Update

It’s been nagging at me lately, how I’ve been living my life. I’m unemployed, about to start a job that my sister essentially got for me (she’s perfect). Still living at home. Dating, for 3.5 years now, a guy who I’m not entirely sure about.

He broke up with me for a month or two at the end of the summer. It was sudden, and I was left without many of the answers i needed to move on. Why? What happened? Why now? I essentially segregated myself from the world. My family tried really hard to get me out of my room but I had found a way to barricade myself in. When my mom finally convinced me to open the door, I was taken straight to the hospital. It was hard, it was a really hard time for me to be alive. But I started dating other people to help me forget about him. I started having crushes again and flirting again and becoming a person I didn’t think I was capable of becoming. And then it was his birthday on thanksgiving, when I was celebrating with my family. I may have had an exorbitant amount of wine. I texted him

happy birthday butthead

And it kind of took off after that. He said he missed me and he was lonely but that he still thought it was best we go our separate ways. It wasn’t enough for me. He didn’t know what he wanted. So I asked him to think about it, to really think about it. Think about how good we are together and how feelings come and go, and come again. And he came back. He came back to me. It was great.

But how do I trust him again? He’s afraid of commitment, afraid of the future, afraid of emotions. His eyes stray to other more conventionally beautiful girls. He doesn’t really know how to love me the way I need to be loved. So we hang out, watch netflix or a hockey game, and it just feels like we are both pretending. We tell each other we love each other, but only when the moment requires, and not just when we feel it. Sometimes when I meet him and catch him off guard, I can see his face fall just the slightest bit when he catches sight of me. As though he was happier in the moment before I arrived.

So why am I hanging on to him? It’s not out of convenience that’s for sure, he lives 30min away from me. Do I love him? I should be able to answer that I guess. I should know that. But how do you know when you love someone? Isn’t love kind of arbitrary? I enjoy his company, and we have many common interests that take us on adventures. But if he is so afraid of the future and of me, I just have a hard time figuring out why he is with me at all.

I feel empty.