Happy Xmas

2015 wasn’t an easy year for me.  I didn’t attempt to kill myself but the thoughts at times to do so, were relentless.  Last couple of months I’ve been doing group therapy for the first time since I was a teenager, with people that share my particular label which is borderline personality disorder.  It feels good to be around people who are in the same boat.  It has helped me feel less alone.  I’m having to use my annual leave at work, to attend the appointments, which is a bit rough, because normally I’d use my annual leave as ‘sick days’ or as a day to reboot my system back to normality.  Work has been gunning for me on the sickness front in 2015, which was a horror show and made my anxiety levels sky rocket.  They are now pointing to my sickness as a ‘capability’ issue.  This has never happened to me in working career before, and I’ve worked almost 20 years.

I am not sure what 2016 will have in store for me, but I am determined to fight for what’s mine in the life that I have.  That means staying employed and trying to change things so that I don’t remain quite so messed up.

I’m eternally blessed by my close friends, my chosen family and my blood family, even though at times I struggle to appreciate this.  I didn’t make it easy for people to get close to me in 2015, and that’s something I must try to change in 2016, even though to me that’s one hell of a risk.

For those looking at or logging onto this site to post today, I wish you all a better year in 2016.

Please don’t let the suicide demons seduce you into thinking that death is something better than life.

Try not to do what I tend to instinctively do when in pain, which is to push loved ones away.

The lack of company in desperate times can seem like a comfort, but it can be incredibly dangerous.

There are angels out there in human form, and you are less likely to find them sticking to your own company.

Most pain is temporary and not a forever thing.

I say that but even though I struggle hard to believe it.

We must try to believe it.