I self-medicate with alcohol quite a bit.
When I’m faced with stress, often the only thing I want is to put a big fucking wall around myself so that no one can bother me. All my life I’ve been told that it’s not OK to want that, so then I usually start feeling guilt and self-loathing and an urge to do something self-destructive. Plus the original anxiety is still there. Alcohol both numbs the anxiety and satisfies the self-destructive urge, and I haven’t figured out a better way to deal with that combination of feelings.
Plus, when I hear my father’s voice in my head telling me to get over it, act happy, and keep being social (so I could fulfill whatever expectations he had of me), it always feels really good to tell that voice to fuck off and do exactly the opposite.