A new Face on the wall

Hello everyone, just wanted to say hi and tell my story. I am not sure how this will help but if anything, it’s worth a try.

I have been dealing with depression and suicide since my early teens or even further before that. According to my mother I always had no or low self esteem and feelings of hopelessness. I never had many friends and if, the friendship was one sided and often abusive.

To make a very long story short:

Have been bullied from elementary to the end of high school for being too “girly”, small, weak and weird. Was sexually taken advantage of twice in my life, first time with only 5.  Parents were hugely disappointed in me that I was gay/bi and asked what is wrong with me.  Then threatened to kick me out when I came out as transgender AFTER they had agreed to come with me to the doc for a talk. They still disapprove of me and try to guilt trip me into being their boy again by blaming me for having lost a job because of physical features (like length of hair) or clothing choices.

Have been on and off with self harm since I was 19 and had two major suicide attempts that locked me into a mental clinic for a short time. Minor attempts are numerous and I can’t remember anymore how often I have tried it.  I am hearing voices since 16 years old and they often contribute in self harm and attempts of suicide.

All in all… I am counting the days to when I “snap” again and either land back at the clinic or in a grave finally.

there might be a glint of hope left but I don’t know where to find it.