A couple of months ago, my friend gave me a leftover patch of fentanyl for free. He did warn me about how easy it was to overdose, and told me to only take a small square (about 2cm by 2cm) due to the strength. I could say I was unprepared, but I looked it up on erowid and knew somewhat what I was getting into. I knew it was strong and instead of scaring me to it, it drew me closer. I was extremely depressed at the time, and instead of waiting for when I was in the right headspace, I took it to escape.
In retrospect, I wish I never was given it. I wish I never took it. I wish I didn’t take it multiple times. I finally threw out what was left yesterday with the urging of my friend, who I lied to and told I had gotten rid of it a month ago. I finally told her the truth that I still had it. I was also considering taking the rest as a peaceful death, but had been scared that the urge to use was greater than the urge to die. The urges started after the second use, not constant but maybe once a week. Now that I’ve thrown it out, I can’t stop thinking about it. I hate myself and what the fentanyl did to me.
It didn’t seem that intense at first. I felt extreme euphoria, that was the huge pull, but then also still felt clear headed. I felt removed from myself and my emotions – completely disocciated from everything but the euphoria. I was not nodding, I was not warm. I did not feel very cognitively dulled, as I would on vicodin or percocet. I was sleepy and euphoric – just pure unadulterated euphoria. It was one of the best feelings of my life, but made me quiet and withdrawn. I basically used secretely either alone or with my friends not knowing I was on it. Now I know they could tell something was up, my friend said I had seemed unusually quiet and unemotional. But in my own little world, I thought nothing was unusual.
Now I know this dark passenger will never leave. I want it so badly it’s driving me crazy. Fentanyl is supposedly 10 times stronger than heroin. I was stupid to think I could escape it, that I was bigger or stronger than this opiate hell, the worst and most deadly of opiates. I used it on about 10 occasions while I have drank probably thousands of times and smoked tens of thousands of times. It was only about 10 uses but I can’t stop thinking about it. I get an incredible urge, almost a voice in my head saying fentanyl, fentanyl, fentanyl, in a way I never did with alcohol or weed. The closest I could describe it is the urge to smoke cigarettes once you’ve just started to quit. I am glad that I never got physically sick (dope sick) from stopping it as I never got to everyday use. But I’m angry that I barely used it and spaced out uses but still these urges wont stop even a month later. I am so scared that these urges will never stop and I think that I will have to deal with these feelings the rest of my life. This life is a fast hell and a slow death and I just want out.
7 comments
One month is quite a short time, even the weaker stuff stays in your blood for around 40days, while after it finally clears out of the system then the body has to get used to not having access to it. At least these things were we told on one seminar by a police officer.
Keep holding on, you will get through. After you reach your “lowest” point, it will only be getting better each day.
Holy cow, i’m glad you are still alive. Fentanyl is hard core. Here is the thing about addiction, and you most likely know this but it bears repeating, it is a disease. Once you find “the drug” that does it for you, there really is no comparison. For some it’s alcohol, others sex. The opiate family is a really interesting type in that we have receptors build in to load it right into our pleasure center, kink of like nicotine. The only way to get past this is 100% sobriety, which royally sucks on so many levels. My heart goes out to you, if I had my drug of choice I’d munch it like candy night and day. Any chance you can go to an NA meeting or something?
Damn dude. Hope you get through this. I’ve only ever smoked a cigarette and stopped there. The euphoria was nice but I do not want to deal with addiction. Just got some lousy headaches after it. 10 times stronger than heroin? And you’ve been clean for a month on your own? I can only imagine what you must be going through. You can be proud of that at least I think. Best of luck.
Dealing with addiction is a very lonely and isolating feeling. I’m going through the same thing without my drug of choice in this moment.
I’m glad you got rid of the rest of it. I know you think it sucks now, but be proud of yourself for that! The urges should go away in time. Hopefully you can find someone who will help you get through this. *HUGS*
I still wake up at least four times a month and wish I still smoked. I haven’t smoked in 22 years. It gets easier but it never fully goes away. I know this is a negative post, I rarely post negative comments, but in all honesty at least for me, the urges are less, but never gone completely. The only reason I don’t smoke is because I make myself not smoke. It is legal and I live in Texas, where it is extremely socially acceptable. I used to love smoking. Well fuckall this is negative.
Well anyway, time to go to sleep, this benedryl isn’t going to sleep off itself.
Thank you so much HDS for always taking the time to respond and comment on SP. I don’t think you’re being negative, just realistic. Your comments are always appreciate so no apologies needed. I appreciate your honesty and kindness. So many people tiptoe around problems like addiction or suicide, but it is good to call a spade a spade. I also think that suicidal thoughts or depression and addiction are linked hand in hand. It is the need to escape life that pulls me in. The need to forget or to be outside of myself. Taking opiates is like chipping away at your soul until you are dead, like killing yourself a little over and over again. But enough of that. On a positive not, today is better than yesterday, but I don’t expect the urges to stop for the rest of my life. I don’t expect to be sober for the rest of my life either. I’m not sure I want to be sober. I was just shocked as fentanyl especially is not my drug of choice and was something I had done much less than other drugs like alcohol or weed, yet the urge is so much stronger. To the extent that last night I caved and took a vicodin, which I hadn’t done in months, just to try to get that voice in my head to shut up. I feel weak and helpless. But then I go and blend in with the 9-5 crowd and noone is the wiser. Addicts are everywhere, in your homes, in your offices, in your government buildings. Addiction and depression are some of the most nondiscriminatory things out there – it can really happen to anyone. I just wish I never started using.
Congrats on giving up the cigarettes for good! That’s one thing I never got into, but it seems really hard for people to quit.
Your post isn’t negative at all, it’s realistic. The urges don’t completely go away. Addicts tend to trade one addiction for another. Hopefully it can be a productive activity instead of another drug. I miss when I was addicted to working out.