On Friday I was going to try and kill myself. After a long search I thought that if I want to overdose on pills, the most available and lethal medication would be aspirin. Overdose is my style. I can’t cut myself even though I want it badly – I still can’t. I have a knife, I bought it for cutting my neck, but I just can’t do it, I can’t stab it in my flesh, but I may get to the point when I will be able to cut myself.
So, last week I carefully gathered all the things I would need to do the deed.
I bought a 40 pack of Aspirin, each 500 mg, 75 Xanax pills, each 0.25 mg, anti-vomit pills, and a bottle of vodka (I drink alcohol very rarely).
I booked a hotel room for Friday and Saturday night, told my mom I was going to stay at my friends’ house at the weekend. She believed me. I love her, and I felt and feel so fucking sorry for her. I imagine the moment when she will know about my death and I just want to hug her and tell her that it’s better for me, just let me go, and be strong for me.
So I was there, my letters to my loved ones, the knife, the pills, the alcohol. I took a shower, took a deep breath, sat down and started to take the pills.
I managed to swallow 6 of the anti-vomit pills, 35 Aspirins, 75 Xanax pills.
Anti-vomit was nothing, 6 of them was just like candy.
The hard part was swallowing Aspirin. Those pills are huge if you want to swallow 4 or 5 of them together.
Xanies was like candy again. I think it took me 4 swallows to wash them down.
I tried to drink some vodka, but I felt like if I took another sip, I would vomit.
I vomited of course, but only some clear foamy stuff tasted like Aspirin.
Then, as I lay down on the hotel bed, I felt so calm, I thought I was going to die finally, I felt so fucking peaceful.
But after 36 hours of sleeping I woke up.
I was disoriented, partially deaf, and felt dizzy. I went home, and slept through the afternoon. I noticed some bruises on my chin and my left thigh. I also had a little nose bleed.
Apparently I woke up without knowing about it and I did something – I have no idea what. I know that I opened a door, because I closed it when I went to bed, and switched on the lights, and from my bruises – I stumbled over something.
Deafness went away already, but I don’t know what happened to my kidneys or my liver or my stomach.
So this method didn’t work out for me.
Next time I will choose something that works.
Thank you for reading.
44 comments
I know how you are feeling after this particular failure. I won’t say don’t do it and I also won’t say do it.
But I will say to try to find out the cause and eliminate that cause which make you feel suicidal.
You should share why you want to end your life.
May be ‘someone here or in real life’ can help you.
Death is not a solution. Not a temporary one also.
Where life… 🙂 It’s full of possibilities. 🙂
Fight it.
BPD, depression, deviance, … etc.
I am only seeing my psycologist to calm down my mom.
Yeah, I’m on same boat dude.
Bi-polar, depressed all the time, lately my moods wereon roller coaster but I guess today I’m little calm.
A tip : don’t do anything to make anyone happy.
But what you can do..? She is your mom. You have make her calm so she don’t freakout.
So here is another tip : meet your psychologist with complete hope and believe in yourself and your psychologist that his treatment will work. Have faith.
Faith can move mountains. 🙂
How could I gain faith? I have no faith anymore. Can you imagine hating your life so much that you book a hotel room and OD? I haven’t told anyone (except this site), because I don’t wanna be saved, I just wanted to tell my experience to people.
Actually I too have failed many times.
2 times, real serious.
So yes I can imagine. 🙂
But we can do..?
Suffering everyday?
Nah…. I don’t think it’s good idea.
Life is beautiful in trillion. 🙂
We just have to see few to make our life beautiful.
So try to have little faith.
It’s not gonna hurt.
Try My Friend. 🙂
*trillion ways. 🙂
Thank you for your kind words, but I cannot be saved. You know, I had 2-3 suicide attempts before, none of them were planned or thought trough, but this was. Today I lied to my psych to give me more meds and not to hospitalize me.
Like I said.I too had. I too used to feel like this that I can’t be helped. Sometime still thinks. Well. I think it everything. Last night I went to bed so happily. (I didn’t know when the last time I was this happy. Probably in 2014) and I wake up with extreme headache which was something new. I have headaches but I didn’t believe I slept happily and calmly how could I have a headache. But I had.
So it’s life. Obstacles are always gonna be here. What you want to do ? Give up or fight it back.
I choose to fight back. Because I’m tired of being sad and depressed all the time.
Do whatever you like.
Put your energy in the activities you like or used to like instead of being depressed.
I know it is hard but not impossible.
Everything ==everyday.
*through
Death is so gard to achieve. I hope something changes for you so you won’t have to feel this pain or the need to end it. But i understand i want to end it myself.
