The more I think about it the more I realize I’m just not a nice person. I can’t remember the last time I made someone happy. I’m just too selfish and lazy to care about too many people and I hate myself for this. Sometimes I just wish I stopped feeling the small amount of happiness I do feel so that I could do nothing but try and make people happy. But I can’t, and that’s why I’m just a waste of living flesh that doesn’t deserve to live. The only reason I’m still alive is because I’m scared to take my own life. Whenever I go hiking in gorges or on near mountains I sit on the edges of cliffs and look down, thinking about what would happen if I jumped, how not many people would miss me, how I’d probably make some people happier. I’m agnostic, so I’m not sure if there is a god, but I think if there is an afterlife (and I really hope there is) that I wouldn’t go to heaven. I don’t deserve to go to heaven, I’d probably go to purgatory, wandering alone forever. The only way I could see me ending my own life is if I found a loaded gun (and I live in Canada, so that’s not going to happen) or if it was to save someone else,but I’m too scared to do it any other way, so I just hope I someone breaks into my house and shoots me in the head while I sleep, or that I get cancer instead of someone else who doesn’t deserve it.
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18 comments
Don’t feel too bad for being selfish. If a person is not fitting in living in this world, if they don’t have the mentality that creates good relationships with people; they can become selfish.
Thinking of yourself is a natural response if a person’s wellbeing is being threatened or has been damaged in some way.
And yeah I wish I could die somehow too, if someone had a terminal disease that I could have instead, I would. Also hope that it is fast acting l
Telling oneself that they’re a terrible person is such a poison, because it tends to be the case that they don’t lave themselves any other viewpoint.
You’ve said that you hate yourself for so many reasons, and I believe that. I don’t mean to sound awful.
I also don’t believe all those reasons are true.
Life is…gosh, I’m a terrible person to be saying this, but it’s what you make of it, and purpose is what you find in it.
And the shame you feel, the self-loathing you feel, from the only two topics I have to go on they aren’t warranted.
There isn’t anything wrong with who you are, or feeling the things you do, but there is everything wrong with going on feeling like you should despise yourself, feeling like you need to hide yourself, and not being yourself.
You deserve to enjoy your art, you deserve to find beauty in nature, and you deserve whatever camaraderie and happiness you can find, even in a place like this.
That is true what you said “life is what you make it” but I screwed up big time making mine and I would be nearly impossible to fix myself, and believe me, I tried. I guess I should be glad that I’m ace because if I don’t leave this world soon, at least I’m not in the gene pool.
If it’s not too much too from me to ask you to share, how did you screw up?
“Life is what you make of it”
It’s funny how you could hear that when your down and hate it and yet say it to others. It makes me think that mental health is all about perspective and it truly is brain chemistry and nothing else.
Idk… Also I’m not calling anyone right not wrong btw
I was a bully when I was in the single digits, as a result my personality is shit, and I developed an eating disorder so I don’t eat anything all day but then I binge later. And I never really paid attention in class so now I’m beyond stupid.
That’s how I screwed up
Cute kitty.
“Growing older is to grow more wicked.”
Just a quote from a book that stuck with me. It’s actually probably a good thing to feel regret over things you did in the past that you don’t like. Still, you can’t judge someone in the single digits of age too harshly. Kids can be cruel, I guess, but the old can be wicked.
Do you still think of yourself as a bully? It doesn’t sound like it, and it doesn’t sound like you are. Penance doesn’t need to be ever-lasting. Be good to others now, be good to YOURSELF now.
It’s not really about what I did, it’s about what It made me into, an antisocial jerk.
If you feel like you are wrong, it will cast a pall over all you do. Antisocial means not caring at all about the feelings of other, but if you feel bad about being a bully, you show you aren’t that.
I never talk to anyone unless they talk to me, and my parents say I always ignore people
There’s nothing wrong with being introverted, or shy. And, you came here and started this conversation.
Only because I’m anonymous, I wouldn’t say any of this anywhere else because nobody gives one and everyone would just think I want attention.
It doesn’t sound like attention is what you’re after. An anonymous place is a good place to be yourself.
I’m really just too ashamed to tell anyone in person.
That’s, well, ok? Relateable? It’s terrible feeling shame but, you don’t need to. And it doesn’t make you a bad person.
I do much more bad than good, so I am a bad person, and that’s why I won’t go to heaven if there is one.
What is the bad you do, though? On a site devoted to suicide, I tend to think saying living is amoral isn’t very outlandish. Just being here isn’t anything wrong.