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I can never win

by Hampshire_Girl

I never stood a chance. I think of his depression as ‘the other woman’. She had the prior claim and has the stronger hold over him. She makes him ignore me and treat me like shit. I no longer know how to reach him. He said he loved me once, now I’m lucky if he can even bear to look at me. I am rejected and broken. It’s been this way for nearly two years. I thought I was winning, I thought he was mine.

He’s not mine, he never was. She got there first and will never go away. I hate her. But I’ll go back for one last kick in the guts, one last try. I’ll tell him that I will be waiting, but he’ll have to ask to see me. Of course, she’ll tell him that I’m lying and am dumping him. He’ll believe her and I’ll never see him again. I hate her.

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OneShot 3/15/2016 - 3:08 pm

What a great metaphor. Speaking as someone who has been claimed by depression, a long time before I ever loved a human being, I can say everything you said fits, and that’s why I can never have a lasting relationship with anyone. Depression guards me too closely and no one will ever get close.

I will suggest one thing is inaccurate about your metaphor though, as painful as it may be to hear this. If we’re talking about the Lana Del Rey song, the “other woman” isn’t his depression; the other woman is you.

Hampshire_Girl 3/15/2016 - 3:40 pm

Yes, I see that’s the more appropriate way of putting it. Even more horrible though. Being the outsider all the time.

sportsnut 3/15/2016 - 3:11 pm

Hampshire girl.. this breaks my heart..now I know how my ex felt…

sportsnut 3/15/2016 - 3:24 pm

are you having a rough day?

Hampshire_Girl 3/15/2016 - 3:37 pm

Hiya sportsnut, I was hoping you’d be around and respond. I get worried when I don’t see you ‘online’ for a while. Nothing especially going wrong today, but I’m going to see him (hopefully) two weeks on Saturday 2nd April. It’ll be his 40th birthday. He doesn’t respond to my texts, so he may be at home or he may not. It takes me two hours to get to where he lives. He’s never been to where I live. His parents are lovely people. I really do love him, but I’m coming to the conclusion that this isn’t right anymore and is dragging me down.

sportsnut 3/15/2016 - 3:48 pm

I am pretty familiar … I read all of your posts..I feel for you …love is quite hard to turn off… I have found myself chasing the “perfect” love all my life.. I believe no demon in hell can stop a unified couple.. and btw I still have the flowers you gave me.. and thanks for thinking of me

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