It’s impossible to explain the feeling of wanting to be at peace and that the only way your mind offers you the opportunity to obtain that peace is in death. It’s an unfamiliar feeling that’s become far too familiar, visits far too frequently and leaves you feeling far from your rational chain of thought. You don’t want to die, you don’t want to hurt those that you love and those that love you yet you can’t find the resolve within you to carry on. Each day is as painful, if not more so than the next. Regularly visiting the aquatic depths of depression that you never knew existed until you were cast into it, struggling to breath and held down by the weight of your own misery.
The future looks bleak, black and full of uncertainty, the thought of your family having to survive the aftermath of your demise is accompanied by a crippling fear and uncontrollable tears. You don’t want to hurt anyone, especially those who mean more to you than words could ever justify yet you no longer wish to hurt. It’s an urge, one which fills you with dread wishing that you could sleep without awakening the next day in bed. It would be easier for all concerned if natural causes could lend a hand rather than having to die reluctantly and unwillingly by your own.
The feeling of immeasurable shame and guilt that comes with the very idea of leaving your family to suffer the consequences of a momentary lapse in your better judgement, to be absent for the rest of their lives when you want nothing more than to be present in the present enjoying their very presence. You truly feel that for them your presence has become burdensome and more of an inconvenience than a privileged moment shared.
There are people who think suicide is selfish. It can only be deemed to be a selfish act providing the individual committing it is doing so because they care more about ending their own pain than inflicting it upon others without regret and they are of sound mind. The truth is that those unfortunate enough to take their own life are not of sound mind and feel that in fact it’s not a choice at all. It’s the desperate act of someone who ultimately is without hope for reasons which will undoubtedly vary from one individual to another.
If we were all to experience a life without hope while suffering unspeakable pain regardless of its origin then surely we would all sadly suffer a fate not too dissimilar.
If God is as forgiving as merciful and as just as we believe him to be then I pray that through his grace the souls that were unnecessarily and unwillingly lost in life will be judged fairly and subsequently saved from enduring any additional unending, undeserving pain and anguish.
4 comments
It’s very easy to become overwhelmed with feelings of guilt or shame when thinking of taking your own life, but its not your fault that you feel like this. From the way you worded your post its clear that you’re a smart person and sometimes the most intelligent people we know are the saddest because we over think things. It might seem hard now but thinking about things less and just going about doing stuff will make you a lot happier.
Wow, this post really hit me without realising
?you don’t have to try to explain how it feels we all know.
I’ve always viewed suicide as a selfish act, even though I’ve been suicidal myself.
I’m probably biased, though.
My mother killed herself in front of me when I was 4, and her suicide note was five pages of blame and “Are you happy now?”
It has caused nothing but grief and pain to my family.
I’d consider that selfish.
Your post was very well written and I respect your point but I do believe that, under certain circumstances, suicide can be very selfish.