It’s been months since I’ve had a drink and more than a year since I got off of morphine, but I need something now. Something stronger than the half bottle of whiskey I’ve got in the garage.
Say what you will, but self medication works better than anything else I’ve tried.
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Has something happened to trigger the need for something right now?
Probably. A lot of shit all happened in a less than a 24 hour window, plus my depression gets worse further into the year anyway.
I don’t know, life just sucks.
Need to talk it out?
I doubt it’d help at all, but I can fill you in if you want to kill some time.
Yes please.
Some of the big things directly effecting me are that my depression has gotten worse, and the paranoia and anxiety from my PTSD is making it impossible to go anywhere. My nightmares reliving the years of abuse from my dad are back, and I don’t even need to be asleep to start reliving them. The girl I’ve wasted the past few months on just told me a couple of hours ago that she was just screwing with me. The nerve damage throughout my body is firing pain signals non stop. The fucking VA is refusing to let me use my benefits so I can afford school. I just went in to get some blood work done to make sure I’m not about to suffocate because of how few red blood cells I have, but I won’t get the results for another week. And on top of that, I’ve been promised a good paying job that I will be disqualified for based on any of the non-girl related things I just mentioned.
Wow that’s alot to have deal with. That is appalling that this girl would say she was screwing you around. Do you know her in real life or from online?
Real life. She did it once already, then apologized like crazy a week later, saying that she just panicked because we were moving too fast. And I was stupid enough to listen to her.
I am assuming you are getting help for the depression etc. Do the drs know it is worse?
Hell no, I’ve never had any improvement from talking to a shrink, and I haven’t had an antidepressant that didn’t make things drastically worse.
I am so sorry that girl screwed you over twice. But please don’t let her ruin your months of sobriety. She isn’t worth that.
Eh, I’d probably be giving up sobriety anyways, with everything else going on.
How many anti depressants have you tried? And how long ago? I ask because there are better ones than what was offered a few years ago. Maybe now there is something to help you. As for talking, perhaps a different shrink? Takes awhile sometimes to find one you can really open up to.
Whatever the big three were a couple of years ago. And I doubt it, I’ve had to see shrinks on and off my entire life and not once has there been any improvement.
Hugs. There is a sliver of possibility though? I just want you to find hope and happiness. And to live a long time…cause you want to.
Honestly, I’d rather just be done. I can’t get a gun here since I’ve been diagnosed with depression, but I’ve got a crossbow, so really I just need to get the strength together to crawl out into the woods and just be done.
That brought tears to my eyes. I hope you find reasons to stay before you find the strength to go.
If you ever want to chat via email its my username at hot mail c om
Thanks, but I think killing my liver will keep me going a bit longer.
And what courses did you want to take at school?
I was a history major, with my goal being to teach it eventually. But I haven’t even finished general ed before the VA started pulling the same shit they always do.
Is it possible to contact the school directly and ask abt options? When I went to mine the finicial aid worker said there is lots of bursarys and other help that people just never seem to know about. She said thousands of dollars just sit there year after year unused cause the information just isn’t known. Perhaps the school you want to go to, or even others as a second and third choice, might be able to help.
Unfortunately, the community college I’m going to now is still in the stone age. I couldn’t even apply for financial aid this semester because all of their computers were busted…for an entire semester.
What about taking the courses online? Almost all the major ones now offer that to some degree. I took courses that way for awhile. It was awesome.
I can normally do that, and I’ve had luck so far. I’m taking a psych class online this semester, but even though it opens up my schedule more, I can’t even work a part time job right, since I’m still fighting with JCPenny to fix my knee so I can walk again.
Still fighting with jcpenny?
My left knee got completely destroyed two years ago, and they still aren’t paying for it.
Why would jcpenny pay for it? What happened?
I was working for them when a freak accident happened. I even told my boss I’d get injured doing what she asked, but she told me to do it or get fired. And I dislocated my knee cap, tore my meniscus and completely destroyed all the nerves in my leg bellow the knee.
Sorry to hear that. Hopefully the law is on your side and they will be forced to pay at some point.
I just need to get a good lawyer and take every penny I can from the company. From what I know, apparently I can get a lot of extra cash for “emotional distress,” caused by the injury and long delay for the surgery.
majesticwalrus,
“self medication works better than anything else I’ve tried” yes it does! it is what gets me through but it caches up with you if you do it everyday, i’m doing it right now, my body really is hurting, my back, my chest, i’m taking pills for pain, drinking vodka, smoking cigs one after another, now i’m in worst shape, everyday i’m thinking call 911! 🙂 i”m trying to cut back now. it’s helps but is not a cure, never stop looking for a cure.
I don’t think there is or ever will be an actual cure, to be honest.
majesticwalrus,
probably not! like old age you can’t reverse it! but OK here’s something of what i’m talking about i did this last night, my back is killing me, my chest is killing me, so like i said pills vodka i can’t sleep tost and turned for hours blah blah! so last night i took a very hot shower for like 20 min right on my back, just stood there, till the water was almost gone, i went to bed and wah lah no pain, chest felt good and i slept like a baby, so you see i found something that helped not a cure but i didn’t have to drink myself to sleep, a break from the pills and alcohol.
I do the same thing, it helps me feel like I’m actually getting air into my lungs, but I still take hours and assistance from something else to actually fall asleep.
theWhispersOfMySins:
just wanted to say hi, i don’t see a post from you. have a good day.
Hi rocketman 🙂 I don’t post often. How are you today?
theWhispersOfMySins,
well i’m not the happy rocket guy lately, but i’ll survive, going to go back to bed, and rest a few hours, i’ll be fine i hope? i think i over did it the last couple months, time for a break, i was told i have severe arthritis in my back, i didn’t know that and now i feel it i think? or i just over did it pulling weeds a week ago! i not sure? we will see.
Sorry to hear about the arthritis diagnosis. But happy to see you say you’ll survive.
Majesticwalrus… how are things today?
The same, I just need money so I can afford to self medicate again.