Why? Why is everything so fucking hard? I thought I was getting better. I thought my feelings and emotions were returning. I thought I was finally feeling human again.
But I’m not.
I don’t feel alive. I’m stuck in the middle. Between life and death. I was trying to choose life, but it’s not working. I can’t choose death. Not yet.
I want to die, but I can’t. I try to live, but it’s hard. Life never brings anything for me. Death is well within reach, but I can’t end it.
I hate being STUCK. I hate being TRAPPED.
When is the pain going to end?
I don’t want to cut anymore, but I can’t go a day without it. Sometimes I feel so outside of my body. Like I’m standing aside watching myself, wondering if this is what life really is. I feel so out of touch with the world, the only thing that makes me feel alive is cutting. It’s the pain. The only thing that’s real.
The numbness has come crashing back. The nothingness. The emptiness.
I need a friend. I need someone to vent to. I need a hug. I need a shoulder to cry on. One that won’t judge.
These feeling that I have, I can’t share with my family.
Just had a chat with my father. He was telling me how proud he is of me. He is proud. I feel so guilty about all these thoughts that I have. He is proud, and I don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t want to be a disappointment. That’s why I hide everything that is going on. I hide that I’m breaking.
When someone was asking me how I’m doing yesterday, I couldn’t give him an answer. I literally could not think of anything to say. I couldn’t even lie and say I’m fine. I couldn’t. He just smiled and said, “I can see you’re thinking about it. You know Free, most people just lie and say they’re fine.”
I can’t lie anymore. First time ever that I couldn’t lie. Next time, I’ll tell the truth. If someone asks how I’m doing, I’ll tell them I’m dying. I wonder what their reaction will be.
3 comments
I am trying that too, not lying… and I haven’t been able to decide if it helps or if it means anything. I just say it, not with a lame face or a soft voice as if I was trying to get their attention or their pitty. Just as a fact. Some people say they feel or have felt the same. Others say they are sorry, others keep on with the chatting in a normal sort of way.
I still feel things are confusing.
You have a nice father.
Sorry you are feeling bad. Sorry about your cutting.
Yeah, my father has his days. But, I love him. He has always been here for us. I could see it in his face and his smile that he meant it. I’ll keep lying to my family to keep them at ease, but I don’t have to keep the mask on for other people.
lying can become so difficult…. Good luck ^_^