Ah yes, another junky clean. I honestly want to stay off of shit this time around; I have no interest in being dependent on chems or people. I make enough money, and function well enough to maintain an addiction for years, but the problem is I know I would end up just dropping dead. Well, drugs normally drive me out of control with depression, and on an almost cyclical clock I make an attempt at suicide. Playing with your brain chemistry like I do results in incredible unpredictable mood swings. That being said, honestly drugs always helped me control my anxiety and anger levels, but now I feel so out of control of them. I have little tolerance for fake people, I have little tolerance for boredom, and most of all the tiniest shit gets to me.
It seems the only thing that has leveled me out, and given me some fraction of hope that I might be mentally stable enough to operate among the yawn-worthy population I am immersed in is Quentapine, (AKA seroquel), but I can feel my body acclimating to it. I have actually experienced my body go from feeling like Quentapine was too much to feeling damn near perfect, to now feeling outrageously and irrationally angry. It’s wearing on me at this point, it’s wearing on my relationships, and it’s wearing on my mental state. I can’t find steady ground on any meds because I have left my brain chemistry in flux for so long. Poly-drug consumption toying with GABA A/B, MU opioid, dopamine, 5HT2-A, and NMDA antagonist (only in small amounts, probably negligible) has left me a damned basket case, and I feel like I will be trading off anti psychotics for quite some time.
I don’t want to be angry, I hate being me when I trap myself in a rage saturated head space, and I am annoyed by every little thing I see. When I find myself in that state I am hardly self aware, and it’s not until I am completely and totally alone that the rage and anxiety settles that I am able to even fully grasp the magnitude of anger and anxiety. I don’t know what to do to mitigate the effect of the insanity switch, hell I can hardly control it. Anyone have experience with Quentapine/ Seroquel? Anyone have tips for handling such consuming emotions? I know I shouldn’t need anger management, this isn’t how I normally am, sure I am cynical and kinda edgy, but I am never “ON EDGE”. I feel like someone else, perhaps I am just hypersensitive to every tiny bit of annoyance, anger, or fear, after being utterly fearless, extremely confident, and flat out ruthless for 9 months. I mean before I went on this hellish binge I had been on one for nearly another 7 months (primarily THC / MU Opioid) with only a 3 month break before my 9 month binge, ending with a severe GABA A/B overdose suicide attempt (mixed with other chems that increase the likelihood of a lethal dose, for example beta blockers, promethazine (mitigates nausea), and a positive allosteric modulator for the GABA receptor sites.)
Please any advice would be appreciated, you know for the current moment. I don’t really want any, “stick with it”‘s, as those are meaningless. I’m aware I need to stick with it, and please leave out any GABA supplements or anything that a person gain dependence on because I know them all. My sleep is fine, so I don’t need assistance with that, it’s just the explosive anger over purely stupid shit (and extremely important stuff as well).
2 comments
HI EtiLamb: I get what I call breakthrough rage when I am taking Depakote, which is what I take when my bipolar gets out of control. The Depakote makes me feel like i am a balloon floating about 3 feet above the ground attached to a little match box car. I cruise along on neutral for 95% of the time with a really flat affect. Which is a blessing when I get to the point I need to go on medicine. However, when i’m not just cruising on neutral, i get this breakthrough rage where I will suddenly feel really violent, like punching someone in the nose violent, and it may be due to something that deserve the violence or it may be something stupid like there are only three packages of oat meal left and there are four days left in the work week. I talked to my Dr. about it and she said that breakthrough emotions are fairly common when taking something that stabilizes emotions and or suppresses emotions as heavily as something like Depakote. I don’t have any experience with the drug you are speaking of, only of the particular side effect you are speaking of. I handled it by swimming. Swimming lap on top of lap on top of lap. I hope this helps. You are an inspiration for me tonight, keep walking forward.
That’s an extremely interesting drug, inhibits a serotonin receptor, and detoxifying neurotransmitters. Looks like it increases strengthens gaba agonists, which begs me to question what you take in combination with it. Do you take benzodiazapines for anxiety?
Really is a strange and interesting drug.