So I’m not going to go into all the details of what’s wrong but some key facts:
- I’m in HS
- I take Spanish 1
- I’ve suffered with depression and suicidal thoughts for years
So I’m in HS and I take Spanish 1. I’ve hated it since beginning of the year. I didn’t get a choice in my foreign language, my mom chose. So basically a bunch of shit was happening and I have 5 weeks of school left and I know nothing, but it was ok cause I had an A+ and everything was barely barible. Then week before last my Spanish teacher quit/was fired. I have a new Spanish teacher and she is mean as fuck. She acts like we know/ should know everything. I know dip shit. My life was already miserable without her nagging and yelling at us for our 75 minutes of class. I have enough anxiety issues as it is. Plus she is giving me a day to memorize some shit in Spanish about our school day and doesn’t tell us how to pronounce nothing and its 2 pages and it all has to be memorized and spoken in 2 fucking minutes. It makes me so angry, and stressed. Well anyway, I’ve gotten to the point where literally I’d rather kill myself then go to another class. I mean it’s not just Spanish but other things, but it’s pushed me over the edge. I feel like I barely can make it. I’m scared I’ll kill myself or even worse, try and fail. I think it’s terrible but I just can’t do it. Next year I have to take Spanish 2 no choice. My mom said I’d have to have a really good plea case to change classes. I wanted to take Latin this year, plus it would help me for my career. But no, Spanish is going to be the fucking number one language in the world, my mom said. Each time I bring up taking a different foreign language it always ends up turning into a full on yelling fight and me trying not to cry, with tears dripping down my face and trying to seem strong. I can’t even barely finish the last 4 weeks I have left until finals. Plus today she yelled at our class and said she won’t be recommending any of us to Spanish 2 if we don’t learn a whole years worth in 3 weeks. I can’t do it. I dread going to school the days I have Spanish. I literally might commit suicide this summer if I can’t switch to anything but Spanish. My mom won’t just take my word that I have a reason why I want to switch languages. I can’t take this anxiety. I wanted to overdose on drugs last night but I stopped myself. I just don’t know anymore. Just writing this is making me cry. Honestly my mom is just like this will help you in the future, but mom, I won’t have a future if you force me to do this. God I wish I was never born so I wouldn’t have to through this. Sorry this is long. I just needed to tell someone. I just am not built for this much stress Spanish is putting on me. Plus it’s not like I have a good teacher that understands and makes and effort to help us with shit. Anyway that’s pretty much it. One small detail of my enormously awful life.
3 comments
Taking a foreign language in school is hard. People underestimate that shit but it actually is really challenging. I took Spanish 1 last year and am currently in Spanish 2 and it sucks ass. That is pretty messed up that your mother is forcing you to do something you don’t want to do. One of the whole points of being able to choose electives in school in adolescence is to figure out what you like to do and eventually figure out who you are. You can’t do that if you’re being forced to be someone else and do things that you aren’t interested in. I’m not great with advice but just try to work hard and do the best you can. Remember that grades don’t measure intelligence. And there’s a difference between knowledge and intelligence in my opinion. Maybe you could sit down and have a serious talk with your mom about how she has been making you feel?
Thanks. Yeah my life really sucks right now and I’ve tried so many times. I try to have a decent conversation with her but I can bring myself to tell how misserable it makes my life cause I’m scared to tell her that it is making me suicidal but she won’t just take my word that I have a good reason. Thanks a lot though, bloodstainedlips. I just am trying so hard not to give up all hope.
Yeah I understand to some degree. Last year my mother and I were having issues like that and the kinds of things she said to me and just how she treated me in general made me so depressed and eventually suicidal. I was always too scared to talk to her about it because I knew she wouldn’t understand. She eventually saw that I was doing self harm though and that conversation was a lot harder than it would have been to just tell her in the first place. I understand though that it’s not easy, especially when you don’t know how they’ll react – or worse, you do know how they’ll react. It’s hard not to give up. I get that completely. I struggle with it every day and it sucks. I guess a thing that helps me a lot is looking at other people who have been through a lot and who have gotten through it now and are stronger and successful now.