I find my self not caring even more every day. What’s the point?
I don’t have any friends anymore . I’m practically alone . And at first I was scared but now I’m fine. I feel awkward being in public . I’m still really social , I just feel like people are judging me .
I find enjoyment in going on dates with other men. This is my secret . I done this so many times. i get to feel like the spotlight is on me for 3 seconds . But in the end none of these men make me happy . I don’t feel the need to explain my life to them. But I get happiness out of the fact that someone is paying attention to me.
I wish I could wake up and be excited to learn in class or excited to eat my sandwhich, or go to the beach. I’d honestly rather sleep. Or drink a glass of wine .
When I think of my future i get excited , over the fact that I can have materialistic things. A brand new car, new house , etc. but I know deep down even with those things I’ll still hate my life. & ive accepted it.
I don’t talk anymore. Sometimes I don’t even think. But today ive been thinking a lot.
I say I don’t care but I do somewhat . I want someone in my life . Preferably someone who is depressed. I want someone to understand me .
i thought I loved my last boyfriend . He told me he fell in love with me because of how strong I’ve been . But he didn’t actually understand. There wasn’t that real connection.
i need someone who really knows. I think this is why I feel alone even when I’m around people . They don’t really know.
i have this peaceful life in mind . But I’m not sure that that will ever be. & so I go on not caring .
2 comments
Heyy!!
You dont need some1 depressed, you need to get better, you need to get someone who understand you, understands you pain.
Well im sure that you can have plennaty of opportunites to date a man, but yes without a real friendship first its hard to get a man that worries about how deep you are.
Im happy for you, u can get exited with matérial things its already something, i wish i could do same.
You have this community that understands you, its something already.
All i can give to you is support, chat.. Depressed to depressed lol.
Maybe you just need to buy better sandwiches. But no, seriously… i get the judging part. At times i go around my clothes like 20 times before going out for just a walk, just because whenever i’m going somewhere i feel like i’m being watched/judged (even if i know that i don’t).
The attention thing is completely understandable as well, most people need attention, specially if they feel alone and “foreign” to everything around them. I’m not so sure that the answer is looking for superficial attention, but if it helps you it can’t be all that bad. That said, i don’t know if a depressed individual would click or make that connection that you’re looking for, maybe someone that just gets it or accepts it as part of you, but not specifically someone depressed, just someone special (to you) and understanding, that fulfills that need for connection.
I think that you can still get that peaceful life that you talk about. Circumstances change, people do too. Maybe in a couple of years you’ll want another kind of life, or maybe you’d have found that connection that you’re seeking. You’ll never know until you’re there. All i can say about that is that it’s not that bad not to care, but don’t lose yourself in that process. Otherwise, when whatever you’re looking for appears, you might just miss it because of the apathy (been there, a gazillion times), but hey, hopefully that won’t happen. Oh and sorry for the long rambling, lol.