*hard
You know, I have had my share of pain in my life. I always thought that I can get through this, I can manage this, things will get better, but now.. I wake up with suicidal thought and I go to bed with them. I’ve had enough of this pain.
May be you had your share of pain.
But I guess, still you haven’t got your share of happiness.
Fight for your happiness. 🙂
Stay for your happiness. 🙂
May be I don’t want to fight anymore, may be I have given up on myself. I don’t know how people with mental diseases and traumas can move on, but I respect them. I don’t have what it takes.
I don’t know why I am bitching here.
@NiDDA: how are you feeling today? My heart truly goes out to you. I’m bi-polar as well, it is a real struggle many days. If I may ask, how old are you?
How would you feel after failing? Suicidal, depressed, crying, pretending like everything is okay, shit, nothing to cling on, nothing to live for, not happy at all, abandoned but physically not alone (I have family and co-workers around me), but none of them knows what I have done to myself, what I want to do. I lost my tone of voice, I was always playing with my voice, making jokes, but since a month I have never smiled truly from my heart, I just mimic a smile, inside I am dying.
Now this. Is how I feel today.
Why is my age important to you?
I asked how you are feeling because only you can communicate how you feel. I could assume how you feel, but that would be unfair to you, assuming I know how you feel. I’d never do that.
I asked your age so I can get a mental picture of the situation. You don’t need to tell me. people in high school, college, middle aged and elderly all have unique perspectives on how life is. Just curious.
I am 25.
And no one knows you were holed up in the hotel room right? I’m so sorry for that. I’m sorry you were at a place in your life where that was the only thing that presented itself as an escape route from the pain you are in.
I’d say tell your doctor but I know I wouldn’t in your shoes so I get it. No one knows the state I am in and that is exactly how I like it. Are you working or taking any classes?
Did you keep your letters?
No one, just this community and the receptionists who were there.
I won’t tell my psychologist about my attempt, last time I was there, I had a conversation with somebody before who found out who my psychologist was and called her, like, ‘Hey is she [me] one of your patients? She’s planning something, I’m worried about her.’ This was a week ago on Tuesday, and I was really embarrassed. I almost chickened out, I was afraid that somebody will even call the cops on me, but didn’t.
I am working, and yes, I kept them.
Nothing pisses me off more than when people undermine my own destructive nature by calling my doctor. How am I supposed to properly destroy myself and my life when concerned citizens out there are calling my doctor and or family members with a red alert danger danger call out. Just makes me see red. See now I’m seething just thinking about the few times “concerned” citizens busted me. Made my life even worse than it already was, in so many awful ways too. Which is why I keep my mouth shut now. Walk a mile in my shoes then you can tell me how to destroy my life the adult way, like everyone else right?
anyway, welcome to SP, or maybe I should hand you a plague bell and say “ring away, we are all here marching along, most of us may get to next week” I’m not familiar with your alias and checked your profile and don’t see any postings, so I’m assuming you are new. If not, I apologize for rolling out the death gong welcome mat for you. I’ll be frank, your story scared me, reading it. Reading peoples attempts always makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up, which is a good thing, it shows I still have compassion, when I stop feeling when I read a heart felt story such as yourself there won’t be much point in staying here.
I thought of posting some brutal dubstep for you, but thought better of it. Here have this one instead. It seems appropriate:
youtube.com/watch?v=5hEh9LiSzow
I am hoping you stick around and hash out a lot of what you are feeling. Like I said previously, I can’t begin to imagine how you are feeling right now.
Nothing pisses me off more than when people undermine my own destructive nature by calling my doctor. How am I supposed to properly destroy myself and my life when concerned citizens out there are calling my doctor and or family members with a red alert danger danger call out. Just makes me see red. See now I’m seething just thinking about the few times “concerned” citizens busted me. Made my life even worse than it already was, in so many awful ways too. Which is why I keep my mouth shut now. Walk a mile in my shoes then you can tell me how to destroy my life the adult way, like everyone else right?
anyway, welcome to SP, or maybe I should hand you a plague bell and say “ring away, we are all here marching along, most of us may get to next week” I’m not familiar with your alias and checked your profile and don’t see any postings, so I’m assuming you are new. If not, I apologize for rolling out the death gong welcome mat for you. I’ll be frank, your story scared me, reading it. Reading peoples attempts always makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up, which is a good thing, it shows I still have compassion, when I stop feeling when I read a heart felt story such as yourself there won’t be much point in staying here.
I thought of posting some brutal dubstep for you, but thought better of it. Here have this one instead. It seems appropriate:
youtube.com/watch?v=5hEh9LiSzow
I am hoping you stick around and hash out a lot of what you are feeling. Like I said previously, I can’t begin to imagine how you are feeling right now.
Yes, seething. Thank you for the word, that describes my feelings when the doctor told me about the call. I was seething.
