Is it bad that nowadays I find myself not caring about absolutely anything? I don’t have any drive or motivation in my life, and it seems sometimes like things which used to interest me, now cease to exist in my daily life whatsoever. This all began at the beginning of this year (I’m currently a Sophomore in high school). 15 year old me wanted to fit in, be accepted into a certain clique, hang out with new people, do well on my exams, study hard, and to generally just view the world from a whole new perspective for once in my life. Before this year, I had essentially just been known as “that kid that nobody knows.” For some godforsaken reason still unknown to me to this day, I desired things I hadn’t had before. Popularity, good looks, etc. etc. Well, fast forward two terms into Sophomore year, 15 year old me hasn’t a single care in the world. 15 year old me not only has no interest in school, he also doesn’t care about his failing grades in most classes, his social awkwardness, his overall well-being. He doesn’t care that outside of school, his family lies in a state of turmoil, broken apart by relatives who’d rather fight over who controls his dying grandfather’s will than something worthwhile, like supporting their own families per se. I really don’t know what the turning point for me was, whether it be just a lack of interest in school, or having my heart torn into shreds by the first person I was able to say those three wretched words too. Whether it was the unfathomable feeling of loneliness that flowed over my entire person, or the loss of my one true raison d’être, no matter the case I no longer care for anyone or anything. There are times where I should be happy or I should feel sadness, but instead I feel only emptiness, and a longing for something more, something worthwhile to make me feel said emotions just like back before my “mid-school crisis.” I don’t believe i’m depressed, but it’s obvious even to my naive self that something is quite peculiar about myself, not even I can begin to decipher what life has in store for a tortured soul like me any longer. And just to point this out: The only time I even slightly experience the feelings of true happiness are my infrequent meetings with my “friends” at the mall on weekends. While walking and interacting with them, I seem to bear a small, but noticeable smile, and I believe it’s genuine happiness, rather than myself creating fake emotions to cope with the situation i’m presented in. Anyways, sorry for my moronic ramblings, as an AP Literature student I find myself always bugging myself with the question “Did I write enough?” which is why this post will be all over the place. If you’ve actually gotten this far and taken the time out of your days/nights to read this, I hope at least in some way you can relate to me, whether it be things you’re currently going through, or past experiences. As a final question I would like to pose, let me just ask you this: Is it wrong of me to not feel anything? Is this a mere phase in my teenage adolescence, or has something unbeknownst to even me happened? I’d just like some general opinions, not looking for anything too complex or creative. Once again, thanks for listening (whomever has read my article).
Sincerely, Hunter
13 comments
It’s quite foolish to me that a lot of the actually well-written and developed posts on here receive the least acknowledgement by this community. However, I see posts like “Fuck this shit. I’m done with life.” Getting dozens-upon-dozens of replies. I apologize if my post isn’t initially attention grabbing because i’m not necessarily seeking attention in any way whatsoever.
Actually it has to do most with the fact that people tend to reply at pretty random hours, everyone has a different schedule, and you get people from all around the world (and it adds up to the random hours factor). Don’t take as anything personal, because honestly, it’s not.
I do have to point out tho (and i’m going to sound like an asshole here) that it was kind of difficult to read your post since you use no spacing whatsoever, but i did read it all. That said… well, i don’t know if it’s “normal” to feel empty at your teenage years, but i sure had my share of it… and honestly? it never went away. I too started to feign emotions (mostly in order to fit), and i find myself doing it constantly (i’m 33 now), so i don’t think it’s rare, but … well, define normal, lol. If anything, i’m pretty sure many in here will relate to the emptiness.
I might be wrong here but… well, what you describe does sort of sound like depression, even if you brush it off as not being it (maybe early stages). The fact that your expectations were crushed surely played a big factor in that, but… hey, rarely we get what we want in life (sad but true), been there more times than i can remember.
As for not caring about anything at all and not finding a reason to it all… well, that’s a recurrent theme around here. The “general” answer that everyone tends to gravitate to, is: there’s no other sense than the one you give to life. If i’m honest tho, at your age i didn’t care about anything either, other than playing videogames and drawing (and i could argue that those were just distractions). You might find that motivation again in time, but you have to allow yourself to “let it in”, so to speak.
In any case… well, i’ll stop because this is starting to get really long heh. I do hope you find something that motivates you again.
As I stated, I have never had a knack for writing long, well-developed passages. Thank you for taking the time to read the entire thing though, it’s greatly appreciated. And you might be correct in saying it’s the early stages of depression, I suppose only time will tell.
Also, it’s quite funny that you mention that as I do play videogames and draw quite a lot. Glad you can relate to that.
Cheers mate, i’ll keep trying to find something in this life to help me start giving a shit.
