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Waste of life

by creep25

When I was younger my life was crap and yet despite all that was happening to me, rape, beatings, abandonment, homelessness, foster care I still had this idea that my future would be better. I still somehow believed that if I could just hold on long enough, try my hardest then one day things would fall into place. Twenty six years later and I have run out of that hope. I cry myself to sleep all the time, I cant find a job, I have no freedom at home, no money, I only ever get used in romantic “relationships”. Ive never had a boyfriend. I don’t know how it feels like to truly be loved and I know I never will. I am in every way a failure. I wish and pray constantly for death but it never comes. The only relief I have is in sleep but I always end up waking up angry and disappointed because it means living another day. I cant even kill myself because I’m too much of a coward and don’t want to hurt anyone. Every time I hear about people dying in car crashes, or getting shot by a stray bullet or their heart suddenly giving out I get so angry. I think to myself why is it that the people who want to live die and the people who want death more than anything else are forced to live in misery for years to come? Sometimes I think maybe I deserve it, that i’m a worthless piece of shit and everyone else can see it, that I must have done something terrible in the past to make my life this way and other times I think that maybe i’m cursed and there is nothing I can do to get out of it no matter how I feel about myself or try to do right. I feel like i’m suffocating. I’m trapped with nowhere to go, a rat running on a wheel that will never go anywhere. I want to die but cant kill myself, I want a better life but nothing I do has helped me in all the years ive tried. I wish with every fiber of my being that my mother had aborted me because I truly am a waste of life.

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bah 1/20/2016 - 8:53 pm

Heh, you sound like me. I don’t have any advice for you, only that I understand exactly what you mean, on several different points.

bah 1/20/2016 - 9:11 pm

I felt all that you wrote above when I was in my mid-20s. Now I’m mid-30s and the only things that have changed is that I’ve become older, more angry and more bitter. Oh, and what little hope I had that things might improve, has now officially died. 🙁

creep25 1/20/2016 - 9:36 pm

I’m not too far from where you are. I doubt anything in my life will ever change by the time i’m 30.

deadmanliving 1/20/2016 - 9:04 pm

I understand how you feel on a lot of points. Im sending a hug. I wish i could do more.

ToTrees 1/20/2016 - 9:11 pm

I too understand you.
Sometimes I look out the window and think. Like this is my Hell. It’s not that I can’t, won’t, or didn’t die. I did and now I’m being punished, or am in a coma nightmare, or like the Trumann Show

If I try to be happy?/??

Why save a life you don’t want!!

creep25 1/20/2016 - 9:35 pm

That’s exactly how I feel. I keep thinking that maybe this is why nothing I try will ever out for me because i’m being punished for some past crime I cant remember and this is just how its always going to be.

Hazy Day Sunflower 1/21/2016 - 7:42 am

More like an anti Truman show.

ToTrees 1/21/2016 - 12:08 pm

Nice….. 8-(

ToTrees 1/21/2016 - 2:13 pm

.youtube.com/watch?v=aEtuLzUbtpI

muspelhem 1/20/2016 - 9:23 pm

I can relate.

Today I left for my job as a convenience store clerk. I’m in my early thirties, and this is me: working in a convenience store, when I could have done so much with my life.

I was knackered from sleep deprivation, due to the same job. I then stood selling people cigarettes, alcohol and junk food for hours, but most of the time there were no customers because the supermarket nearby has changed its opening hours to around-the-clock. I find the work mind-numbingly dull, but it is also terrifying for me because I have to deal with customers, and hence my social anxiety.

The only upside to it is the occasional cute female customer. But despite having worked there for six months, I’ve never got a date or something like that. Maybe I could have, had I tried (I know some will scoff, who would want to date a clerk?). But I didn’t try. Was too terrified. Then after today, when I felt like killing myself for most of the shift, I’m on the night bus home, and this couple are really going at it, snogging like mad. For ages. It’s just another reminder of my intense loneliness and awkwardness around the other sex, which means I’m practically never in a relationship, however short.

