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Extremely afraid of love

by dividebyzero

I can’t honestly say right now that there’s anyone I love. I’m just too afraid of it. Until I was 20, I was determined not to date or do anything that might lead to loving someone. I knew I struggled with emotion regulation, so I figured all the strong emotions involved would mess me up. That’s still an issue for me.

But a bigger issue is my fear that someone I love might at some point completely depend on me for a long time. That might be my worst fear of all. If that happened, trying to take care of them would certainly exhaust my limited capacity for emotional energy. I wouldn’t be able to get the space I need to function and be relatively sane, which is a lot more space than most people need. So I would have to either willfully abandon them or be forced to do so by panic attacks and things like that. Either way, I would be deeply hurting them and letting them down.

So I figure it’s better to push people away if they get too close – whether they are my parents or a girl I might be interested in – rather than risk loving someone and then possibly being unable to help them when they need it most.


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MyNiceSuicide 3/30/2016 - 9:49 pm

What you say is 100% true man!!!

DoubleZero 3/30/2016 - 10:57 pm

Yeah, I do exactly the same. Been doing this since I was 15, pushing people away. But not because I don’t /want/ to take care of them, but because I know I won’t be there for them forever. I rather live a short life alone that hurt people who loves me. I’m no good to be around, and so even tho sometimes I CRAVE a little affection, I don’t let anyone come near me.

claritee 3/31/2016 - 12:45 am

You have to try it. It’s the best feeling ever. Please do… but I understand your reasons not to.

claritee 3/31/2016 - 12:46 am

Like… honestly… if I wasn’t so optimistic about love, I would want to die right now. It is honestly one of my main reasons for living.

dividebyzero 3/31/2016 - 1:05 am

Claritee, I have tried it a couple times. It was one of the best feelings ever, for the months that it lasted before the relationship broke up. Breakups are bad enough, but what really scares me is the case where the feeling gradually fades but the relationship continues, and families get involved, and it becomes a lot of obligations and nothing particularly good but at the same time not miserable enough to end it completely. I feel like I see a lot of relationships like that. Sort of like the way it is with my family, where both my sister and I still spend time with our parents during holidays but we’re always really glad when it’s over. Or sort of like the relationship I have with life.

claritee 3/31/2016 - 1:26 am

Relationships can be hard. And it’s unfortunate that we get our idea about what love is like from our surroundings. But relationships can also be great… even if they end. I just had a recent breakup. (I’m always talking about it)… it hurts like nothing else, but I have no regrets at all. I enjoyed loving and it was the one time when I was so happy. But me being me ruined it. I have to live with that. That’s ok. At least it happened. In stable relationships you have to constantly work together to make sure it works. You have to have constant reminders of why you love each other. Anyway…. but I totally get why you don’t want love. And that’s your personal decision, I’m not trying to get you to change your mind or anything. I’m just stating my opinion.

dividebyzero 3/31/2016 - 1:36 am

Eh, I wouldn’t say that I don’t want love. Before age 20 that was definitely the case. Now that I’ve experienced it I do want it, however my fear of it is stronger than my desire for it. In a way that’s even more agonizing than not wanting it at all.
“Me being me ruined it” — I’m pretty convinced that will inevitably be the case for me too.

claritee 3/31/2016 - 1:42 am

You can’t predict these things though. You can’t judge a situation before it happens. Just let it run its course and not overthink it. You’re overthinking it.

dividebyzero 3/31/2016 - 1:43 am

Yeah, I know I overthink things a lot. Thank you for the replies.

dividebyzero 3/31/2016 - 1:06 am

And I’m not sure I want to try it again.

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