I read your entire post. I don’t understand why you posted that first comment. Many of us come on here and start reading in reverse order all the comments and posts from the oldest to the newest. So naturally your post was last in my queue.
Think of this site like the ocean, it has tides that wax and wane. Sometimes the crowd is exhausted and silly hence the stupid ass postings like fuck this shit and what’s your latest obsession, it is a way of blowing off steam. Other nights it gets so deep I can’t breath. Also, like Mf stated there are a lot of people from all over the world that come and go. There are also a lot of people that only read postings because that is all they can bear to do or are capable of doing in their present circumstances. I post sill and serious things not only for people to comment on but for these lost souls that can’t bare to post but need encouragement or just something to get them through the day/night or next hour without killing themselves.
As for you not feeling, I went through a lot of periods like that when I was in my teens. There were times I was numb and if you are going through some serious family things, which it sounds like you are due to your grandfather and idiot relatives acting like horses asses over his will, then it may do you some good to talk to your school counselor. Feeling numb is a way the mind and heart protects itself from reality, sometimes a reality that you many not be ready to deal with. I totally understand.
Keep posting. Don’t get down if you don’t get blown up with a lot of replies, trust me sometimes that is a very good thing. Remember there are people here reading what you write even if they can’t bear to post a reply and what you write might get them through the next hour.
Welcome!
HDS
Thanks for letting me know there are people out there who actually care HDS, it means a lot. Sorry if my comment made me seem like an imbecile, I apologize. I’ve tried the counselor, but she seems intent on only spreading my problems onto more & more people (as in getting the principle involved, parents, etc. etc.) I’ll keep working through this, no worries Hazy. Thanks for the advice.
Here have a Chopin Nocturne: www. youtube. com/watch?v=5ZUw78FXpG4 Just be sure to remove the spaces I put in there so the comment wouldn’t go into moderation.
Nocturnes are like really good avacados, they are fatty and smooth and creamy. This on is one of my favorite.
Thank you Hazy, I do quite enjoy my fair share of classical music. It relaxes me in my experiences. I’ll check it out!
I like your well written posts. Well this one I read and Im about to read more. I try not to curse in general or in writing. Thank you for writing so well.
Ohh. This is the only one
Yes, I only recently just joined the site, but you can expect more posts like this one from me in the future. Thanks for your kind words!
@legit. I just joined too. And i need this place and the ppl. They Are so helpful. I feel smarter just reading your stuff. I hope you feel better soon. Although when ppl said that to me when i was really hurting it didnt help
But i hope it does
Hey mate!
Yeh i’ve read it. Well i cannot relate to you, but i can let you know that its true, theres always someone around here for you.
But sometimes i ask to myself, what’s worst, to feel nothing or to feel pain every new single day?
Thats good question i guess.
Keep us posted.
Hey LegitRiot35,
Just read your post and first thing I’d like to say it is that I really enjoyed your writing and the depth you seem to look at the world with at this age. I don’t think I was half as aware as you when I was 15-16.
In terms of going through a period of not caring, I went through a similar phase (a little more like depression) when I was your age, mostly because of the fact that I was the awkward kid as well, and didn’t have many friends and was crushed by the girl I opened up to as well. What happened with me was that from that point on, I made a wow to myself to correct whatever is wrong with me. After about 10 long years, and many trial and errors, I did in fact find a scientific system that helped me “cure” my social awkwardness. I became a much more social person, started a business, became almost very successful, had girls actually start digging me.
Fast forward to today, I was unfortunately struck by a health problem 2.5 years ago as everything in my life was going perfect which left me in unbearable chronic pain. Unfortunately not a good place to be at.
Anyways, here’s what I see. If you were able to get rid of your social awkwardness, be more at ease in social situations, that would open up the way for you to lead others instead of trying to fit into their also-awkward-anyways ways. This ease would allow you to go after what you want instead of avoiding life and watching it from the sidelines, which would cure any depression and sense of emptiness you have. Depression and things of that nature are usually results rather than the real causes of problems. You get depressed because you are stuck without much choice and you don’t know how to get out of the rut and towards what you desire in life.
If you’d like help with your situation, I would be happy to chat, teach you about the system I mentioned, and help you move towards what you want. I know it would have been a game changer for me if I knew back then what I know now.
And as for why I want to help, the reason is because my situation is a pretty helpless and unbearable one as of now and there doesn’t really seem to be much hope of getting better. I might end up taking my own life as well, if there isn’t a miracle and I ‘m cured. That’s why, after coming to this site and noticing that there are many people here I can be of help, I decided to take the plunge and do something good with my life in what time I have remaining. If I can help change the life of a couple of people, that’d be very fulfilling for me.
Thanks again for sharing and I wish you the best,
Aaron