Not sure what I think now….

I have had mood swings and periods of depression sine I was 16. I am now 52 and until last year had never really thought about ending my life although I have often wished I just didn’t have to wake up.

I thought being married to my ex was bad but the last 5 years have had at least one piece of crap and trauma every year and although I have picked up the bits every time it has just worn me out.

Strangely it is the small things people do and say not the big things. Last year I decide the option of ending my life was okay but too try a bit longer so I did some practical things, like fill out the form on my work pension saying where I would like my death benefit to go and I made out a draft Will and Testament.

I started thinking about suicide again a few weeks ago and the best method for me. I found a area of woodland where I wouldn’t be disturbed having driven and cycled near there but then suddenly last week I started to panic and really wanted to do it and just be gone. So I went for a walk Friday and didn’t intend coming home Only what I had pictured in my head was different to the reality.

Ironically, though I was prepared to leave my wife to deal with the police and my funeral I didn’t want to leave her without a car, so I walked and what was a short walk in my head, was actually a number of miles and what had been a grassy meadow in the summer was a sodden bog and the horse trail a sea of mud.

I got to where I was going and as far as making a noose in a rope but it needed some adjustment and all the time I had been walking I had been thinking. Mostly about my wife and the fact that in a few hours she would notice I hadn’t come home and that at some point annoyance would turn to worry, then extreme concern and that horrible sick feeling we all get when we know something is very wrong.

The woods didn’t seem so nice anymore. They were deathly silent and I was tired and in a different frame of mind. Not better just different and unable to go through with it so I carried on walking till I reached the road and walked back the dry route without my boots sinking in mud.

My wife was overreacting earlier today because the TV guide wouldn’t search and when I asked her why she was so angry and what the problem really was she said “Mostly You.”

So now I just feel cold and alone, and am wondering why I care about other people more than myselfe and that maybe I would actually be doing everyone a favour because somehow although she was angry and frustrated and we all say things we don’t mean, sometimes we say things we do mean but don’t mean to say.

Somehow all the bad things seem to outweigh the good and I can’t picture a life where I actually feel safe, secure and appreciated and am not sure if Friday wasn’t just a rehearsal.

I read a quote recently.

You wake up every morning to fight the same demons that left you so tired the night before, and that, my love, is bravery.

Well I don’t know about the , my love, part but that is how it feels.