Even at the age of 21 I can’t find people who like me. I’m unlikeable and I guess I need to accept that. I’ve only found one person who understands me, understands my mental issues and I believe he hates me. I feel like I lost him after what I said. I had to tell him the truth so he wouldn’t get the wrong idea. I just ended up hurting him. I feel like I’ll never find someone like that who understands me again. Not even my closest friend does. But I believe he hates me as well. Oh well.. time to walk down the lonely road… again.
When I finally think I found the person(s) in my life to help me through hardships and show me that I can trust others again, I’m let down. Again. And again. And again. It’s to the point we’re I’m completely numb to it. I tell myself “You know it’s coming, it’s only a matter of time.” Then, eventually it happens. I tried to tell him that what he thought wasn’t true. That I just want him to understand. That I did appreciate him, but I need time for myself. He keeps thinking I’m making excuses not to talk to him. “You just don’t want to talk to me anymore.” “You always have time for yourself.” “You always find excuses to hang up on me,” things like that. I got so mad and frustrated during the call. Eventually I cracked. Giving him a snarky “GOODNIGHT (insert name here)” before I ended the call. He hasn’t called. He hasn’t said anything….
and I can’t seem to care..
I felt so bad today for my friend. He came over to hang out with me and I hardly had anything to say. I hate being this way, my mind drawing a blank everytime I try to talk with someone. Now I’m crying and feel like shit about it. I always want to get away from situations like this but I can’t, I’m always stuck. In these moments, I look back on my nightmares knowing it will eventually come true. I will always and forever being alone. No one ever liked me anyways.. I guess I should embrace it if thats the way my life is going to be.
No one cares about me or how I feel. My emotions and feelings are always pushed back in my family and friends minds. My sister hangs out with someone she knows I’m mad at for hurting me. Yet when she was mad at her ex I respected her wishes of not talking to him. If I’m suffering no one asks if I’m ok, if I need anything, no one talks to me. I’m so sick of this treatment. Everyone hates me when I react to my feelings of hurt or just don’t care. I don’t want to go home..
I have an issue were I go to say something, I forget and stutter or when I try to say something it’s awkward and I stutter.. I don’t know how the hell this seemed to develop in me..I seem to forget words.. I’m so embarrassed. My friend was over and I hardly had anything to say…I’m so bad at communicating and when I do try to communicate it’s like I’m speaking stupid. I don’t know how he gets through the day with me, let alone calling me.. I wish I was better.. I wish i wasn’t afraid to speak my mind or be me..
Last night was the most goddamn frightening experience I had ever lived through. I had an older man approach me at a gas station late at night near my friends house.
Before he approached me he was looking at me through my car front windshield which I thought was weird but I dismissed it because sometimes I’m guilty of doing that too on accident. At first I thought he was walking around to the other side of his car and at this time I was looking down at my phone trying to find my mothers contact to ask her a question. I glanced up for a quick second and noticed he was coming towards my car. I started to panic a bit. I was alone, no one else was around us to see both of us, and Im a young skinny ass girl who couldn’t defend herself.. I’ve seen enough crime shows to know were this might go. So he got to my driver side window and leaned over it. I rolled my window down just enough for me to be able to speak to him clearly and gave him a friendly hello.
He was very old, had a long grey and white beard and he looked broke.. After I said hello he told me to roll my window down all the way. I denied him and told him I wouldn’t do that, he asked me again and I denied him. Then he proceeded to offer me free gas saying that he could pay to fill up my tank for me. He kept asking me over and over and I kept telling him over and over I’m fine, I could pay for it myself. My heart was racing and all I remember was just looking at his hands wondering when the fuck he was going to whip out a gun on me and rob me. I told him I was just trying to find my way around and that I’m fine. I kept stumbling over my words as I was trying to talk to him. Eventually there was a break in the conversation and we both left. After I got far enough away I started feeling like I was about to throw up and I kept replaying what happened in my head..
It may not seem terrifying but it was to me. I’m still unsure if he was trying to be nice to me or not.. but I really didn’t want to take a chance..
I got home safely and didn’t break down on the side of the road and I told my family what happened.. I was already having a shit day and that experience made it 100x worse..
I’m never going back to that gas station again..
As I’m typing this I feel like having a meltdown at work. Every call, every person that I talk to gets me angry. I feel like taking my fist to a wall. I’ve become very moody and violent as of late because of family and friends. They don’t listen and my friends either replace me with someone else or obsess the fuck over my sister. I feel unwanted and I want to run from it. Hanging out with my shit ass friend didn’t help me becaus he just kept trying to get my sisters attention as I tried to make a conversation with him. Everyone feels so devistated when they lose my sister as a friend and not me.. am I really not worth shit to any of them? I feel like I’m going in-fucking-sane. All I want are people who care and all I get are inconsiderate fucks that make me feel like I want to fucking die.
