I’m new to this forum, so I don’t know how taboo this topic is. But my situation is as the title says — I’m in serious danger of going through with it because of the shame and pain I feel over never having been in a relationship or having sex. I’m at the point where I’m preparing a suicide note. My whole life, I’ve (probably?) dealt with depression in one form or another. I’ve been depressed over doing poorly in school, being bullied, not having friends — the list goes on. But, all those problems ended up being solveable.
Not this one, though. I have lost hope that I’m ever going to experience any kind of sexual relationship, and it’s painful in so many ways. It’s humiliating to see everyone else in my life have this when I don’t, and to have to rake through myself asking why I’m so unattractive and why it’s so unacceptable for me in particular to have feelings for girls. It’s like I’m stuck in the closet, but I can’t ever actually come out, because I’m straight. It’s also so, so shameful to be so hurt by something so stupid and illegitimate as a reason to be suicidal. But that also might be the most sinister thing about it.
I think there’s hardly anyone our culture reviles more than men who are depressed because they can’t find relationships. People take male loneliness more seriously these days, but the respectability of it ends at lacking friendships. If you’re hurting because you’re a virgin, then you’re an incel, the most disgusting creature on the planet.
People way that sex isn’t a big deal, and that it won’t change who you are. I think their own stories disprove this. People are always like, “once I finally lost my virginity, I realized it wasn’t such a big issue after all”. But that’s the entire point — once it finally happens, that’s when you become capable of recognizing that it’s not something that defines life. It won’t make you suddenly become more confident or charismatic, but it can take away the shame. And even that effect sounds orders of magnitude less transformative than what having a good, loving first relationship must be like.
If somehow I ever could have one of those experiences, I wouldn’t expect it to solve all my problems. But I believe wholeheartedly it’s necessary to solve my problems. It’s like, all my life I’ve been crushed under the weight of all these burdens. Virginity/relationship virginity hasn’t always been the heaviest, but it’s the only one that I can’t overcome. Sure, there’s other unrelated things about my life I’d also like changed, but while I’m still burdened by this, I’ll never be free. At this point, I’m not really interested in a life crushed by this burden, even if I were to break the other ones.
Anything else I might feel depressed about (not that I’ve ever received a formal diagnosis or treatment for depression, I’m using it colloquially there), I could talk to people about. I’m blessed and also cursed with at least a few friends/family that genuinely care about me. But not this. I could not stand becoming an incel in there or the world’s eyes, so I can’t talk about it. I’d rather die while I still have some dignity. Worse, I realize that harboring these feelings makes you less attractive to girls, so it’s a catch-22. In the end, it seems I’m destined to end my life and hurt these people who care about me over something I can’t tell them about.
I’m not really sure what the point of this post is. Maybe it’s a sort of suicide letter? I still have more writing to do on my actual letter, so I have at least a little more time to live. But, yeah — I so, so hate that everything in my life is going to come down to this. But even as young as I am, I’ve lost hope that it can ever be resolved. Maybe I’m just ugly and my friends lie to me about it. Maybe there’s something fundamentally unattractive about my personality. Maybe it’s a lack of flirting skills or whatever I seem to be incapable of developing. Maybe it’s the depression leaking off of me. I will never know for sure. What I do know is that there’s something horribly wrong with me that has put me in this situation, and literally the only thing I can do to end the pain would be to end my life. If you got this far, thank you for reading, and I’d love to hear your thoughts — I guess I’m still searching for an answer I don’t really believe is out there, but who knows