Im not actually depressed….

I’m angry. I’m angry and being anxious by being trapped. Angry at my traumatic meaninglessness of a life. I’m not truly suicidal or ugly just anxious. I have emotional trigger points. I have mental blocks I’m so furious at them furious at my helplessness that i channel it inwards and call it depression. I have ideas and i told someone if I’m just mediocre at half of them I’ll be a millionaire. I believe that. I just want to get the fuck out of my own way. Ive lived in pain, helplessness, and hopelessness far to fucking long. Tired of having so many exposed buttons. Tired of being one moment away from suicidal thoughts. Tired of being tired. I have times where i wish i could die. But i know i have a higher chance of making something of my life than dying. If i was in position to afford a sure method i wouldn’t need it. I’ve prayed for the past year or so. I didn’t always believe in god and i don’t currently believe in religion. I don’t believe in a god with the sentience we perceive. Just some thing more like the force if you will. Honestly with what i know about subconscious psychology i know it doesn’t actually matter whether or not I’m right so long as it helps me. I’ll die one day. I deep down i dont want it to be today. I’m just angry that I’m not alive today either.