Hi everyone, I notice a lot of people who post here are quite a bit younger than 40…
Anyways, Im a guy who developed mental illness in my late teens, depression, anxiety, that sort of thing. I struggled through life somehow to this point, getting married, had 2 kids, along the way I developed alcoholism…it started as an attempt to kill the anxiety but got out of control…my wife left me, I lost my home and everything I owned. A couple years later I sought treatment and quit drinking, but still have the mental problems.
Finally last week, I got fired and blacklisted from my job for making a mistake that was a close call but ultimately did no damage. I have been unable to focus since the divorce and have been sleepwalking around for about 4 years now. Its amazing work never noticed sooner.
I just can’t take it. Im not mentally strong enough to get a new job, no one wants to hire some loser, I’m just going to run out of money and then God knows what.
Ive been so desperately unhappy for so many years now and all my luck seems to have run out now too.
Im planning on ending it. I feel really bad for my kids and parents, and cat. Other than that I really have no friends or anyone that cares about me. (mental illness again…I’m just not interested in making friends, I can’t stand being around most people, I used to like it before I cracked up).
The kids will be sad but fine, their mother remarried a nice man who is very good to them, and of course they live there. I expect him to formally adopt them once Im gone anyways. I expect the cat to go there too. My parents, now getting old, will be devastated Im sure but I live far away from them and am not really a fixture in their lives, although we are reasonably close .
I certainly have mixed feelings about this, I wish I could just live a life that is livable, without being half crazy and on anti-depressants just to somewhat function , but that is not the case. I can’t hold down a relationship or a job. I live a sad pathetic life and when Im not working, I just stay in bed mostly.
It’s like my career choice, blue-collar. I hated it but it paid OK when I wasn’t laid off. Do I regret not going to university and getting something a lot better? No. Regret is not the word. I was unable to do university because of my mental condition. I tried, and, no fucking way I could do it. I don’t see it as a mistake to have not gone. It just wasn’t an option.
I do believe in the afterlife and worry about the consequences of suicide. Everyone says it is a mistake and solves nothing, you won’t get away from your suffering, and you’ll see how sad you made everyone who loved you.
I figure that probably is the case but I also feel a kind of relief when I think of it. Like it’s been a hard day and I need a good rest.
Anyways, thanks for reading this, Id love to read your comments.
signed,
Another pathetic fucking loser that life chewed up and spit out
6 comments
Wow, this was really hard to read tonight. Can I ask why you think you are blacklisted from getting another job?
Hey there. I’m 40 like you and I think about death since I was 11. I took depression medicine, studied a lot, worked and did everything society says us to do. But all that was good for nothing because I’ve felt unhappy, lost, lonely and desperate since always.
What I can say to you is that money isn’t the biggest problem. If your mind is peaceful you can find a way. The problem is that our minds aren’t in peace.
Suicide is a solution if you are sure about it. It’s your right and it’s ok to do it.
Your Kids will be fine and also the cat. You are a gentle person who worried to leave them well.
About your parents, say them how much you love them and they will understand if you die.
You don’t need to remain alive and miserable for other people see that. Be alive for yourself if this is *your* choice. But if you choose death, this is ok because it’s your life. You have my support anyway and without judgements.
Be here isn’t easy and commit suicide isn’t easy either!
If you decide to die, make sure to people that will remain alive, your suicidal choice is personal and has nothing to do with them. So they by the time could understand and accept you chose the best for you.
Suicide is a taboo. Desmistify it!! It’s an honorable brave choice.
Sorry to hear that u found like a nice guy try talking to us here might help for a wile til u plan things out or what ever I’m kind doing it my self
I commented, but it’s pending so I’ll try again.
I understand. I’m 37. My childhood was relatively ok. I did notice that at around age 6 or 7, I started to become more anxious than the average child but it wasn’t until around 11 that it started to become a problem. Then, during my teen years, it was disabling. I found alcohol, but only used on weekends for socialising. Then I was put on xanax. I suddenly was able to have a near normal life. I had a long term partner, two kids and a house. I worked, on and off. Then we split up. I got the kids, but after all those years of being on benzos, I soon became sick. Five years later, my ex took the kids from me. Now I’ve lost my house, my kids, my job and my health. I’m now realising that I was only fooling myself that I could live in the world like everyone else. It all caught up to me in the end. So, I totally get where you are coming from.