I’m a mess of conflicting emotions. Maybe everybody is. But it seems like most people manage to maintain a degree of balance.
I want so many different, irreconcilable things. Many of them are flat out logically incoherent (even if I could time travel.) Some are just wildly improbable. And of those that are possible, my preference swings back and forth on an hourly basis. Any steps I take towards one goal will likely be undone the next day in pursuit of another. I don’t just want to have my cake and eat it too. I want the whole frickin’ cake shop, and all possible cakes yet to be baked.
I often wish I was a consistent, dependable person. Rather than this ball of fluctuating fantasies, fears, ideals, and feelings. I can resolve to do something one day, and mean it, and do the exact opposite the next. There’s nothing of substance underpinning anything I say or do. I’m not so much a person as a cluster of competing emotions locked in an endless wrestling match.