At this point I feel like I’m just seeing how many days I can survive until I finally decide to kill myself.
I’ve tried so many things over the years..meds, in-patient, therapy, groups, coping skills. I’m not better and now I’m still in horrible withdrawal from medications, too. I’m still in post-acute withdrawal after 9 months off all meds and I’m still a shitty person. I’m trying so hard to change, but you cannot take back the past. I hate myself and I hate life.
Why does somebody else (your parents) get to decide that you exist, but then it’s your responsibility to function and do well in this world? I’ve tried and all I’ve done is fail, feels like worse than fail really. I would have never chosen to be born and I have no clue how to function and do more than just survive in this world..and I barely know how to survive.
8 comments
I hope things get better for you.
Thanks for reaching out, Phantom.
Hi lost. You appear to be having a very challenging night. Sometimes the act of walking forward add meaning in my life. I put the blinders on and just walk, and keep walking. Then one day I look back and am startled at how far I walked.
Thanks for reaching out. I’ve been trying, really hard. I can’t seem to let go of the past either, all of the horrible things I’ve done. I’ve read endless things on the internet, watched videos, done guided meditations…nothing is helping. I’m trying to move forward, but feel like maybe it’s not possible because I can’t let go of the past. I feel stuck and hopeless.
I have tried meds and therapy and struggle to find my own way of coping so it really does suck when people seem to keep offering the same solutions that haven’t worked for you. I highly doubt that your a shitty person and I think you are being really hard on yourself. I myself have a lot of moments of self hatred but in a way… it can help spur positive change in me to not be what I don’t like. I think everyone has a light and dark side and when your depressed it’s easy to get lost in that darkness and forget you even have a light side. Maybe you should just write to yourself on paper good things about yourself. Even if they seem small or silly… just remind yourself you are more than any mistakes you have made. And obviously it sounds like you have regrets… which means you care. It’s a good thing to care. Even if it hurts.
I am a shitty person. I know we’ve all done our share of bad things, but I feel mine are a bit worse and more numerous. I’ve lied, manipulated, used people, treated people like crap.. Yes, I’ve also done nice and caring things, but in my mind they do not outweigh the severely messed up things I’ve done. I have many regrets and cannot seem to move on from them no matter how hard I try. Maybe I’ll take your suggestion of writing good things, although I feel like I’ll feel like I’m lying to myself. Are you in a place with less self-hatred right now?
Hi lost I no what u mean everyday just seems like survival with no real meaning to life and not really having a purpose for being here
I’m sorry you’re struggling so much, too. I wish none of us had to struggle like this. If only it were easy to turn pain and suffering into something beautiful. I, too, feel like I’m drowning.. I hope for better days for all of us.