It’s been a week since I decided to tidy up my life and then leave.
its been a mixed week since. Stress like hell at work, but at least no conflict. A few nice thing like a dinner with my best friends, a Christmas dinner with my work colleagues ( who are all really nice), a beautiful moment with my son. I’ve got a gorgeous little pet parrot, and she’s very affectionate, and just about jumps out of her skin with excitement and joy when I come home from work
Yet the the pain does not relent. Even when I was with my lovely friends, I was like under a glass dome, happiness could not penetrate. I find some reprieve when I’m out with people, like at the work do last night, but as soon as I’m on my own, the pain is back.
I saw my psychologist, and I am trying to implement her advice, so yes, at this stage at I’m fighting back, a little bit at least.
Still, nothing has changed fundamentally. The plan stands, just with a “probably” at the end, not a “definitely”. Last weekend I sorted out my paperwork and my finances, this week it’s cleaning up as much as I can in my house. I’ll also wait until my next appointment with my psych, which won’t be until early Feb because she’s on holiday. If I am even half serious about fighting back, that’s the least I need to do for the sake of those who I’ll leave behind.
You’re a great bunch on SP, the support you give to each other is fantastic.
4 comments
@soverytired: There is such optimism in the word “probably”. People think it means most likely or most definitely, but really it doesn’t, not to me. There is a lot of doubt in the word “probably”. In my mind probably means no.
True story, it is no secret I was raised by a mentally ill woman who was so self consumed it is any wonder I made it to 16, let alone 47. Probably was her code word for no. When I heard that I knew that she was just having a little show for whoever was listening but the real answer was no. No it isn’t going to happen, not for Hazy, never for her, but I need to have a good show for the guests, so probably.
So I saw you state “probably” and thought, “ah her answer is No, that is so wonderful”.
I am hoping in my heart that your probably means what my mother meant long ago.
Not sure it does, but thanks for sharing that story. “Probably” for me means ”hopefully not for the sake of those who love me’ but at the same time: ‘hopefully yes, because without the exit door in sight, I just cannot bear the pain’. Does that make sense. The wish to die is 100% genuine as far as just myself is concerned, but much more ambivalent when taking those around me, especially my sons, into account.
That being said, I’ve had recurring and extremely severe depression for over 35 years now, on and off. When I had children, I promised them, before they were born, that I would never kill myself. It was the hardest promise imaginable to keep. In the recent years I checked myself into a psychiatric facility seven times, spending a grand total of five month in there, when i really couldn’t t guarantee my safety anymore.
Now the boys are all grown up, 20 and 22, and while they still live at home, they are very independent. I’ve kept my promise – especially when their father deserted us, and I was the only family they had. My thoughts are that now my need to stay alive for them is a little bit less absolute, stiill really really important , but not unshakeably absolute.
Hazy, I love all your comments, you are a beautiful soul. So thanks for your encouraging words. But no, my probably is not the same as your mother’s. I never use it to seek attention, my family knows nothing about this, nor anybody IRL. The only reason I am sharing this on SP is because there is nowhere IRL where you can do that without carp triggering an intervention. And obviously, if I’m serious, than that’s not what I want, or, if I’d, then on my own terms. And sharing it relieves some of the pressure, paradoxically eases some of the pain.
Wishing you a peaceful day, or night, depending on where you live x
Yes I understand. More than you know. No one IRL knows the extent of what kind of shape I’m in. Which is why I love this site. I can just open up the crazy and let it flow. I understand what you have posted so very well. And you are such a better woman than my mother, if you probably means what it should, which is, almost yes.
I support your need to escape the pain you are in. I will be here to keep you company up to the time you decide to leave, either because it is time for you to leave this earth, or because it is time to leave this forum. I with you peace as well.
Thanks, that means a lot to me!!!