I can’t exactly say why I even write this, I guess I want to share my story to some extent to perhaps serve someone, in some way, sometime.
Tonight will be my seventh attempt in two weeks. My ninth total for the year. It’s not that I backed out of prior attempts, they had just not worked for the most uncanny reasons. I’ve learnt my body is extraordinary strong and resilient. I am a professional fitness person which I’m sure influences this but nonetheless tonight will be it.
I have no desire to self harm, I actually want the exact opposite the cessation of pain. My life holds next to no happy memories. I had drastically made life changes several times in my life the most recent being just inside two years ago. I was back for a short period in my birth country and was planning to head overseas to chase my passions in sports and fitness, I had contacts, spent time building the platform and it was just a matter of time.
Then I met the love of my life. The type of love where we laid awake for hours gazing into each other’s eyes with no words needed. Inseparable and wanting each other’s company like a drug. She is my world. For a host of reasons and cruel synchronisities both our lives traumatic experiences had shaped and twisted us to not handle each other well at bad times.
I’ve lived all kinds of abuse since I can remember from three years old. Parents who never saw or righted their wrongs not only abused each other but openly did so to me. I saw a work ethic unmatched in my father and a burning will to never quit in my mother creating a machine of negativity which shaped me. Hence the abused becomes the abuser
I would cry and break down horrified by my actions. Always regretting not handling things better. And she had her own troubles, her own history of abuse, and a bipolar personality made her reactions at times so devastating to me it would create so me anguish. Yet our love for each other pushed through, and we achieved so much in such a short time. We built an awesome business, had our home, I achieved much sporting success and we had a baby boy. My heaven was finally here. But I ruined it. I couldn’t grind out the abusive blood and now they’re gone. There is no forgiveness for me this time there is no moving on. I can never see them for sometime to come
It would take much detail to piece this story together but I cannot take the pain. I long ago reached my limit and have been hacked ever since. Tonight it will be final. I lost my world and failed. There’s no solace in that.
My message to anyone who listens
Don’t ever do something you can regret later.. If you have a beautiful thing then for the love of whatever it is you believe in, cherish it, give it your attention and don’t ever have a bad day, you’ll never know when you may lose it.
I’ll be online for a few hours if anyone wishes to chat or expand on this. To be clear this is not reaching out or needing help, I don’t want what I know and have learnt to go to waste. To take your life is a decision that takes incredible will and an even more incredible desire to leave. People need to understand sometimes it IS the better option
6 comments
You say you can’t see them for sometime to come. How long? And how long has it been?
Been weeks, my son is newborn and I would spend as much time as I could, he was one of a few things that brought me peace along with my partner. I have no idea when I would be able to, she wants nothing to do with me as does everyone else. Everything I touch I poison.
Legal rights?
Hell man, i suoer agree with your advice, the thing is that it does not apply to me anymore, i failed already.
I thought you we re good, im sorry to hear that, it sucks. Hope you can hold a bit more.
Anyways hope that you find peace no matter how or where.
Torment –
Are you still there? I just hope you are.
Because I want to tell you that you are not alone. We all make mistakes, and big ones sometimes..!
But the truth is that the human nature can be very surprising, and with the right actions and the necessary healing time, it can also be forgiving.
You have a son now. You have a new reason to believe in you. For him.
Okay, maybe you have lost his mommy, at least for now. TRUST me, I have seen this before, and one of those instances was first hand: my two older brothers were the same age almost, only three months apart. My parents were married when my dad was still screwing around, and he got both my mom and his fling pregnant.
When the ladies found out about each other, they left him.
It took him almost their entire pregnancy to get his act together until eventually, for my brother’s sake, my mother took him back.
As for my other brother, he didn’t get to see him often, even with my mom coming to terms with that and always pushing him to stay in touch with his mom and the baby.
Eventually this lady married and had another son.
YEARS went by until my half brother came back into the picture.
Imagine, I was already 9 and had also an older sister.
My half brother and my dad reconciled and we became a larger family.
With time, both my older brothers, my sister, and I had families of our own.
My sister moved far from home, I went overseas, then relocated permanently to a different country, my half brother did the same. So only my older brother stayed, wife and children included.
We are all from a country that suffered a war, awful economy, a very high unemployment rate, delinquency… so we all had traumas, a semi-rough upbringing due to the conflict, etc.
At one point, my brother attempted suicide but EMS were able to bring him back. And he did well. He stuck it up for him and for his family, our parents, now of age, included.
Unfortunately, he died a few years later, of natural causes.
Guess who moved back to live closer to my parents? Yup, my half brother. And he brought a family that my parents barely knew so it was fun rediscovering and strengthening those ties.
Also, my brother left a 3 yo. son, so my folks had enough in their minds to stay busy.
You see, my dad neglected my half brother for years. It wasn’t my brother’s fault to be an out of marriage child. But in the end, things can really turn around for the better.
Your sin is YOUR opportunity to right your wrongs. Think about him, not just you, let’s play it that way.
Remember, if you try fixing or re-touching wet paint, you end up smearing it. Let dry, let its fumes dissipate. Once dry, you have another opportunity to paint a whole new layer over it, and the best thing is, you can choose a bright new color.
I really hope you re-consider. Give EVERYBODY their fair time to heal, and that includes YOU. Remember, you can’t heal others while you’re wounded.
Reply if you’re there, ok? or don’t, but think things over. Your baby deserves it, and so do you.
I am HERE4UOK
*I meant “Your SON is your opportunity to right your wrongs”. 😉