I’m irritated to say I’m writing about this particular “friend” again. I’m beyond angry with him. If you don’t know we and him have a history of “love” together. The last time I hung out with him he was kissing me on the cheek, cuddling with me, laying on my leg/ chest and jealously asking about my love life. Which to me seemed as thoughts still like me but boy was I fucking wrong.
Today I found out that he lead me on and fucked me over for my sister. At first he refused to tell me, saying I would be mad at him forever. Damn he was right about that. He told me after my sister and her boyfriend broke up he’s going to be hooking up with her. But this isn’t the first time he’s done this to me. He did this to me for some ***** in Ohio he met only for a short time. I should have ended it there.. I really should have but being the idiot that I am stuck with him because I loved and pitied him. He had the same issues as me. I wanted to love and help him.. but fuck.. I was wrong about that too. He used me only when he really needed it. I was a tool.
Damn, I was a fool to think he would change his way. He kept telling me he still cared about me after he told me. But I don’t believe that. If he cared he would not have lead me on again like that. I don’t care what happens to him now. He’s on his own and lost someone who was willing to help and care for him when he needed it. He can gladly go fuck himself. I hope karma comes back at him tenfold for making me look like an idiot.
So if you don’t know in one of my past post I talked about having dreams that make me cry in my sleep or dreams that make me upset or sad (although I’m sure no one read it at all). They are harmless dreams that just reminded me of my past which I was sad I couldn’t relive differently. But this dream I had last night was not like the others I had.
The dream starts with me and my family on a passenger airplane. All seems well until something happens and the plane spirals out of control. In the dream I saw we didn’t crash but after I got out of the plane I had found out by a misterious lady at a desk that I had died upon impact with me and my whole family. Once I found out I broke down in tears. I didn’t want to die. I wanted to live for the sake of my bird and my best friend (at the time that’s all I thought about in the dream). I knew I would never see them again. I was afraid I had abandoned them. I remember a part in the dream were I was drawing a picture of me beside my best friend and sobbing uncontrollably while others who passed on with me just stared quietly. At that point I had shook myself out of the dream thankfully by the sound of my snorts (I don’t know why I did that but I remember hearing myself snort after every sob) and the light of my laptop.
When I woke up my eyes were flooding with tears and I was still sobbing. I was so afraid it was real. I remembered that you can tell if your still in a dream by reading words on the tv or even on a can of soup. So I grabbed my phone read my messages to see if they made sense and for added extra measure I turned on the tv and read the news that was on. Thankfully the words made sense so I wasn’t dreaming anymore. But I was still upset and in a panic about the nightmare..
It’s weird because a few days ago I attempted suicide and a few days after I have this dream.. it oddly made me realize that I didn’t want to die and I never do. I don’t want to leave the things that matter to me behind. I felt like I dreamed this because reality wanted to make me realize that even in death I’d be devistated to leave everyone behind. If I did die I would never be able to come back and see anyone ever again.. no matter how hard I’d try to get to them I’d never be able to.
Today I attempted to kill myself by overheating in the car. I drove to school, parked in the lot and didn’t get out. I was sitting in there for over an hour and a half. The only reason why I’m here now was because my best friend saved me. I texted him as I was sitting in the car telling him about how much I was sorry and how I appreciated him a lot for all he has done. I was practically telling him goodbye.. He got worried (I think as any other great friend would do in this situation) and asked me were I was at.. I promised to tell him if he didn’t call the authorities.. which he promised in the end. Long story short, he found me and took me out to get sheetz so I could replenish all the water that I had lost within that hour and a half attempt.. we talked then he took me to my parents house to explain what happened. My mom got angry (because I’m guessing that’s how she expressed her concern and didn’t understand what was going on) but after my friend, me and my mom all talked.. we were all fine..
I almost took my life because of how lonely I’ve felt althrought my 20 years of being alive. I envied those who had so many friends to help them. I wished I had that. But I guess I’m blind to see that even thought I don’t have many people to talk to I have one friend who would do anything for me..
I felt today didn’t start so good. I told my two friends I didn’t want to hang out because I was in a depressed mood (told them I didn’t feel well) and I had to clean. But they ended up showing up at my house anyways. I agreed to go but I told my sisters not to come even though my friends asked them to come (I get jealous and lonely when I, my sisters and my friends hang out together.. all they do is pay attention to them.. but that’s another story). The whole time I felt horrible. Horrible for not letting my sisters come and not being able to talk as much as I do. I felt boring. I feel they would have had more fun with my sisters than they did with me. I wanted to leave so badly. Eventually I did when we got take out and came to my house. I told them before I promised to hang out with my best friend around the same time they dropped me off. They left early and I felt extremely disappointed in myself for not being able to be interesting..
