I can’t honestly say right now that there’s anyone I love. I’m just too afraid of it. Until I was 20, I was determined not to date or do anything that might lead to loving someone. I knew I struggled with emotion regulation, so I figured all the strong emotions involved would mess me up. That’s still an issue for me.
But a bigger issue is my fear that someone I love might at some point completely depend on me for a long time. That might be my worst fear of all. If that happened, trying to take care of them would certainly exhaust my limited capacity for emotional energy. I wouldn’t be able to get the space I need to function and be relatively sane, which is a lot more space than most people need. So I would have to either willfully abandon them or be forced to do so by panic attacks and things like that. Either way, I would be deeply hurting them and letting them down.
So I figure it’s better to push people away if they get too close – whether they are my parents or a girl I might be interested in – rather than risk loving someone and then possibly being unable to help them when they need it most.