I don’t think I should exist. I’m a terrible person. That’s not an emotional response, just a plain statement of fact. And I don’t think I have it in me to do better. I don’t want to do better. I want terrible things.
Except I don’t. It’s hard to explain. I have enough of a conscience to see what an awful person I am, and feel bad about it. It’s tough for the ego, realizing you’re at the bottom of the heap, morally speaking. But not enough to really want to do the right thing. I don’t care about anything or anybody enough for that.
I just want not to have been this. To be a psychopath, free from constraint. Or to be morally normal, free from the sickness that makes up my core.
5 comments
Just because you might accept things that other people find immoral does not make you a bad person. Our morals are developed from our upbringing, and a person who has been through a lot, or who was raised in a way such that morals worked against survival would not have the same ideals as most of society. Even if you don’t sympathize with others for something, or would do something that other people would not, as long as you choose not to act upon it, whether for fear of punishment or otherwise, that’s all that really matters in the end.
Unless you want to be a therapist, that takes a little more sympathy and such, but I’m assuming that’s not your goal (I could be wrong of course!)
@thehusk: Hmmm. I’m just reading this. Crazy day. How are you feeling tonight? I’ll be around if you want to talk some. Or just vent. I understand what you are saying. When I’m really down I don’t want to do the right thing but I don’t have enough energy to be a psychopath either. Being a psychopath might be so much easier, if I had the energy.
@Hazy: Better now thanks. Spent the evening self-indulging my screwed up side (in a relatively harmless way), and am now back in a state of delusional positivity. Still hopeless, but resolved to ignore hopelessness a little longer and pursue my delusions (through completely unrealistic approaches.)
Think that’ll crash back down tomorrow though. It must be 2am here, I have to be up at 6, and I’m way too wired to sleep. There’s just not enough coffee in the world for that level of tiredness.
There is a peaceful satisfaction to indulging in a state of delusional positivity. Many days I am blissfully ignorant of how much of a clusterfuck my life really is. It is only when I am unable to maintain my own ignorance that I find myself gun shopping.
What are you indulging in?
Wouldn’t say my delusional positivity was exactly peaceful – it takes a lot of energy to disregard how utterly screwed I am.
Aside from wallowing in some of my messed up fantasies (don’t ask), I have eaten a whole pack of biscuits, and wasted several hours watching wrestling documentaries (used to love it when I was a kid.)