I keep

pushing through the days somehow ignoring that nasty voice in the back of my head(sometimes at the forefront) that says I should die, that death would be easier, that death is sweet, that I should cry until I die. I’ve gone to the doctor lately who tells me she’s concerned about my weight gain and my liver. I googled diets that could help my liver and maybe i won’t drink as much anymore but im so sad and there is so much liquor in my fridge/freezer.

I’m at work pushing back the tears because they won’t help. I bumped into a friend from college and another person I know this morning and I thought about how weird they’d feel if I committed suicide this week. They’d think back and say “yea, they seemed sad” maybe they’d think “I wish I’d said something to help or that I’d followed up with them.” It’s a sad thought. It makes me want to die but at the same time it makes me want to stay alive so they don’t feel awful.

One of my boos is in cali this week. She would feel awful if I died. She would be a bit broken for a while. I don’t know how my other boo would feel since she is distant. I imagine she’d be sad. I guess maybe I hope so. I can’t die for them and my family and my friends and the LGBTQ community. I have so much work to do. I have to help alleviate poverty and discrimination. I have to help. But I really just want to cry and eat delicious greasy foods, hence liver and weight concerns. But also I’m just a bigger person. God I hope I die soon.

I was thinking about how I asked god to kill me slowly and painfully when I was a younger suicidal person. I didn’t think at the time that I was just asking to live life. It’s the slowest and most painful death cuz you get the chance to recover and stop being numb so that the pain can be renewed.

OKay, rant done. Good luck to you.