When I was younger my life was crap and yet despite all that was happening to me, rape, beatings, abandonment, homelessness, foster care I still had this idea that my future would be better. I still somehow believed that if I could just hold on long enough, try my hardest then one day things would fall into place. Twenty six years later and I have run out of that hope. I cry myself to sleep all the time, I cant find a job, I have no freedom at home, no money, I only ever get used in romantic “relationships”. Ive never had a boyfriend. I don’t know how it feels like to truly be loved and I know I never will. I am in every way a failure. I wish and pray constantly for death but it never comes. The only relief I have is in sleep but I always end up waking up angry and disappointed because it means living another day. I cant even kill myself because I’m too much of a coward and don’t want to hurt anyone. Every time I hear about people dying in car crashes, or getting shot by a stray bullet or their heart suddenly giving out I get so angry. I think to myself why is it that the people who want to live die and the people who want death more than anything else are forced to live in misery for years to come? Sometimes I think maybe I deserve it, that i’m a worthless piece of shit and everyone else can see it, that I must have done something terrible in the past to make my life this way and other times I think that maybe i’m cursed and there is nothing I can do to get out of it no matter how I feel about myself or try to do right. I feel like i’m suffocating. I’m trapped with nowhere to go, a rat running on a wheel that will never go anywhere. I want to die but cant kill myself, I want a better life but nothing I do has helped me in all the years ive tried. I wish with every fiber of my being that my mother had aborted me because I truly am a waste of life.