Nobody can imagine the way I feel, just the ones who were in my situation. Who held their poison in their hands and swallowed it, who stood on a chair with a noose on their neck, and kicked the chair away, who dived the knife in their own flesh deeply but was saved.
I am new, so thank you for your entreé.
Here’s my music for tonight:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RxabLA7UQ9k
Also, my choice of funeral music.
Ah instrumental, nice. Plus from a movie I really like, double win. Interesting funeral music. I was thinking in a humorous way, how if this was your only funeral song it would be only 4.5 minutes long. That certainly is my idea of a good funeral. Short and to the point. Here she is… yup she’s dead. Sandwiches and grape juice are beings served in the foyer, in lieu of flowers, please make donations to the tortoise or turtle rescue of your choice, for with proper care they will out live us all.
Well, you owned my first chuckle this year.
https://soundcloud.com/mustafalized/interstellar-ost-stay-hans-zimmer-original-motion-picture-soundtrack
Add this to the Funeral sound track, so it wouldn’t be that short. Anyway, funny how I speak about my funeral, in my will I specifically asked not to hold a funeral for me, just wash my ashes into the ground. Yes, I’ve written a will too. I am also thinking on writing a living-will if anyone finds me, but in my country I think they won’t give a shit about the paperwork, I can imagine them ‘Yeah here she is dying, and some notes, now let’s bring her back to life.’
NiDDA – I am sorry that you are suffering immensely and that you have no hope for your life.
My comment to you is from a mom’s perspective, because that’s what I am, and always will be – a loving and devoted mother to my precious son. You write that you love your mom and feel sorry for her. I think my son felt similarly.
My son killed himself 7 years ago at age 24. He would be 31 years old now. No prior attempts; he succeeded the first time. He thought about suicide for 10 years, from age 14.
Since his death day, I feel profoundly sad and am completely heartbroken – for me.
But I also I feel relieved – for him. He is no longer suffering in this mess of a world.
Although there are many things I wish were different, I don’t have guilt or regret. I did what I knew to do to try to “save” my son. But he kept letting me know (sometimes directly, sometimes indirectly) that he did not want to continue feeling like a tasking slave in our society. And I knew I couldn’t change the planet to mesh with my son’s perspective.
On my son’s last day, we spent the entire day together, from morning until mid-afternoon. It was a beautiful day and our interactions were kind and loving. But I could sense the darkness in his being. In my mind, I’ve relived this day five thousand times. Yes, for the first few months, I rehashed the scenario about 20 times each day. Now, almost 7 years later, I rehash his final day about once a month, usually on trigger days. Although there is a mixture of emotions, I am mostly comforted by the memories of my last day with him.
Some will never overcome the pain of their child’s suicide. This isn’t your fault or problem. But the main point I want to share with you is this… some interactions with your mom today could actually help your mom survive her grief if you choose to end your life. If you share with your mom the details of your thoughts – your love for her, the pain you endure – she will always treasure those memories of you.
Thank you for your honesty.
Yes, I love my mum, but like you couldn’t help your son, she can’t help me either, because she isn’t my problem. If I told her that I am still suicidal, her heart would break before I commit suicide and would break again after I committed suicide. I wrote her a letter, let’s say suicide note (suicide note to me is a few line note to everybody, my letters are personal, and are not just a few lines), so, in that letter I tried to tell her everything that made/makes feel like this, I begged her not to blame herself, not to give up, to keep what she’s doing, to work, to play with my dog, to love her boyfriend, everything.
Good plan… your detailed letter to your mom WILL help her. My son didn’t write a note, but if he hadn’t previously told me his feelings, I would have appreciated a note.
Maybe it doesn’t matter, but is there a chance your mom could find your ‘suicide letter’ before you end your life?
My son also left his dog with me. His dog just turned 11 years old and has some gray around his snout.
Interesting that in your note you tell your mom “not to give up “. My son would often ask me why I bother to keep going, doing all of the nonsense things we humans do. I never had a really good response to that question. Now that he’s gone, I wonder why I keep going. Hence, this is why I came to SP a couple of months ago. I’m trying to figure that out. Do I Stay Or Go?
Why do I get the feeling that you replied ironically that my letter WILL help? I know that my letter won’t give me back to her, but I don’t want her to blame herself, because I know she would.
I don’t want her to give up. I know she’s mentally unstable, not like me, but she has her issues too (panic disorder), but she has a boyfriend, she has a life, a beautiful house, a good job and everything. And here I am 25 years old alone and with nothing. I know I have her, but she’s just not enough, a mother is just not enough when you are adult, your child-room is just not enough, your shitty job is not enough, even though you studied, you have 2 degrees, and you have fucking nothing, it is just not enough.
