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by dividebyzero

I self-medicate with alcohol quite a bit.

When I’m faced with stress, often the only thing I want is to put a big fucking wall around myself so that no one can bother me. All my life I’ve been told that it’s not OK to want that, so then I usually start feeling guilt and self-loathing and an urge to do something self-destructive. Plus the original anxiety is still there. Alcohol both numbs the anxiety and satisfies the self-destructive urge, and I haven’t figured out a better way to deal with that combination of feelings.

Plus, when I hear my father’s voice in my head telling me to get over it, act happy, and keep being social (so I could fulfill whatever expectations he had of me), it always feels really good to tell that voice to fuck off and do exactly the opposite.


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AnnaBananas 4/29/2016 - 12:51 am

I often choose to cope with alcohol. For me it is definitely the wrong choice. I turn into the worst version of me. Loud, ignorant, slutty, delusional about the way other people see me. I have heard in the past few months so many people tell me that I am annoying, I don’t listen. I am to loud, I can’t hear over the screaming in my head. I am so tired of life that I am here trying to relate to strangers because the people in my life just want me to shut up, quick talking, stop feeling sorry for myself, suck it up. But, I can’t, I am lost in a sea of people that do not want me around. I am only good enough for them when I am putting on a show. When the real me comes shining through I am too quite, too happy, too prudish. I will always be too much. And, because of that my feeling do not count at all.

Ant1983 4/29/2016 - 1:28 am

I binge drink a lot, well it’s becoming daily.. but It works and we all have our vices.

Tbone 4/29/2016 - 1:51 pm

I binge as well and while it may feel good at the moment, the after math is hell. It quadruples my depression the next day. It is a never ending cycle. For me alcohol increases self destructive behaviours.

Ant1983 4/29/2016 - 5:01 pm

But that’s the beauty of it. I’ve just always had a few beers in the evening really until recent but I’m immune to them so the other night thought id go for something a bit more proper with a bit more of a kick and had a 1.5L bottle of Southern Comfort and slept for 19hours, it was great! The closest thing I have to death for now ^_^

TheHandle 4/29/2016 - 2:38 pm

I am a binge drinker as well. I drink almost everyday for months on end, and then I get sick of it and stop for a month or two. I don’t have an addictive personality to substances but, I know where to retreat to when I need a delusion to stop me from thinking about existential issues. The problem is it isn’t working anymore, and no substance is filling that gap for me anymore either. I want to die but I don’t want to kill myself. Why? Partially because of my evolutionary instinct to survive and the other half is guilt for leaving a sibling alone.

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