I’ll be honest; that is the most absurd word I have ever come across. Of course only you would say such a thing, it wasn’t until I bumped into you over the bandwidth of the internet that I realised such things or words were even possible. You were full of surprises I s’pose, and it didn’t come as any such surprise that your life up until that point was one chapter short of a Pulitzer prize.
…I remember quite vividly your imitation of that prank caller dude but with an Indian accent because *apparently* you sounded like an Indian. (Really?! I couldn’t get past that faux American accent to begin with.) The antics stopped there though, but somehow…I wish they didn’t.
No friendship should be forged in this way under any circumstances, but the circumstances were extraordinary and so nature took its course. I still don’t know why you emailed me (even though you explained it to me) and yet I’m thankful that you did. No one conversation was the same with you, and it was evident from the outset that you were destined for great things.
Life, evidently, decided otherwise.
You spoke with conviction, of which only a battle hardened veteran would possess – someone who had fought abroad and seen the horrors of the world, only to return home and see the exact same thing in their very own backyard. And although you may have found some of your tangents to be skewered in vision and perhaps extreme to the uninitiated, they were astounding to bear testament to.
You possessed a beautiful soul which had been harassed by the wickedness of this unrelenting world, and yet you strived to survive against any and all odds.
“…regardless of season, weather, or terrain”.
Onward you would push, always within reach of the constantly unobtainable. Despite adversity and the ever prevalent trials of modern day society, you became more than just a product of some based ideals passed down by mere square-headed individuals. You became a vanguard of your own ideals. Ideals which did not benefit yourself, but everyone around you.
Everyone that you loved.
To fight for a cause much greater than yourself is what I, once as a soldier, would continually exert to attain – and you achieved that on your own, of your own accord, within your own country. You never did anything for yourself; it was all for your loved ones. I know for a fact that you loved your sister dearly, you all but threw it in my face. I swear, the amount of love and adoration that radiated through that one phrase almost destroyed my soul. How could one person love so damn much?!
Therein lies the answer; you were more than human.
I know in my heart that you are back where you came from amongst the clouds, keeping a vigilant eye far and wide over those whom you held near. I remember you explained to me a very simple, yet ideal, concept of seeking solace for an indefinite period.
And now you have found it. Through the clouds and over yet another horizon shall you forever roam, free of the pain which had scarred you till the day you departed.
You were my friend for the shortest of times, but your grace will always be with me in spirit. I know you had your reasons for leaving me out of the picture, and I respect that. There’s nothing I can do now, except offer you my sincerest farewell.
Thank you for letting me into your life; for showing me that we as individuals don’t always have to be part of the bigger picture; for demonstrating that love is unquantifiable; and for teaching me the harshest lesson of all.
I will never see you again – both in this world and the next. Yet I am hopeful that one day you will let your presence on this earth be known to me for one last time, so that I may properly say goodbye.
I am no longer a man of faith, but I will pray for this one-time only: I pray that you will look over your sister – your best friend – until the end of time. I pray that you will both meet again when the time comes and get to enjoy each other’s company once more. I pray your family and friends will get to see you off in spectacular fashion and never forget you, as I have never forgotten you.
And lastly… I pray you will forgive me for breaking that one promise I made to you.
From a soldier who is no more, to a soldier who is forever; *Snaps to Attention – Salutes*
May you find the eternal rest you have been seeking for time untold.
“…a truly ‘war-ry’ woman”.
Furtherest from my embrace, nearest to my heart.
Rest easy, my friend. You no longer need to fight.
240302 Apr 15
I wrote this months ago and yet I’m still in pain over losing you. I visited where you departed this world and met a new friend whilst I was there — truth be told I only wanted to fall asleep and cry over you, but having a friend there was surprisingly comforting. I felt your presence and didn’t feel it all the same, and that’s probably because we were oddly comfortable in our conversations with each other. That’s one thing I will always miss. I mean, sure, a 26-year old woman isn’t supposed to cry to a 20-year old fella who she’d just met, but hey — we made the most of it, and we helped each other regardless. Yet it still kills me that I know you better than anyone else — including your beloved sister — despite us only conversing for a month or so. You were a smart, compassionate and loving woman who was denied the love and care you deserved.
