It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything, so I doubt anyone remembers me, but whatever. I’m just really fed up with my existence, everything about me is just horrible. All I do is upset or annoy people, I somehow manage to peeve everyone I meet and I don’t remember the last time I made someone happy. I really can’t think of a single good thing about myself, I’m annoying, not very good looking, not very nice, completely talentless and I’m the most stupid person I know. I’m so stupid I’m actually failing most of my classes in high school right now, and I only passed the last semester with 52s in every subject. I also just really don’t like this world, there’s so much about it that I don’t like; everyone seems to be obsessed with sex (I’m an asexual so I find the topic uncomfortable to talk about), factory farms, toxins in plastic poisoning us and the earth, global warming, wars, and poverty just to name a few. I used to just hear about these things and not really think to much about them but now that I do I see how imperfect this world is. I just want to escape to the cyberpunk world that I always daydream about, and be the person I want to be. I just want to go somewhere exciting, where things happen and there’s such thing as adventure. I dunno, maybe I’ve just been playing too many video games. Fortunately there is a way out of this awful world, and this awful person who I am. God, this is starting to sound too much like a poem. Anyway, tonight I’m just gonna swallow a bottle Tylenol, hopefully it will be be enough to kill me. Hopefully this will make the people I annoy happier, I’m really bad at making people happy, but a lot of people hate me, so hopefully me being gone will cheer them up.
Well, things have gotten worse. My parents found out that I was going on this site (they went through my search history, apparently privacy is a privilege that I can’t have) and they were furious. They sent me to some doctor who diagnosed me with bipolar disorder and OCD (yey me). Oh, and I still don’t have any friends. At least the weather is warming up, gonna get to use that charcoal and tent soon.
My step dad is drunk, he keeps yelling at my mom and saying how much he hates me. I was in the basement and he started yelling at me and calling me an asshole. My mom tried to get him to stop but then he attacked her and he grabbed by neck and pushed me against the wall. He’s never done this before, he keeps saying he’s getting a divorce and that it’s half my fault. I really don’t want him to hurt my mom or my sister.
I’m trying to slit my wrists right now, it’s just so painful, I don’t know how I’m going to go deep enough to bleed out. I’m really scared though.
I can’t wait any longer, all I can think about is how useless I am, how I’ll never get good at drawing, how I’m a burden on my family and everyone I meet. I just can’t wait any longer, tonight I want to take my life. I’m not doing anything good staying here. I think I’m finally ready.
Looking at my posts, they just all seem so whiny. They’re all just me complaining and being weak and wanting attention. I will not let myself have attention, I don’t deserve attention by whining about things, so I’m just gonna stop posting.
I’ve felt terrible all day, I’m not sure I can wait until summer. I only smiled twice today and I started drinking diet pop because I’m not afraid of getting cancer from aspartame anymore. My parents keep getting angry at me because I’m being “morose”. I’m just so fed up with this world and I want out now.
More bad things happened today, things I’d rather not talk about. But now the only thing I have to live for is my little sister, and as much as I do love her, I just don’t want to exist anymore. So I have come up with a plan, a checklist of what I need to do in my last few hours, whenever I decide when those hours are. I’ll probably do it in the summer, so that I can save up for a bag of charcoal. The first thing I’m gonna do is write my note. I don’t need to explain anything in it, my parents already know how I feel, I just don’t think they care, I’ll just write what I want done with my belongings (sold and put towards my sister’s and sister-like cousin’s future). After that I’m going to play a pacifist run of undertale, my favourite game and the only game to make me cry for over an hour just because it was over. After that I’m going to grab some things and go for a long walk into the forest. I’ll set up a tent, start a small fire in a bowl and read a book while I wait for the carbon monoxide to knock me out forever.
I’m just so tired of life. All the responsibilities, all the sadness. I think I’ll fake insomnia to get sleeping pills to overdose on.
I lost the few friends I had today because I’m such a jerk. I had another snow day today so me and my friends were playing Team Fortress 2 on a x10 server. I was using an overpowered weapon and one of my friends was getting really mad at me, and since I’m such s bad person I continued doing it because I thought it was funny. After a bit everyone left the server and joined another one. I joined the game, not knowing that they left to get away from me and I started being a douche again. Eventually everyone got fed up and told me to leave, and that they don’t want to talk to me anymore. I’ve been feeling sick all day because of this. And no matter what I do I can’t feel any happiness whatsoever. I’ve been taking naps all day because I can’t feel terrible when I’m unconscious. I’m running out of reasons to live.
The more I think about it the more I realize I’m just not a nice person. I can’t remember the last time I made someone happy. I’m just too selfish and lazy to care about too many people and I hate myself for this. Sometimes I just wish I stopped feeling the small amount of happiness I do feel so that I could do nothing but try and make people happy. But I can’t, and that’s why I’m just a waste of living flesh that doesn’t deserve to live. The only reason I’m still alive is because I’m scared to take my own life. Whenever I go hiking in gorges or on near mountains I sit on the edges of cliffs and look down, thinking about what would happen if I jumped, how not many people would miss me, how I’d probably make some people happier. I’m agnostic, so I’m not sure if there is a god, but I think if there is an afterlife (and I really hope there is) that I wouldn’t go to heaven. I don’t deserve to go to heaven, I’d probably go to purgatory, wandering alone forever. The only way I could see me ending my own life is if I found a loaded gun (and I live in Canada, so that’s not going to happen) or if it was to save someone else,but I’m too scared to do it any other way, so I just hope I someone breaks into my house and shoots me in the head while I sleep, or that I get cancer instead of someone else who doesn’t deserve it.
(I apologize in advance for any spelling errors, I suck at using a touchscreen)
Ok, well my story is probably nothing special, I just need to get this out somehow, but as you can probably tell I have suicidal depression. Their really isn’t much bad about my life, I just really hate myself, I literally (actual literally, not figuratively literally) have no redeeming qualities whatsoever. I hate my personality, I hate my gender, I hate that I’m asexual, I’m 16 and I watch My Little Pony, I’m incredibly stupid, I hate how I look so much that I can’t stand looking in a mirror and I have absolutely no talents. I’m completely useless, when I’m not in school all I do is sit at my computer playing video games or fruitlessly trying to get better at drawing. Nobody knows how I feel except my parents, I think, I try my best to act normal all the time, and I’m usually ok at it. The only time I revealed my depression was when my cat died and I just blew up and took it out on my step dad. After I screamed at him I felt horrible and told him I was suicidal and that I needed help. That was 2 years ago, and I think they forgot because help hasn’t come. Most interactions with my parents are negative, its either them telling me to do something or them getting pissed at me, I feel really sorry for them that they have such a awful child and I think they would be happier if I was gone. I’m really not sure who would miss me besides my grandparents, I don’t think my few friends would care that much because we’re just friends, and my little sister (who is the person I care about the most) is only 2 so I don’t think she can care or know if I died. But In conclusion (YAY!) I just feel like a waste of space and that I’d be doing the world a favour by just disappearing.