But on the other hand my best friend turned my day around. We went to his house, took a road trip to his aunts house and escaped death twice.. all in one day. I felt a lot better but I still can’t help but feel guilty about not wanting to hang out with my other two friends… I feel like I could be less boring… I’ll never be as good as my sisters…
Okay before I give you any details in what’s happening now, let me start by saying me and this person have had beef together in the past. And.. we both liked each other.. not to sure we both like each other anymore. If you want to know about some of the past issues I have had with him check a few posts from 2016.
So the other night on snapchat I saw him making very concerning posts. Stuff like “I wish I died before the ambulance arrived at my house,” “I already know I’m not wanted, don’t have to remind me,” so on an so forth. Now, being the good friend that I am immediately messaged him over said social media asking him if he would want to talk… his reply “Goodnight Amanda”…. this infuriated me. Not only is this the second time he has done this to me but, he was also unintentionally saying “f**k off I don’t need your help”. Look I understand if you don’t want to talk about it to me. Just be blunt and tell me so (I told him that but not in the same exact sentance). The remainder of the night consisted of me getting 6 hours of terrible sleep because I was extremely worried for his safety.
Now we move onto the next day and he’s still making those concerning posts. I’m mad at him but I still Snapchat him to make sure he’s okay. He messaged me saying that he was leaving at 4. That’s the time I come into work. My response: K. Now I may have fueled the fire a bit there because it made it seem like I didn’t care but truthfully, I didn’t. He then asked me if I was mad at him too. I was and I told him the truth about how it upset me when he blew me off last night when I was trying to help. Then he went onto say “no one can help me” or something along the lines of that. I replied by saying ” you don’t ever try to look for help and I can tell it’s been a loooong ass time since you have” which yes I know I went overboard. In the moment I was pissed but mostly upset because of the way he treats me. But really he does not try at all to get help. He has done it to me and my sisters both. He refuses to listen to what we have to say. His response “fine be mad”. Then he went on to say that when I try and help him my best is never enough.. that hurt a lot because I really do try and I really fucking care about him but there’s only a limit to what I can do. I guess being there for him and trying my best to support him isn’t enough?
I can tell based on personal experience he has been pushed away by people before for trying to find help or been abandoned because he needs said help (I figured this because after we went off on each other I told him I’m leaving because obviously the conversation wasn’t going in the right direction and I didn’t want to upset him or make him feel worse than he already was. He then asked me if that meant I was going to stop talking to him. Which It did not. It meant I was going to take a break before I say something I really regret) . He’s completely blind to see people do wanna help him but he doesn’t put forth the effort to try and allow them to heal him. He has such high expectations for those who do and that’s what makes me angry. He expects people to solve all his problems. I just want the best for him but he won’t ever be happy if he keeps everything pent up inside himself..
I hate to say this but I’m really beginning to feel like this is a toxic friendship…
It has been a very long time since I’ve posted here! I miss coming back here and talking with everyone. I hope this drawing makes up for my absence 🙂
I haven’t posted here in what seems like a long time. My life was starting to improve little by little, but, as of recently it’s gone down hill. I’ve been having so much trouble with keeping myself happy. My physical as well as my mental health is rapidly deteriorating. I’m not eating correctly, I only eat at least one to two meals a day with very little consumption of water. When I do eat it’s junk food. My digestive system is all kinds of fucked up (going to the doctors soon to get it checked) and I really do fear for the worst.
My mental health has recently dropped to an all time low. Mostly, it’s because of my friends. The way they treat me. They don’t want to bother with me..
(Here’s a little story that kind of got me upset and bothered me that lead into me falling back into my depression) Yesterday I was leaving my house to go visit with one of my close guy friends at school. He told me to wait because someone who apparently was stalking me was there. I was in the car, was ready to go when I got the messag from him. I admit I was already irritable from the lack of sleep I’ve been getting for the past few days and that kind fueled my irritability a bit..So I got out of my car and went back inside.
I snapchatted him and he started getting pissy at me asking “what?! You didn’t leave the house??” I argued back saying that he told me to wait because of a “stalker”. We went back and fourth arguing a bit before I finally arrived at school. The first thing I asked him when I came In was the person who was supposively stalking me. He told me he would tell me later.
I kept trying to get him to tell me but he wouldn’t! I thought maybe it was because someone else was with us so I kinda brushed it off.
After the other person left I went on to ask him again who this person was. Then, and here’s were it gets good, he tells me he was just joking and that I took the joke to far. I was baffled that he would lie like that and think I went to far with this “joke”?
So, I argued back something like “why did you do that? You wasted my time and lied to me!” Then he laughed and asked “you on your period? All of my girl friends are on theirs so you must be close!” .. That fucking pissed me off. He thinks I was mad because I was on my period? I sat there in shock (I never thought he would say that to me ever.. He knows about my depression and anxiety).