The point of this long ramble is that I’m fed up, I have been for years (suicidally depressed too). And I’m tired of taking it on the chin. And it hasn’t helped me. It doesn’t. Being nice and accepting life (and others) screwing you over does not work. I have tried it for years, and it DOES. NOT. WORK. You can slave away, accept intolerable circumstances (as I have seen my parents do), and you won’t get some medal at the end. You’ll just get mercilessly screwed over.

Now most other people don’t want to screw you over. They just do it by accident, or without even noticing.

But (inspired by HDS), I’ll leave you with a very wise Beastie Boys quote:

“You gotta fight for your right to party”

I would say this could apply to your whole life. And fighting can include saying: I will not put up with this. It is intolerable. I will not live like this. You can’t make me. I won’t play along. Help me. Please don’t hurt me. Help me instead. I’m through with this suffering. I’ve had it up to here.

Take care. Hugs. You’re not worthless. Not at all. You’re beautiful.

creep25 1/21/2016 - 12:08 am

Thank you muspelhem for the kind words. I have to laugh at myself because I went to college for 5 years for a bachelors and cant even get a job at a convenient store (I applied to five) yet a lot of my high school drop out friends are making 20 dollars an hour so I guess it must be me. Like you I also have social anxiety which makes me an easy target for a lot of people to screw over and your right, being good to people doesn’t do much. I would love to be mean and selfish and use others for my own gain with non remorse but I cant which is probably why I will never be successful in this life.

muspelhem 1/21/2016 - 4:50 pm

I just want to tell you something regarding what you said about not being able to get a job at a convenience store and then saying “I guess it must be me”. I do the same when I feel like a social failure: I blame myself.

But let me offer some perspective: where I work, we regularly get applications. The nicest, most hopeful young people come in with a carefully crafted application detailing why they would love to work at the store and what experience they have already gathered over their short lives. But I haven’t seen a single one of them get hired. At the same time, my boss hired a local youth who honestly does not seem interested in the job at all. The main reason he was hired is (I think) that he knows the young people in the neighbourhood, which could be an advantage if trouble arises, or just for attracting customers. My point is that a guy who doesn’t seem to enjoy or value the job that much (I don’t blame him, neither do I) got the job. A lot of people who put in a lot of effort to get it didn’t.

And the reason is pretty random. It’s not because those people aren’t worthy of the job. I’m sure they would make GREAT employees. Even if, say, they had social anxiety. Maybe they could bring something else to the role.

Living in society, a lot of our experiences are shaped by people’s decisions. Those decisions might be sensible or not, you might agree with them or not. They might be your decisions or other people’s decisions. But they’re just that. Not necessarily “another piece of evidence that you’re worthless”.

muspelhem 1/22/2016 - 4:06 am

I think when we’re babies, we’re quite good at communicating our needs to other people. We basically become unbearable when we’re not getting them met. Then we grow and gradually learn to do things by ourself, including fulfilling many needs. But the thing is, sometimes (like people on this site) we feel deeply unfulfilled and unable to get out of the slump by ourselves. I think in that case it’s great to be able to reach out and say “HEEEEEEEYYYY! I’m not okay. I’M NOT OKAY! Do you hear me? My life sucks! Please help me! Please, please, please! I need your help!”

October_rain 1/20/2016 - 9:53 pm

“…I truly am a waste of life.” No you’re not. You’re here for a reason. If you have now known and realized all that, why not do differently? Why not slow down and do the opposite of all the ways that have caused you to fail and get the same results?

Start by identifying all of the causes and effects. Start putting a label on all of the things that you have been doing and failing with. As they say, the first step is recognizing what is the problem — and THEN come up with a good plan to solve that.

And have the self discipline to discipline yourself and to stick to that new path to continue to “reprogram” yourself until it becomes your new you.

