My grandma died today, she had a DNR. I’m not handling it well.
I just needed to say it somewhere, somehow.
I’m not ok, I’m not ok, … I’m not ok.
My videos are set to be only viewable to the places I share them to. Please respect that. My videos will never be more than 5 minutes and thirty seconds long. I have severe PTSD, anxiety and depression. That's what a doctor would call it. I've struggled with the thoughts or actions of suicide for 11 years now. I'm currently 22. My life has been one huge pile of crap. And I feel as if there is nothing I can do about it. I'm forever doomed to live the way I always have. To keep newer members up to date, read some of my older posts. You'll get the idea.
For fellow, past, and possibly gone members of SP. This is my apology for dissapearing. This is my apology for blowing a gasket the day I left. I seriously thought that day was the end of days. My time to end. Frankly I’m alive. This I cannot say for some past SP occupants. To all I hurt or made a fuss with I am truely sorry. This may not mean much a year past, but it’s worth a shot. I’ve learned the beauty in life and I give my thanks to everyone who touched my heart here on SP. I’ve met some people I will never forget about. And I pay my respects to all who have passed. Without the support of so many beautiful people I would have been dead a long time ago. To this I give my all to you. For those who are no longer with us or those future people to join SP I live my life for you. I love for you. I give my life for you. After all, no one should ever go though what I have.
The most beautiful thing I’ve ever met was death. The most I’ve ever loved was suicide. The beauty in the world is the survivors of this battle. The greatest people I’ve met in this world are the ones who struggle the most. For the ones who passed, you will never be forgotten, you live through me. I love you. All of you.
(In case sportsnut doesn’t realy. This is a timed post and will post automatically on its own.)
Good bye sportsnut.
I love you,
Hazy day sunflower,
Notinterestedinlife (pretty pandarian princess),
I’m not meant to be, so good bye. Do what you all do best. What ever it be. Don’t worry, I wont be around. Stay strong, even if that doesn’t mean a thing.
Please pass this on.
From the finger tips of Beau.
(Could you copy and past every thing above these parentheses and post it on SP for me, I trust you. Make the title Beaubri. Good bye sportsnut you’re amazing, stay strong, keep on moving.)
What happened to suicide?
What happened to everyone?
It’s like I’m in Jr. High.
Where did the heart go?
This place isn’t home.
My family gone.
I’m tired of watching as everyone focuses on juvenile topics.
When there are people like me, and others that need more attention than others.
Yet everyone doesn’t care.
They say they do.
If they really did, then I don’t see it I haven’t for several weeks.
See, people like me are left in the shadows as everyone parties.
When that one heart felt, blunt comments could save one of us from falling off the edge.
You say you miss someone when they trun up missing, but do you really?
If they come back you hardly notice.
I’m ashamed to be here.
And I don’t want to be a mother.
I stopped focusing on everyone here.
Because I’m suicidal.
And it’s not a joke.
Yet not a lot of people get the picture.
Then I realized as watching that the people who need someone to talk to the most get little to no attention. While the people who party get all of the attention.
If you want to party every day, take it somewhere else.
I don’t care if you’re bringing positivity in here, but do it in moderation.
And now I’m done
SP used to give me a reason to live. But that’s no longer the case.
See I’m suicidal and I can’t fill anyones cup because mine is empty.
You don’t get it and probably never will.
We’re talking about life and death.
Some of us are completely serious.
So get off of your bum and reach out to someone.
Some of us can’t change a lot of what we struggle with. Weather it be suicide, depression, or life events.
See, you could have saved me.
And maybe others.
Stop stealing the spot light.
I’m tired of feeling like I have to post several times a day just to get someone to talk to me. And lately when someone does reply it’s pathetic.
I’m sure other people have felt the same way.
Everyone deserves to be recognized equally here.
Not this bull shit where most of the members lurk, and get left out of the picture.
I’m fucking done.
To do list:
The blade is finally too dull to do damage. No matter how much you press it does little damage. And I don’t want to get stitches, so best not to press full force. I can’t wait to be re-united with a fresh blade.
Open Pandoras box
I dare you
Tripple dog dare
Maybe I’ll turn blue
Screaming thank you
That’s what they are
Trying to save you
When they have no clue
Do you know blue
Just go away
I don’t need you
After all I might turn blue
Words like razors
They say they’re saviors
You’re just another average
In that room
The taste of metal
Watch me fall like a petal
They still have no clue
Wheels holding me tight
Five out of fifty
Isn’t that nifty
Let’s climb that hill
Take some more pills
Hear me plop
Holding that cinder block
Never to surface
With only one purpose
To see you smile
It’s worth my while
So close the box
Let’s watch the show
They still don’t even know.)
