Love makes people impulsive, trust me I get that all too well.
It seems you and I come from two different worlds; all the problems you face are completely disjoint from mine. I’m sorry I can’t be of more help to you, but maybe someone else will be able to offer you some advice.
But I do sympathize. Life has been unfair to you, Bri. I think you deserved better. But your life is far from over. I hope you look to the future, and fight on. Your heart seems to be in the right place.
@Mordred
Thank you for taking the time to read this. And everyone else that did. Most days I feel like a lot of it is my fault. But i know better than that. My life has had more downs than ups and it’s exhausting. And yeah i made the choice to have sex with him. I was completely aware of my decision. I even too a long time thinking about the decision and weather to make it or not. Now i have to live with it for the rest of my life. It’s just messed up on how I was caugh blindsided with it. Thank you for all of your kind words. The fact that you took time out of your day to read and reply to me means the world. And that goes the same with every single person on SP.
Hi there. I’ve stoped to read the full text.
I’m not sure about what to stay to you, because im kind of person that does not sell the shit that i dont buy myself.
But i wanted to let you know that you are not alone, theres people that cares about you, even strangers ike us.
I do have my own problems yes, i know part of that feeling, being traped inside your own body.
Anyways, im not sure how i can help, but feel free to talk to me about it.. Maybe , but only maybe, all we need is to talk about and to feel that some1 trully cares about US, to build a relationship.
I will reply later everyone, when I have the time. Im suppose to go out soon. So I will reply within the next 24 hours, on the wall, or here on this post.
I have been following this site for some time, but I have never felt compelled to register or leave a comment, until now. I read your entire post. I feel for you. You have struggled greatly in life. I too have struggled but in different ways. No one can fix you or make you want to live. You will have to decide whether it is worth it to help yourself. Although it sounds counterintuitive, forgiveness of those that have harmed you will help you to let go of the negative memories you outlined above. Your anger is what is allowing these memories to have continued power over you. I know that is easier said than done. I struggle with doing the same.
I dont know what the solution is for you but I hope you find peace, even if that is by ending your life. Im dnot trying to encourage you to take your life, but I think everyone has the right to decide for themself and I hate it when people try to talk me out of it. I admire the courage that you have displayed in your prior suicide attempts. I want more than anything to end my life. I plan on using a shotgun to end it. That way there is no failure. All I have to do is pull this trigger, but I simply lack the courage that you have right now.
Anyway, this is not about me. I wish you the very best moving forward and luck with whatever choice you make. Remeber that all of this has happened to you. None of it is your fault. Please try to find peace.
beaubri,
if you need to talk just to vent or whatever, you can email me, randy_rocking @yahoo.com, you can write as much as you want, i look forward to hearing from a few friends, don’t know if i can help but I’ve been around the block a few million times, some times it’s good just to say hi 🙂 that goes for anybody.
@Rocketman
I will be sure to email you today. I will look forward to talking with you. And anything you would like to say as well, my door is open to you.
Thanks look forward to hearing from you.
Hey bri,
I read the whole thing. Top to bottom. And i dont know what to say. I am sorry degenerates like your dad your ex and your step dad have mentally and physically tortured you.
I am sorry that you feel like you are no more your mothers daughter.
I live very far away from were you live, like a few continents away, so theres not much i can do.
But i am here if you want to talk.
Also youre really close to my age, so i feel more connected.
You can have my email if you want.
@sui.
I would be glad to email. The more I can get everything out, the better I feel slowly. I don’t care how far away anyone is from me, if someone wants to take time out of their day to just talk. That’s pleanty enough for me. And the same goes for you. I would be glad at anytime I’m available, to listen to anything you have to say. I can’t control my past or do anything about it. I just have to live with it. It sucks, it really does. Growing up and even recently I just feel like it’s not worth it anymore you know? I’ve lost hope in a lot of people. The only people I can seem to relate with or connect with anymore are strangers.
@beaubri: I would just like to add what was done to you does not define you.
I have said this multiple times on the forum but a parent’s job, their only job really, is to keep their children safe. I would argue it is all adults in the world’s job to keep all children safe but that is a post for a day I have a lot more energy. For a day I can feel my cheeks and lips.
Your mother and the rest of the adults in your life violated their contract with you, the child in the relationship. Due to this you never learned the basic tenement of living healthy, and that is internalizing safety.
I understand this principal, I have spent years internalizing my home, a healthy home. It feels like it took forever, 46 years actually. I say start building your safe home inside your heart and flush the parents and adults who raised you. They belong in the sewer under your house, let the rats feast on them.
Alrighty then.
My emails sui_rc@yahoo.com.
I am glad i could be of some help.
Atleast i hope i was.
Cus off late, here on SP, reading other peoples pain and sharing my own, its really helped me.
Looking forward to hearing from you.
@HDS
The fact that you took time to respond and the way you are feeling right now is beautifully breath taking.
If i could ever bare children, I would do anything and everything for my children. I would sacrifice myself and my happiness for my children. Any child. No one should ever go through what i have. Expecially a child, it affects you for the rest of your life. It affects who you chose to be with in your life and how they treat you. I’ve. Dated guys who have beat me and abused me. Because it’s what i grew up to and my mind tells me it’s normal, when it’s not.
I do my best every day to be self sufficent. There are times I exclude everyone who has ever done me wrong in life. I pretend like the never existed. I have not found my safe home yet. It will probably take years to find. I struggle finding myself in general, my heart seems too weak to even support myself at times. Yet my brain is doing what ever it can to keep myself safe and at ease.
@Newname i will respond later. I’ve. Been stuck in thought today. I’ve been active one here in a different sence today. Mostly because I am very deep inside my own head. So im bringing out the positives in myself today as I collect ny thoughts.
@Bri, no problem hun, anytime. Sounds like you’re feeling better too (just read your new post) and I’m happy to see that. 😉
I’ve actually been oddly positive today. Honestly ive been teling everyone i care about how much i appreciate them and love them today. But in the back of my mind ive been at bliss. Im enjoying the moment. I’ve been writing all day. To the people I love. I want to go out in a bang. I’ve. Been telling myself that since last night. And it makes me happy. So why not share my happiness.
That’s great to hear! I hope though that you aren’t planning to actually ‘go out’, especially if things are getting better for you. But whatever you decide, I support you either way.