He went to go get his stuff to go practice driving and I went to go get my stuff to leave. He then said to me after I didn’t say anything to him as I passed him ” oh well it’s okay if your mad at me. You’ll forgive me”. He has never treated me like this.. Ever.. And just seeing his true colors made me feel that I could never find a friend who cares about me.
so after that, I went to the pet store and came to the conclusion that I need a break from everyone. I made that announcement on my snapchat (and I really really don’t mean to sound like an attention whore :/) no one texted me to ask me if I was ok.. It broke me to pieces.. I feel more lonely than I ever have before.. And it didn’t help that people looked at my messages and never responded back..
i feel broken and no one cares at all. I’m sure they are glad I’m gone. :/ I really need to find new friends or just get rid of my friends all together.. I wish I could start a new..
god.. I feel if this continues I feel like I might do something that I’ll regret ( and I don’t mean harming others if anyone thinks that!).
Lately I’ve realized I’ve been crying in my sleep. It happens at least once or twice a month. This is weird because it has never happened to me but suddenly this year it started up (about a few months back). I consciously know I’m doing it, but, I cannot stop myself or wake myself up. This may sound odd but it hurts when I cry in my sleep too. I can’t explain it but from what I can remember It hurts my head..
I really hope these won’t be frequent..
I don’t know if it was me today or my other friend but the conversation wasn’t like any others we had before. It was awkward, I was lost most of the time.. And I felt like he didn’t want me talking to him or wanted me to come visit him. It was horrible. I ended up crying and driving around for a half hour thinking about it, every detail, every feeling, every everything about it. It made me feel like shit. I didn’t want to drive home… If I drove away I would have never came back.. its like every time I talk with him, after I feel like shit for god knows what. It felt like that on Friday as well when I met up with him.. Is it me… Or is it him…
After 4 days of pure hell on earth I quit taking my meds. Before you all freak out here’s what I have to say. I was only on the lowest dose of Effexor for only 4 days ( as I stated above) when I called it quits (which would be today). So it’s not like they bumped me up to the highest dosage possible and I just said “screw it I’m not going to take it.” (I know the risks of suddenly stopping when you take higher dosages of meds). I’m not taking it anymore because of a horrible side effect I got from it, nausea. I could not sleep because of it (at least 2-4 hours each night), I couldn’t eat because of it and it was extremely hard to keep my food down which took so much effort to do (and I almost threw up at my friend’s house so that was pretty fucking embarrassing). The other side effects I had weren’t was bad but this was the worst. I already have issues with my digestive system and honest to god this made it 10x worse. I told my therapist I’m not taking the meds anymore but she hasn’t replied. So far I’ve felt pretty good today since I haven’t taken it! I’ve been able to eat more than I could before. Hopefully within these few days I’ll be back to my normal self!
Recently my therapist proscribed me Effexer for my depression and anxiety but it seems like it made it a bit worse? I’ve been feeling extremely nauseous after taking the pill, my heart rate picks up for no reason (I’m wondering if it’s just me having some sort of anxiety attack or it’s the pill?), I’ve felt weak and I’m trembling randomly. Anyone else have those symptoms while on this medication??? I just started it two days ago so maybe my body’s adjusting?
Every time me and my friend meet up to talk after work someone he knows shows up. He leaves me, whether I’m right beside him, in his car, etc. He doesn’t come back until the ones working decide they need to go fearing they’d get introuble. I can’t talk to his friends. They give me an odd vibe, I’ve tried to talk with them but they don’t seem to like me. I’m an idiot when I talk so now I just shut myself up.
He comes back and apologizes, “are you mad at me because I left you?” Of fucking course I am.. But I didn’t say it.. I just thought it. I feel like I’m just being treated as someone who’s only convenient for him until someone else comes along.. It hurts so bad.. But as I look over what happened.. Do I really deserve to be mad at him? Or am I just over reacting again…?
Also what made me mad yesterday was that he kept acting so cocky saying he had people to back him up if he got fired. He acts like if he gets introuble he can get out of it just because he’s friends with the store manager. Even though this isn’t anything relevant to the title I thought I would add this into my rant. It helps a bit.. But not fully.
He told me he wants to meet up with me today but I don’t want to.. Not after yesterday..
I can’t keep going on like this. I feel so unappreciated. I feel so lonely. I need help but no one doesn’t want to take time out of their day to help me.. All they do is worry about themselves. They care little for those like me who are suffering.. I thought I was getting better when in all actuality I’m just getting worse. I’m so sleep deprived. Working just makes everything worse. As I’m sitting here on my break all I can think about is suicide. I feel that will be the only way to release me from my suffering. I can’t hold on any longer. College is tomorrow and I already know I’m going to make a bad impression on people. My life is so meaningless without someone to support me. I need someone to help me..