I’m waiting, and today I can’t seem to be patient. I need you, I need your words. I need to read. It’s been dark today. You are mt crutch tonight and I hate myself for letting myself think that way. I don’t need a crutch, what am I doing? I’ve sunk a little more today. It’s been at a constant rate for days.
My own thoughts.
Stop fucking sinking. God, you’re pathetic.
What does it take to be ‘normal’? What is it like? How do you process things? What is it like to be happy?
I used to go by the quote,
“Love yourself and the rest will fall into place.”
That kept me going off and on for years. That’s why I got it tattooed on me.
Now I can’t even concept how to love myself. The usual;
I have a big heart.
What ever. I still tell myself a few things. No matter how much I tell myself, I never seem to let myself believe in those things anymore.
What is this? What am I? Who am I? What have I become?
Nothing, a nobody with not much. A suicidal maniac. With the hope that I get shot in the back of the head some day during a robery or something. Save me the trouble will you? A black hole, not even light can escape. An abyss. My mind is my troubles. Sucking in everything like a tornado. And I mean everything. Once it’s entered my mind, something destroys it. Spitting it back up. Let me tell you that it is not pretty.
I hate myself so much.
Tonight I have tunnel vision again, it’s been a while. I hate it.
I’m losing my mind. Pretty soon I’ll be ready to shut down. And if I reboot, it’s never pretty. After each reboot I lose a piece of me.
I wish I could see a percentage bar, to be able to tell how much longer until I finally crack.
Holy fuck, where to start.
Today was weird. I just kind of went with it. I didn’t imagine that anything like today would happen ever again. You’re so much different than the last time. Each time I see you, you change a little bi more. You’re, different.
I can feel the positivity burst from you. Holy shit, overwhelming. We barely spoke but It wasn’t needed. We caught up with each other today. I hope that I don’t affect anything for you again. But I can’t promise something that I don’t know if I can keep.
You look a lot better than before, healthier. You present yourself totally different. But you’re still the same person I knew. I’m happy for you. I’m glad you’re happyier.
As for me Jordan, nothing has changed, only worse over time. I’m more dedtructive than ever. It’s become a second instinct, natural, now. I’m not happy and I’m sure you could see that. But what’s new?
Sitting next to you was like a bad dream. Icouldn’t grasp it today that you were there. Were you there? Or was it just my imagination? Was I dreaming again?
Remember how I struggle with reality Jordan? How I don’t know the difference between life and death? Am I alive or in Hell? I can’t tell. I still struggle with this every day. Nothing has changed, everything stayed the same.
Jordan, every single day almost has been a struggle. It’s getting worse. I’m scared. Feeling like there is absolutely nothing I can do to change it, or anything. I’m trapped in a steel box. I’m slipping Jordan, I have been for a long time.
I’m glad I got to see you again, even if it abruptly stops over time. Or even tomorrow. I would be ok with that. Because I got to see you again. I saw you at your best today. The happiest I’ve ever seen you. In my mind, that’s all that mattered today.
Look, I don’t believe I have a lot of time left. That’s been set in my mind for months. I’m 1000 leagues deep, and no one can save me but myself. Ive came to realize that while you have been gone. Frankly Jordan, I don’t want to save myself. Waiting to settle on the ocean floor like sediments. That will be my day. And when my day comes I won’t let you know. I will mail you a letter I wrote a long time ago, only updating as time passes. That’s how you’ll know. And when that day comes, don’t let it get you down. Move on, and go forth with your life. Continue doing what you are now. But I want you to say a final good bye when that days comes. How ever you seem fitting. That’s all I want from you nothing more, nothing less.
For now let’s just ride the current. What ever happens, happens. I will fill you in from time to time, keep you up to date, you know. Otherwise If you want to know my struggles, you’ll find me here. And don’t worry, this time I’m not dragging you down with me. It’s your turn to shine.
Could you tell today? Did you feel anything? What was it like for you Jordan?
Anyways, Jordan, I missed you. But now I’m afraid that when you come to see what I’ve become that it will drive you away. So I’m sorry for who I am. I hope you can still understand. If not, well thats fine by me. Because all I want is for you to be happy.
Jordan, you know exactly what I mean.
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