Everyday is the same never f*cking ending routine. I get up, eat, go to work, come home and lay around until my body succumbs to drowsiness. I do nothing in my free time anymore. My passion for art is completely dead and my friends never invite me to do anything. They don’t text me or even come close to asking if they want to hang out with a loser like me. I feel alone. I feel uncared for. I feel unappreciated. I’m rotting from the inside out. Why the hell was i born if I was meant to suffer? If I was meant to hate myself and others for the way they treat me? Can’t I just live a full happy life? IS IT TO MUCH TO ASK!?!?
For my friends and family who read this, I hope your happy with how you changed me. Into someone anti social and afraid. I tried to be myself, to let myself be free. But you judged me, and the chains of depression held me back because you can’t accept me and don’t love me the way you do my sisters.
. . . Thanks for nothing.
3 comments
I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I had some years where I felt a lot like you do. Lonely and uncared for. I found the deeper I fell, the more people let me go. Do one was particularly interested in listening to me or spending time with me, including myself.
I think back on my past, each year is a color, some multiple colors. one is Alizarin Crimson, it blends into a veridian green year, the dark purple hue where the two meet, then into a Cadmium yellow year…light green the meeting of the two then aquamarine blue with an olive green the joining of the two and so on…but these two years only grey and grey. Not white, not black, only shades of grey. I’m unclear how I forced color back into my life. I think I simply started adding tiny infusions of pigment here and there, which bled into the grey eventually turning it some lovely color or another again.
Could you begin to infuse a little pigment into your life? Call a friend you haven’t spoken to and go to a park and just lay down and watch the sky. No need to talk, color doesn’t need words, it only needs you to squeeze the tube gently it does the rest. If you are where I was, friendless, then possibly take yourself to the park and just lay there looking at the blue sky. Start squeezing pigment into your life. I will be thinking of you.
I have gone through periods where I was kind of anti social. Those periods of my life were rough to deal with. I felt like the biggest loser and often just wanted my pain to end. But luckily now I have some good friends and a good family and I socialize at a healthy level. Why don’t you try to invite your friends to go do something fun? If they don’t do the inviting then take initiative on your own. As far as the Art goes….maybe you should try to just jump into it again and see how it goes. It might do you a lot of good. Maybe you should try to make some New friends if your current friends arent fun to hang around with anymore. There is lots of ways to meet new people these days. Check out your local area news papers and try to find some social events to attend. Thats a good way to meet people.
My plan (God I hope I follow through on this) is to get out more.
Yesterday I literally rode the bus into town and then took the train back home. Just to be around other people. To prevent me from doing what I otherwise would have done: eat junk food, jerk off, play video games, read online news, feel like killing myself.