Same here if I do go to sleep I will wake up not long after for some reason. I dont really know what to do. I am just sitting here playing with some hemp rope waiting for courage.
I wasnt always worthless
Before my father died when I was 12 I wasnt worthless I was his pride and joy and life decided to play with me. KILL HIM OFF make them suffer… Thats not enough…
Whats wrong with him? No one knows so what do we do? Send him to boarding schools and military schools so we do not have to deal with him. That will ‘fix’ him… (he doesnt matter anyway)
There is a reason I did not like those places on a daily basis I was hazed, tossed to the ground, and defiled in some brutal ways.
Where is that feeling that I had when I was 12? I felt so loved, cherished, wanted, loved, loved. loved… I feel nothing now I do not know if what I am feeling is real or if this feeling isn’t real at all? I am a shell of a person I was before.
Before the Army I was happy I never had to rely on savage tactics and supression. I never saw blood the way I did there it was horrific… Its everywhere and its now in my head never to leave. The ones I loved blood stained my mind with pictures. Do you know what it feels like to hold a dying/dead body? There is two words I can use ‘fucked up’. The way you feel their heat slowly fading. They are gone you have failed you are worthless what did you expect? How many needed to die because you were not competent enough to save them? If was you job and you failed. Fuck you Patrick you really need to look at yourself and realize how awful of a person you really are.
I do love some still, but I do keep at a distance as to not intertwine my life/problem. I will hurt them anyway somehow I always manage to do that.
I know how to get peace and for some reason I can’t push myself to do it again. It was so horrible the first time I still have not recovered fully. Just have to make sure it works this time… I do not want to come back and live more of this hell. I injure myself so noone can see on a regular basis something has to be wrong with me. I again do not want to live this life
I just wrote that so I thought I would share. It is really tough for me. The people I love do not really know much. They know I suffer, but that is it. They know I have attempted suicide and ended up in coma for months and fucked up even more now. Its so hard to live I have not felt joy in live since I was a child I think something is wrong. :/
I stay hidden at home and cannot even talk to a new person. I have no love interests or anything I do not want anything from this place except to not be here anymore.
Its tough the ones around me do not know how bad it is getting. I hide so well, but there comes a point where that isn’t an option. I have not left my home in 3 days.
Its a record it always comes back around to this state and this is just the beginning i dread the next few months I feel it coming. No matter how loud I scream or how far I run I will never get away. There is only one way to soothe myself
Its always great when I will randomly just cry for no reason my body is trying to tell me something. If it happens and I am around people I will hide my face and move away as fast as possible. I cannot even listen to music with lyrics at the moment because I do not know what it will do to me. If I could I would listen to this —> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l9VFg44H2z8
i understand about the hiding. i haven’t left mine in a very long time. fixing to grab my walking cane and board a bus cross country.
if death won’t be kind enough to come to me, i have to go out and seek it.
Oh, I hope you get what you want out of the trip life/death. There is nothing I can say to change your mind I know I just hope it goes how YOU want it to.
thank you. i hope you find peace in whatever way you can.
i appreciate you withholding the do-gooder platitudes i see ad nauseum. i have no desire to “attempt”, just succeed.
i can’t follow your music link, sorry.
i haven’t been able to listen to music in over 3 years. too painful.
thank you. i know all too well how cruel fate (and car wrecks) can be. not enough to kill, just enough to maim. it’s how i got this cane.
very kind of you to wish me rest in a beautiful place. that was my only wish, to see something beautiful before i die.
I understand that need to die in a beautiful place it is close to my heart. Eh its okay I just risked my life for a country full of ignorant people. I am just trash that was tossed aside. :/
it isn’t okay…but it doesn’t surprise me. this country, this world for that matter are shameful. my hope is that wildlife will one day rise up and overtake the globe again.
i agree about finding a beautiful place to go. ideally i would choose the mountains but without having a car anymore, i’d look a bit suspicious as a “hiker”, limping into the rockies with no supplies and by myself. bloody do-gooders…
32 comments
hi there.. I could use someone to talk to
Hi, why are you up so late? Same reason as me I am guessing?
my hours are all messed up.. sleeping more in the day
Hi
:/ sorry to hear that. I am just writing some things trying to calm myself down enough to sleep. I am racing…
i wish i could sleep all the time but i dont sleep too much..
