Follow up for Existential Depression

So, I already had my initial appointment with my new psychiatrist. He said he was familiar with existential depression but was not too familiar with existential psychotherapy. He asked about all the anti-depressants I’ve tried and I told him I’ve tried them all and I don’t respond except experiencing the horrible side effects. He wrote me a prescription for Remeron, which now I recall I was on before and had extreme fatigue and dizzy spells from so I am not taking the medication.

Today I had my first appointment with the therapist who the psychiatrist wanted me to see for CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) even though I told him I didn’t respond to CBT either. In fact, everything I’ve read regarding existential depression states that patients don’t usually respond to meds or CBT. Anyhow, I went in to see the therapist, but this is the first time I had a therapist agree with me that all of our social constructs are delusions and wanting to live or commit suicide isn’t wrong, and that the preconceived notion that life is inherently better than death is a fiction. She was cool, wondered if I’d ever had an IQ test done as she suspected it was high, and that she was puzzled on how to move forward with me. I told her that I’ve been seeking help since 2004 with therapists and psychiatrists and that all the meds and CBT have never worked. I also said that I was specifically looking for existential psychotherapy but, since nobody in the Detroit area is familiar with it I was willing to go through any research studies for new meds or therapies that they had. She needs to relay this to the psychiatrist and see if he’s willing to do it or not, but I made it clear I didn’t want to waste my time with the traditional meds or therapies as I’ve already attempted all that bullshit. We’ll see what the psychiatrist says and how I’ll move forward.

The future looks bleak for me though. The only existential psychotherapist I’m aware of is in San Francisco, he’s actually the father of American Existential Psychotherapy. Low-does ketamine therapies cost too much,  are not covered by insurance, and aren’t offered anywhere close to me anyway. Rapastinel is still going through FDA approval. Even though it’s on the fast track route it probably won’t be available to the public for another year or two, and I’m not sure if I can make it until then.