The letters are in my handbag, she wouldn’t touch my stuff, she trusts me..
With complete sincerity, I replied that your letter WILL help your mom because I just know it will. OK, I believe it will. But, intuitively, I do ‘know’ some things. For most mothers, there is an instinctive intense love that a mother has for her child. I know this because I’ve experienced it. Love of a child is a love like no other love. It is as unconditional as human love can be. This love is deeper than romantic love, friend love, sibling love, or any other form of family love.
I’ve talked to other moms after their child has ended their life, sort of like my own unscientific small study. Those moms who received suicide letters were always utterly grateful to have those letters, no matter whether the letters expressed sorrow or anger. Even letters where the son or daughter vented wrath toward the mom … the moms treasured the letters.
Yes, I pictured my mum like that, treasuring my last letter to her. I know I sound crazy, and understand if you think I should be locked up, but I’m worried about her, and try to picture futures where she gets through my death.
Another thought – about your suicide letters.
I don’t know where you live, but in the USA, the police generally confiscate suicide notes as part of their ‘investigation’. Suicide is sometimes initially investigated as a possible homicide, to rule out foul play. If you’re alone in a hotel room and you OD on pills, the police would investigate. They’ll take your handbag and the letters.
If that happens, it could be awhile before your mom actually gets the letter, and your handbag, from the police. A friend of mine had to beg the police to give her the suicide note of her son. The suicide was in her home in her son’s bedroom. She was so distraught that she didn’t see the note prior to calling the medics, who called the police. When the police came, they took the note without letting the mom see it. It was several weeks before the police gave her the suicide note.
It sounds cruel, thank you for mentioning this to me, I will look into this.
You Are Loved. I love you, because you exist. God Loves you, whether you believe it or not. I’d love to talk to you, and I want to hear your story. Can we exchange contacts?
Thank you, but you don’t know me therefore you can’t love me. I don’t believe in God, I am sorry. If I believed in something, I perhaps wouldn’t be in this situation.
Life is beautiful. That’s why I love you. Because you exist, and just that means something. This is my firm belief that I stand by.
Think about people you know personally; friends? Family?
Someone loves you.
Don’t throw your life away because of people’s inability to see your worth.
Okay, please stop. Yes, someone loves me, but I am not that someone and this is what matters. I don’t love myself.
I’ve tried to OD a few times and honestly, it’s pretty difficult for it to work. The worse was with paracetamol (which functions in a similar way to aspirin, 500mg pills too). 40 of those, and i was ready to go…or so i thought, because same as you, i woke up and actually went and asked for help. After having my stomach pumped and a week on the hospital (mostly on watch, people were actually pretty nice), i can tell you this: drink lots of water for a couple of days (more than usual) and try to eat healthy, just in case because of your liver/kidneys. Aspirin is a pretty toxic med, and even if it looks like you’re fine, your kidneys most be working over time to get rid of all that crap you swallowed.
Other than that… well, it’s not a bad idea to give that psych a serious try, i mean, it’s not like you can’t continue planning a way out if things don’t work out. Not that it’s ideal, but it’s your decision after all, and we all have reasons to be here/not wanting to be here. I do hope you find some to be here eventually tho.
Why did you ask for help? I remember an other OD I had, I only took benzos with some alcohol, but I just slept it off during that ~48 hour sleep I had after. I was 15 maybe, benzos affected my body more than now. So I was never in a state where I knew I wasn’t succeeding but I was in so much pain to ask for help. How does it feel?
If you have done this here, you would have been hospitalized in psych ward. People not so nice there. I stayed there for 6 days and I had some arguments about their rules, they made feel miserable, crazy, and abnormal.
I’m really sorry you feel this way. Fair play for trying, but I want to scream from the rooftops for people not to bother with pills. They rarely work these days for this very reason and I don’t envy waking up to the multitude of thoughts and issues facing you after failing.
I’m sorry I can’t offer anything other than hope, like Mf says, that somewhere along your path you find reasons to stay here 🙂
I don’t think it is hard to OD, you need alcohol to emphasize the effects of the drugs you take. I agree that benzos alone won’t kill anybody, LD50 is too damn high to kill anybody, we are talking about 2-3 GRAMMS, when people are usually prescribed max. 5-10 MILLIGRAMMS a day. Let’s say someone has 5 mg tablets, and let’s say the LD50 is 2,5 g. It takes at least 500 5 mg tablets to OD without anything else. Now, if you add alcohol to the benzos, LD50 changes dramatically, it takes a lower dose of benzos to OD, but I don’t know how much alcohol and how many benzos it takes to OD. Wish I didn’t hate the taste of alcohol, I’d be dead by now.
Are you ok now?