Same here if I do go to sleep I will wake up not long after for some reason. I dont really know what to do. I am just sitting here playing with some hemp rope waiting for courage.
it don’t talk to anyone in real life either
Its tough to. I cant connect it seems.
i have always felt that way.. i have been hurt so many times
I wasnt always worthless
Before my father died when I was 12 I wasnt worthless I was his pride and joy and life decided to play with me. KILL HIM OFF make them suffer… Thats not enough…
Whats wrong with him? No one knows so what do we do? Send him to boarding schools and military schools so we do not have to deal with him. That will ‘fix’ him… (he doesnt matter anyway)
There is a reason I did not like those places on a daily basis I was hazed, tossed to the ground, and defiled in some brutal ways.
Where is that feeling that I had when I was 12? I felt so loved, cherished, wanted, loved, loved. loved… I feel nothing now I do not know if what I am feeling is real or if this feeling isn’t real at all? I am a shell of a person I was before.
Before the Army I was happy I never had to rely on savage tactics and supression. I never saw blood the way I did there it was horrific… Its everywhere and its now in my head never to leave. The ones I loved blood stained my mind with pictures. Do you know what it feels like to hold a dying/dead body? There is two words I can use ‘fucked up’. The way you feel their heat slowly fading. They are gone you have failed you are worthless what did you expect? How many needed to die because you were not competent enough to save them? If was you job and you failed. Fuck you Patrick you really need to look at yourself and realize how awful of a person you really are.
I do love some still, but I do keep at a distance as to not intertwine my life/problem. I will hurt them anyway somehow I always manage to do that.
I know how to get peace and for some reason I can’t push myself to do it again. It was so horrible the first time I still have not recovered fully. Just have to make sure it works this time… I do not want to come back and live more of this hell. I injure myself so noone can see on a regular basis something has to be wrong with me. I again do not want to live this life
wow my friend.. no i can not imagine what you have been thru
I just wrote that so I thought I would share. It is really tough for me. The people I love do not really know much. They know I suffer, but that is it. They know I have attempted suicide and ended up in coma for months and fucked up even more now. Its so hard to live I have not felt joy in live since I was a child I think something is wrong. :/
I stay hidden at home and cannot even talk to a new person. I have no love interests or anything I do not want anything from this place except to not be here anymore.
this. 1000x this.
no answers, i just feel your pain.
Its tough the ones around me do not know how bad it is getting. I hide so well, but there comes a point where that isn’t an option. I have not left my home in 3 days.
Its a record it always comes back around to this state and this is just the beginning i dread the next few months I feel it coming. No matter how loud I scream or how far I run I will never get away. There is only one way to soothe myself
i understand every word
Its always great when I will randomly just cry for no reason my body is trying to tell me something. If it happens and I am around people I will hide my face and move away as fast as possible. I cannot even listen to music with lyrics at the moment because I do not know what it will do to me. If I could I would listen to this —> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l9VFg44H2z8
i just started listening to musi? again a week or so ago for same reason
Fuck, I think I enjoy music? I do not really know it always makes me cry or become emotional and the end result is always worse.
i understand about the hiding. i haven’t left mine in a very long time. fixing to grab my walking cane and board a bus cross country.
if death won’t be kind enough to come to me, i have to go out and seek it.
Oh, I hope you get what you want out of the trip life/death. There is nothing I can say to change your mind I know I just hope it goes how YOU want it to.
thank you. i hope you find peace in whatever way you can.
i appreciate you withholding the do-gooder platitudes i see ad nauseum. i have no desire to “attempt”, just succeed.
i can’t follow your music link, sorry.
i haven’t been able to listen to music in over 3 years. too painful.
Copy, you are welcome I will say 75 MPH into a wall does not work personal experience… It just leave you fucked up forever… :/
I hope you find rest in a beautiful place and completely enjoy the process. <3 to you my friend.
where are you headed
thank you. i know all too well how cruel fate (and car wrecks) can be. not enough to kill, just enough to maim. it’s how i got this cane.
very kind of you to wish me rest in a beautiful place. that was my only wish, to see something beautiful before i die.
before i forget to say it, thank you for your service and sacrifice.
you all don’t get gratitude nearly enough.
I understand that need to die in a beautiful place it is close to my heart. Eh its okay I just risked my life for a country full of ignorant people. I am just trash that was tossed aside. :/
it isn’t okay…but it doesn’t surprise me. this country, this world for that matter are shameful. my hope is that wildlife will one day rise up and overtake the globe again.
i agree about finding a beautiful place to go. ideally i would choose the mountains but without having a car anymore, i’d look a bit suspicious as a “hiker”, limping into the rockies with no supplies and by myself. bloody do-gooders…
I understand that I am looking at the rockies they are pretty. 🙂
wish it was me. hope you enjoy them.