What’s the point?

I’m not saying my life experience was the worst, but at this point I feel there is no point in staying around. Side note:My maternal uncle committed suicide, my paternal grandmother’s sister committed suicide, and my paternal grandfather died from alcoholism related issues. I feel like my family is a family who tries to be perfect, but hides many secrets because it seems like I’m outwardly the only screw up. I have struggled with anxiety my whole life. I’ve always been terrified of everything. Often had insane temper tantrums. I don’t remember exactly how young I was when I first went to therapy, but I was young.. Developed really bad IBS (lost an abnormal amount of weight), head and neck pains, and nervous bladder stuff at the end of elementary school. Became depressed and suicidal around age 12. I was on medication somewhere after then to age 19 when my mom passed away. Withdrew from that and then went back to meds, a huge cocktail this time, from age 22-28 and I’m still in horrible withdrawal from all of those meds.

I’m now 29 and life has only continued to go down hill. I’m a screw up. I’ve hurt a lot of people. I’ve slowly come to accept that I’m narcissistic, which has been painful and terrifying because it’s not like the only thing I’ve ever done is fuck up people’s lives. I was the kid who would often reach out to other kids who were new or outcasts. I walked around the neighborhood once picking up all of the caterpillars and throwing them in the woods because a neighbor’s cousin was walking around stepping on all of them. I save snails from the sidewalk when it rains so that they’re not stepped on. I have donated money many times. I have volunteered a lot. I believe in things like holding doors open for people and waving thank you to people who let you pull in front of them in traffic or letting people pull in front of you. I believe in smiling at people because you never know who’s having a bad day or maybe you can make someone’s good day even better. But in the midst of all of that I am so unstable and can’t get a grasp on life. I am nearly incapable of functioning and have little adult skills. Now I’ve developed a fear that I’m a psychopath and the process feels the exact same way it did when I slowly realized I was a narcissist…and I am terrified. I lose sleep over this. I don’t directly google stuff because of how severely it triggers me, but when I have come across stuff it sounds much like me. Sure there are things that point to me NOT being one, but there’s plenty pointing to me being one. And if I am, at that point…what’s the point? I have done A LOT of messed up things. I have an amazing girlfriend right now, but even in the midst of me trying to change and grow I keep messing things up. I’d do no good for society or anybody else if the only other option for me was to live alone and just isolate so I don’t hurt anymore people.

Most of my life has been painful and a waste. I don’t know how I’m supposed to have faith that life will ever get better if all I’ve ever known is chaos. I’m scared if I try that I will fail and that life for me and other people will be all that much worse. Sure, I haven’t only caused myself and others pain, but at this point in my life I’m realizing the pain outweighs the good.