Why did I have to sink this low? I opened up a new chapter in my life, graduated and got a job. I told myself that I’m going to try hard. I thought finally I found something I’m good at, some way to fit in society in a productive way. It was far from the truth.
So far I feel like I suck at my job. I suck at everything about it from the core of the job to communicating or even socializing with my coworkers.
I just can’t concentrate and keep my mind clear. I can’t focus when so many distracting thoughts pop in and out of my mind. Unintelligent, emotionally charged impulses that cloud my mind and turn me into a zombie. A shell of my former self…
A part of me has hope, it’s the helpless dreamer
3 comments
Just keep going with it, you’ll get better at it.
Change, even good change can throw off the equilibrium making me crash. for example, I went on a three day business trip, three days of doing what I really enjoy. Two night with a hotel room all to myself, no kids, no husband, just me a king sized bed and all the waffle cones I could ever want.
When I got home i was so off I couldn’t even get off the couch on Saturday and Sunday. I didn’t move. I didn’t go to the gym, or play with my chickens. Nothing. I thought about drinking myself unconscious, but didn’t have the energy to make myself a drink, let alone 10, then thought about taking all my meds only to realize I only had two left and they were n’t particularly lethal anyway. Why the hell did I sink into a hell hole of depression when I should be happier than hell? Damn if I know. That’s mental illness for you though. For me at least, any change, even good changes, fucks me the hell up.
I hate the thought salad, the rumination that goes nowhere. I hate thinking of the part that holds hope as the enemy, something that keeps me here just so I can keep feeling how I feel.
I don’t think there is a clean answer to your topic title. It never HAD to be like this, and there isn’t any specific reason why it is. It just IS, and sometimes it’s worse or better than other times. I want to say that we can give that helpless dreamer all the help we can without coming off as sarcastic as I sometimes am. It’s what we have, and sometimes the dreams are sweet.
Less flowery on my part, hey, if you haven’t been fired you can’t suck THAT much.