countdown to June

Well, I’m still here.  I guess that counts for something.

Sitting here watching the snow fall.  I’ve got MC on my mind. I think he has today off from work and is home. I know he won’t call, and I won’t bother him.  I’m supposed to be working myself.

What’s on my mind is his wedding. It’s on schedule for mid-June and last Sunday my girl friend told me about the elaborate wedding dress his fiancé bought.  Considering MC never wanted to get married again after the trauma of his first disastrous marriage, I’m curious as to what his reaction will be when he sees it.  I’m still in disbelief that he proposed to her after 11 years of them living together.  He angrily insisted to me that “it (marriage) doesn’t change a damn thing”; I think we both know it changes EVERYTHING.

I was sent a “save the date” card for the wedding but I don’t know how I’ll get through the ceremony if I go.  It just might be the place I finally overdose, and probably not on purpose.  Booze and anxiety pills… anything to dull the pain of watching him marry her.  Even now, when I start to think about it I start drinking.  I’m having some wine right now and it’s barely noon.

I’m not against the idea of him getting married, but the idea of him marrying HER.  I’ve never met any woman whom I dislike more, and this was long before MC and I got close and I realized how much I love him.  I wish he’d find someone else, but I think he feels he’s run out of options and he owes this to her as she’s stood by him through some rough times.  When I asked him why he was marrying her he replied, “she’s always wanted to get married and if it’s not me it’ll be someone else.”  This was the same conversation in which he said marriage wouldn’t change anything.  Not once did he say it was because he loved her.  That bothers me so, so much.

Well, I guess I need to get back to work.  I was hoping writing my thoughts would make me stop thinking about it and him, but I don’t think it will. Thanks for “listening” anyway.