…but I also knew that you’d have never given me the chance to give either of those things to you. It’s okay W — I get it now. You weren’t running from me; it was your demons who wouldn’t let you stop for a second to talk with me.
I should tell you that I met someone from here who also followed your story closely. She’s fuckin’ divine W, and I *know* you’d love her too. Hope you don’t mind, but I gave her your picture a while back, as a reminder of how truly beautiful a person you were — both within and through the vessel you possessed. She’s a switched on woman, my T… and she explained to me just how she knew something wasn’t right with what happened to you. It doesn’t seem fair for her to have to tell both our stories once we’re both gone, but I know she’ll be okay — she’s the toughest person I’ve ever known.
You need to stop bugging me in my sleep. Yeah, I know you can sense that I’m about ready to leave — even a fuckin’ horse that I’d just met gave me that “I know you’re gearing up for something involving death, bwoy” look, along with every other fuckin’ animal I’ve come across — but you — yes YOU, Ms. W — are the one person who has passed over who I will not be able to tolerate sending me these messages. There is one thing you can do for me however…
…how about you tell me why it is that you called me on 2 August 2014 @ 0249hrs?! You were in Australia by then, and you even dialled my new number, which obviously means you got my other messages too. So… if you’re going to keep me up all night, then at least explain yourself about the night in question, and then you can feel free to bug me all you want. Entiende, mi amiga?! (I know — you’re fluent in Spanish, and mine is rubbish.)
I promise to track down your grave and properly pay my respects before I get my ticket punched to the next life. As a matter of fact — I’ll leave a letter addressed to your sister in a watertight package strategically placed on your grave so that *hopefully* she’ll get it. I’ll leave you some flowers of course, and cry like a baby while I’m at it. Still hate Wellington though, but Lower Hutt is where I was for a time anyway.
I miss you. I guess I’ll catch you up in that tavern in the sky in weeks to come. First round is on you, and I don’t want that Export Gold shite you drink either.
Plookamadoo… you bloody idiot.
240214 Jan 16
I’m over you. I really am.
Though I still owe it to your memory to visit your final resting place to pay my respects and also to speak with your little sister. Everyone has their “unfinished business” so to speak, and in my case you’re my “business”. I’d hoped to do this all by the end of January, but unfortunately it’ll have to wait due to a current lack of financial resources and prior study commitments. Mark my words — I will pay my respects to you beside your grave. Hell, I’ll bring a bottle of Canadian Club to keep us company too.
I haven’t kept abreast with the details surrounding the case, although I’m guessing Queeric or Testee or whatever the fuck he calls himself still hasn’t 1) shown any remorse whatsoever and 2) done the honourable thing and jumped into a running wood chipper. Your family does deserve some closure, I know that better than most when it comes to murder trials. So for their sake… I hope he rots behind bars where he belongs.
That girl I mentioned a year ago turned out to be another lost little girl with daddy issues much like yourself. Yeah, yeah… I knew that from the get-go, but ignored it due to the blinding affliction known as “love”. She ain’t spoken with me in well over a month, so I can only assume that either 1) she’s finally developed the sense to erase me from her existence and carry on with her life, 2) she’s pregnant with a married man’s kid and waiting till she’s passed the first trimester to contact me so as to put yet another poor kid through the same miserable upbringing she looked back on once she’d grown up or 3) she’s dead and that’s why my ears have been really fucked lately.
Of course I could always be wrong, but a little speculation never hurt nobody, eh? Her family already think I’m dead so they wouldn’t know to tell me of her passing, which means I’d have to track her down myself the old fashioned way. Well okay then — I’ll give you two more months to holler at me.
Everything hurts; I’m miserable and lonely as fuck; my world is a cold, dark place even on the sunniest of days; and one day soon I’ll finally break and put a round hole in my square head.
Why am I even still talking to a dead girl who’d forgotten all about me long ago… Meh, who cares.
I’ll see you soon.