Best wishes.

creep25 1/21/2016 - 12:04 am

That is my problem. I don’t know what to do because I have tried every combination of events and decisions I could, saying yes instead of no, trying instead of giving up, trusting instead of being suspicious but no matter what choice I make things have always led me back to where I am now. I know a lot of people see someone like me struggling and must think its something that I am not doing but I assure you i have done and against my better judgement am still trying to do everything in my power to change things, its just not giving me any different results…

bah 1/21/2016 - 1:43 am

Oh yes, I too have been at that stage, actively trying everything under the sun and moon, and yet the universe still poo’s on me. It’s come to a point where I feel like the universe is against me. It makes no sense I know, but it’s hard not to think that way when time after time, life has shown that no matter how nice and how good you or, or what choices you make, the universe somehow has a way to screw you over.

rainyday 1/21/2016 - 1:20 am

I can relate. I wish you the very best. I wish I could help you.

I am sending you a big hug. Keep trying, is the only thing we can do in this life. Even if we never get better or happy again.

Do not compare yourself with the life of others, or with what others have done in life, to what others have and you do not have. Keep doing good and keep trying. And if necessary look for some kind of help or support in your community. Most be a place were you can go and receive the help you need. I wish I could tell you were to go or give you the magic formule, but I do not know.

I know that in some years I will go to a shelter or to a convent. And there I will work to help others. At least that is a long time plan that I have.

Hazy Day Sunflower 1/21/2016 - 7:51 am

Your life is not wasted. No one here, not you or that woman putting fresh breakfast rolls in the steamer over there, or that homeless guy near my house I give bananas to or even that really rude guy that wouldn’t let me through the intersection four days ago, are a wasted existance. It feels that way because you have a disease called depression. And this disease, like people’s noses, is unique to each one of us. There isn’t a magic pill to cure it. There is medicine to alleviate the symptoms, but truthfully it is a chronic disease. That sounds rather depressing doesn’t it? But it really isnt. I like to think people like me,yourself included, simply lack thd life filter others have and in many ways we are better people for it.

Moneypenny 1/22/2016 - 6:09 pm

Thank you for writing this, i’ve heard it a lot of times, and I know I have a disease, but what’s more than truth is that it is unique in everyone of us. Even when it is a really bad thing to know it has no cure, it helps me to think i’m not to blame for what i’ve think and done. That I am not doing this or that i am not suffering like this because i took the wrong decisions, because i deserve it, or because I want to, but because there is a chemical malfunction in my system with a particular way to show itself, so it can’t be compare to anyone else’s. That this disease is a natural thing to expect because nothing is completely perfect (or even near to be so).
But it scares me, you know? the idea that I might be crazy and wrong, because I’ve been rejected too many times, and being afraid of that madness makes me feel worst. So, still… i need to believe there might be a relieve. I don’t feel all that strong as to know I will have to live with this all my life. Most times my desease is way stronger than me

sadlife958 1/21/2016 - 8:20 pm

I feel the same as you. I notice when the sun is setting I feel left out and lonely especially when it’s the summer because I know a lot of people are enjoying themselves and that they easily have a place with someone to who they belong to. When i’m asleep I feel nothing I feel free and calm. As soon as I wake up I quickly reach for my headphones to listen to a nice song to calm myself down before my depression and loneliness kick in.Sometimes I ask myself if any of this is worth it, by dealing with this pain? if time will ever help me or forget me?. How long will I last? I’m so limited my perception is my limit. I’m so damaged and people including my friends avoid me and I stop running after them what’s the point when your not cool enough no one likes failures especially those who fail on everything no matter how hard they try. I come to believe some people don’t belong here and some don’t like it here that person is me myself and I. Best part about it all is that it’s only me so there is no meaning about it. What happens when I die? Do I go to hell or do I become that failure in heaven from above? I have no clue but as I’m alive I’ll continue to help those who can Get past what I’m going through. The key is to search for the best coping resource and to allow time to help. However in my case I’m unable to achieve both so I continuosly walk in darkness, loneliness, and shame while my friends backs are turned away. I hate this it hurts and I envy those who die that dident want to I wish I could take there place.

Moneypenny 1/22/2016 - 6:20 pm

As you are not thinking on dying and you are looking for coping techniques, i really advise you on walking, as a low demanding exercise. Walking is healing, and meaningfull, I don’t even know why. Hope it helps you. Eat well and treat yourself nicely. You seem like a nice person. Best of lucks.

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