Opened this website today after 3 years. Seems like a pretty long time. Reading the post I had posted back then, a lot has changed.
I was depressed back then, I am depressed now. In fact, more than depressed. But the thing that has changed is, I got used to it. It’s mine. I keep it close to my heart. I go out with friends, enjoy, play, drink. learn stuff and all the things that a normal person does, almost all the things. I have got to a point where I don’t have connections with people. Even in company, I am always aloof. I can’t find the peace, the calm. But it’s fine. I accept it. This is the way I am as of now. Who knows if I can change or not. We’ll just have to wait and see.
About the title of the website, the suicide project, I haven’t dropped the idea. It does get stronger as the time passes. So, when I was down and out 3 years ago, there was one good thing I did. I postponed it. I chose a date in the future, where I’ll kill myself. But till then, I am existing. I still have a few years. The way I am, I don’t think the idea or the date either is going to change. I may be giving it a chance, but it’s pretty bleak one. So, you have to bear with me for a few more years I guess 😛
One thing is better though, knowing that i have only few years to live, a lot of fears are gone. I don’t care that much about the world. Trying to know myself before I die. Trying to enjoy the things as much as I can.
Would love to interact with you all out there, because maybe you are the ones who can actually begin to understand where I come from. Let’s share our scars 🙂
4 comments
I found you post really hopeful. I don’t really have much connection with people IRL They go about their business, shopping, eating dinner, playing Frisbee with the family pet. These things, I watch them and it is so beautiful to watch. Even when I’m part of it I am separate. When I was younger it used to madden me, this idea that I am separate, not connected.
This way I am is the only thing that has saved me from a lifetime of insanity and abuse. The ability to remove myself and erase my past as I walk forward. Blur the memories and make them anything I want, it has saved my sanity and allowed me to live a life that, on outward appearances, is quite normal. I walk through life dragging a wide rake behind me, the only evidence I have walked with you the long thin lines in the sand.
This thing you describe, it isn’t all bad. Living for a limited time, even if i keep extending the deadline, is a good thing. It allows me to take chances and reach out to people, even if that is just momentary. Even if their hand is fog that is wavering in my field of vision. Thank you for sharing today. Welcome back.
Thanks for welcoming me 🙂
Sorry to know you had a life full of abuse.
Your line, “The ability to remove myself and erase my past as I walk forward. Blur the memories and make them anything I want,” reminded me of something said by the joker in one of the comics.
“Sometimes I remember it one way, sometimes another… If I’m going to have a past, I prefer it to be multiple choice! Ha ha ha!”
It is so sick XD
Life probably doesn’t has any meaning to it, but maybe we can find something interesting to do while we are alive 😉
Death lasts for eternity, may as well make the most of our short time here…and make the attempt to find occasional happiness and good things and if we fail, well, it’s only a temporary condition until the day we kick the bucket.
I live in massive pain everyday, doing what I can to still find a little love and happiness. And at times the only thing that keeps me going is knowing that the pain won’t last forever. It will eventually end, one way or another.
I heard someone point out that…..life is guaranteed to have pain and suffering. That’s part of living. But happiness is a gift. It is not a guaranteed part of life. So treasure those rare moments when happiness comes our way.
My guess is that those brief moments of happiness are probably what makes life worth living, worth putting up with the pain and suffering. No one gets happiness all the time…so we should probably treasure the brief times when it comes our way. 🙂
Very sweetly said whisper 🙂
That’s pretty much correct. The only reason people commit suicide is because they come to a point where they feel that any happiness they can get, isn’t good enough to balance out the sufferings.